“You’ll Have Another Baby…” The Replacement Child

When we lost Saralynn, we were told by family and friends, “not to worry” because we would, “have another baby.”

Coming from family I didn’t mind this since they knew how disappointed my husband and I were about not being able to raise a living child because that’s all we wanted. Coming from others, I took it in stride.  It’s not like there has been a book written about what to say and not to say after someone faces an unimaginable loss – plus everyone takes things that are said to them differently.

But I did worry.

Would we be able to have another child?

How long would it take to happen again?

How do these people know that we’ll have another baby? I don’t want another baby, I want mine back!

I am happy to have the honor to announce that we are currently expecting our second little girl in November. We are very excited but also very cautious. Unfortunately, we know how fragile this precious life is.

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Now that we are expecting- that we’re “having another baby”- the responses I’m getting from others, although well intended, is a bit off-putting.

DSC02697editedWhat they want to tell is that they are relieved that we are having another baby and that we are being granted another chance to bring a child into our lives. But what we hear is more along the lines of, “Whew! See, everything is all better now! You’ll have a new baby!”

Having another child does not erase or correct the loss of our first child.

Saralynn will always be our first child. This little girl, while the experiences we will have with her will be new and precious, will still be our second child.

Every experience we will have, we will wonder what it would have been like with Saralynn. With every giggle we hear, we’ll wonder what Saralynn’s giggle would have sounded like. With every temper tantrum, we will wonder if Saralynn would act the same.

We are very blessed to be able to grow our family, but there will always be an emptiness in our hearts from the loss of our first born.

4 COMMENTS

  1. Kara, I was so touched by your last article concerning whether or not you “could” celebrate Mother’s Day. Only a few weeks after reading it, I lost my first pregnancy. I was six and a half weeks along, and I was devastated. My world was turned upside down. I, too, experienced the “you can try again” comments, and I was even told — by a social worker! — that I was “ONLY six weeks along.” People never seem to know what to say, and while I don’t blame them, I wish they would think before they speak. Thank you for sharing this article. It gives me hope, and it gives me strength. Congratulations on your second pregnancy, and may you be blessed with a happy, healthy baby girl! I know that Saralynn and my little baby are in heaven now, watching over us all. One day, we will hold them again!

    • Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. It is especially tough when it occurs with your first pregnancy. There’s so much excitement from the beginning. People react differently to losing a pregnancy but a loss at any point is still a loss. Just stay strong and positive!

  2. Kara, my beautiful daughter – just when I think I could not be more blessed to have you as my daughter, you give me yet more reasons for my cup to run over. I am so honored that 28 years ago God choose me to be your mother. Love you much and so look forward to having your ‘mini-me’ to love, cuddle and spoil!

  3. Kara, I work with your mother and I too can share her lose. I lost my first grandson on September 6, 2012 and we are expecting our second grandson in September. I read both of the articles you wrote and you are one incredible woman to share in words your experience and the positive way you look forward to new beginnings. I have never met you but I feel like I know you through your mother, who is also a very strong woman and loves you very much. I wish you and your husband all of the best and look forward to seeing pictures of your second little girl in November. Teri

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