Personal growth Archives -

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety

I have a secret.

It’s not Lifetime Movie of the Week caliber. It’s not even a “break apart your marriage and family” type of skeleton in the closet.

But it is my secret.

It’s more like the thing you reveal at cocktail parties when someone poses the question: “What is a fact no one knows about you?”

I’m an introvert.

I’m not a traditional introvert; I don’t need alone time. In fact, I tend to get antsy if I stay home all day by myself.

I don’t need down time to recharge my batteries either.

What I really don’t like is social functions and socializing; I have a form of social anxiety. You know, “the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.”

Are you surprised? I appear to be a woman who loves to party and socialize. But I don’t. At least not until I’m comfortable in a situation. I think there are more of us out there than people know.

According to one study from Dr. Bella DePaulo mentioned in the book “How to Work a Room a Guide to Successfully Managing the Mingling,” 75% of people have social anxiety when they are at a party with strangers. That means that 3 out of 4 of us don’t like the most common situations in the military-forced fun.

Growing up I was the biggest extrovert you would know. I was a talker and I danced everywhere it was possible; in the dance studio as well as in the halls at school. I didn’t sit still. Strike that. I COULDN’T sit still. I had a desire to be moving and to be the center of everyone’s world.

When I had children all that changed. I didn’t want to be the center of attention or the life of the party. I wanted to stay home and be with my family. I also found that I preferred to listen rather than speak. Those two qualities combined to change my temperament and my desire to socialize.

This turned out to be bad timing. As I began to feel more and more at ease with my cocoon, my kids got older and I was running out of alibis to not go to social functions with my service member. I excused myself from First Fridays. I even canceled my invite to spouse functions.

When my husband was selected to command a squadron, I bowed out from Airman Leadership School graduations and I passed on chief induction ceremonies. I used the kids as an excuse. They always needed me for something – whether it was a school activity, band competition or sport. One parent had to be there, right? That was why I was a stay at home parent who worked part-time. I believed that my children should have one constant in their lives. The military couldn’t offer us that stability so I provided it.

A few years later, my spouse was given a group. A group! What a great day and affirmation of his abilities! But what a sad day for me. We aren’t required to do anything but the pressure is still there. I didn’t succumb to peer pressure instead I decided to take part in this facet of his life.

My first event as a second-time C.O.W. (Commanding Officer’s Wife) was a Patch On event. This is when the students who have gone through training are assigned to their new operations squadrons. My first touch of anxiety came when they said I had a seat in the front of the auditorium and would be introduced. What?? This was not what I expected.

I got through that day with the help of the other squadron commanders who made me feel at home. That experience gave me the confidence to continue. It also helped that now I knew a few people.

A squadron picnic came next. Talk about anxiety inducing. I was hoping that my spouse would be there with me so that I could tag along with him.

He’s my security blanket, after all. But of course, he ran late and so I went solo.

I found one person I knew and talked with them but that can only last so long. I found my way to the buffet line and stayed quiet. Slowly people came up to me and started conversations. It’s still not easy when you have little to say. After I ate, I left defeated and tired.

3 out of 4 of military spouses don’t like military-forced fun.

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Each new activity started the same way: find someone to latch onto and hope more people you know arrive so you can talk to them and not feel foolish.

I hated meeting new people. As soon as the introduction was over, I would forget their names and faces. It was embarrassing when I would say, “Nice to meet you” to someone I’d already been introduced to. My social anxiety didn’t lessen.

Eventually these functions that I forced myself to attend got easier. The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them. I became my outgoing self.

I learned to say, “How are you?” instead of “Nice to meet you.” And then I played off the fact that I meet so many people, it takes a few times before I remember. Everyone understood and I think they appreciated my candor. I can say that after two years “in the job,” I felt more at ease but not completely comfortable.

The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them

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New anxiety begins at every new base but I need to look back on my time at the group level and remind myself that I can do it! Practice is supposed to make perfect but I’m striving for contentment; contentment with my mental well-being and myself.

Just Say No

By T.T. Robinson Leave a Comment

As soon as I said it, I instantly regretted it.

It was almost slow motion, as if I could literally see the words in the air, having escaped unintentionally before falling on the ears of the many receivers. I’d said 4 little words that were met with instant praise and appreciation.

Four words.

Eight letters.

One tiny little expression that’s roped me into serving a yearlong term as our spouse club’s president, landed me a position on countless committees and boards. The same ones that so kindly positioned me at the head of fundraising efforts for a work campaign. The same sentence that resulted in coordinating countless events, meals, auctions, parties and more.

I’m a military spouse. You’re a military spouse.

I know you’ve said the exact same sentence:

I can do it.

Except really? We can’t.

We can’t and shouldn’t do everything.

You and I both know we will try. And likely the only thing that will suffer is our own sanity, well-being and sleep.

We’ll stay up until 4 to get those treat bags ready for the party at school. We’ll skip our 5 a.m. spin class in order to make it to the 24-hour Walmart before our service member has to leave for work.

God forbid we let anyone down but ourselves! We will get it done. And it will be done lovely.

But you and I both know the insane amount of coffee, vows to never volunteer again and spontaneous tears that happen whilst cutting another %*(#$ craft.

Why do we do it? It’s simple, really.

There are those of us who can’t say no.

Who hate that silence between someone pleading for help and someone stepping up. We’re uncomfortable with the vulnerability of someone asking for something and no one jumping at the chance to do it, so never mind our already packed schedules: we step in. And we have to stop it.

This anti-drug campaign slogan of the ’90s has come full circle and is now your mantra during this season of over-extending.

Say no to something.

I know, it feels a little dirty and selfish and awful, but once you try it, you’ll be a turn-downing machine.

Buy yourself the same coffee mug someone once bought me that says “Stop Me Before I Volunteer Again,” pour yourself a giant cup o’ joe and enjoy the extra hour you have to yourself.

It’s like Daylight Savings Time but instead of changing your clock, change your instinct to say yes.

October kicks off the season to give and to love and to be thankful and all of those things. It’s also the time of year that you already have 1,000 extra things on your plate.

Next time someone asks you to help with something or take on an additional responsibility ask yourself this:

“Do I have the bandwidth to do this?”

And,

“What can I take off my plate in order to make this happen?”

Much to my mother’s chagrin, I learned to juggle in high school, using fruit from a bowl in the kitchen. And I can juggle 3 clementines really well. But the second you add a fourth, I’m struggling. I usually drop one. And if you add a fifth? Not only do I drop the extra clementine, I drop all of them. And no one likes 5 squishy clementines. No one.

If you’re going to say yes, you have to say no to something else.

It’s hard – that’s why we’re making it our theme for October. But you can do it.

And like we learned in Drug Abuse Resistance Education in the ’90s: Just say no, kids.

Just say no.

Did you say no recently? Tell us how you did it. Because let’s face it – we here at NextGen MilSpouse are a bunch yes people.

How I Found My Purpose

By Karen Poisson Leave a Comment

The biggest question in the universe is:

Why am I here and what is my purpose?

Most people spend a lifetime trying to figure it out and some never do.

Movies try to give us examples to follow: The aliens in “Arrival” were here to teach humans to use communication and language to unite us. Dobby had the initial purpose of being a house elf and later his goal was to help Harry Potter.

But that’s not real life.

In real life sometimes you waffle, sometimes you coast and sometimes you slam into a wall.

I hear my husband constantly saying that he’s not sure what he wants to be when he grows up. He was lucky enough to find the meaning of his life when he was younger but now that he’s looking at his next phase, he’s not sure what that path should be.

My kids worried about their lives when they were applying to colleges. They thought they had to have everything figured out BEFORE they left for school. They wanted their life in a neat, little bow but for most of us, that’s not the case.

But again, the movies show us a reality where everything comes together in the end so the expectation is there.

But what about the rest of us?

I was fortunate like my husband in that I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. In middle school, I had a wonderful teacher who inspired me. By the time I was in high school, I knew that teaching was my calling and English was my focus. I was always writing creatively but my desire was to teach literature.

Books were what I loved and books were my focus. I knew my passion.

My college applications were to schools where I could attend their education department. I flourished at my university where the majority of my classes were in English and many others were in teaching how to teach. I relished those classes where I was able to write creatively and not just spit out academic papers.

Eventually I created a vision board where I would get my degree and move to South America to teach English. Then I would take my hard-earned cash and relocate to Australia. All the while, I would do what I loved.

And then I met a boy.

I got my degree and tried to get a job in our new location. Coaching cheerleading got my foot in the door and then I was almost immediately offered employment as an ESL teacher. I took it hoping that it would turn into a high school teaching job. It did but then we moved again.

So I went back to school and to earn my master’s degree so I could teach English as a Second Language. I had thoroughly enjoyed the progress and happiness of my ESL students so I combined my desire for English into a new career; I found a new love from an old one.

For 20 years I was doing what I reveled in. I taught speaking and listening to non-English speakers from all over the world. They felt my enthusiasm for my language and they absorbed it all. I was fortunate enough to work in university settings and I taught part-time so I could still be with my other loves – my kids. I was the happiest person on the earth.

Then one day, it wasn’t so fun anymore.

The desire to be in the classroom wasn’t there. And even though I had a position waiting for me at my new duty station, I couldn’t accept it. It became a job and not my career. And in education, that’s not fair to the students. There needs to be a passion or you aren’t helping them learn.

I knew I had to stop. I needed a break to find myself again.

My idea was that I would give back to my military community by volunteering but nothing ignited that spark. I had fun meeting new people but at times I felt like I was just going through the motions.

Then one day, I felt the urge to write again. So I did.

One story turned into two and two into three. Normally, I would keep my writing under wraps but this time I put myself out there. A friend who had done the same inspired me. I submitted my articles to a few publications. At first, I was discouraged because I heard crickets but then a response – someone wanted to publish me!

That affirmation was enough to help me focus my attention and to know that I had once again discovered my purpose. As I continued writing, I found that the words flowed easily and that it brought me joy. The desire showed in my work and it must have come through in the articles I wrote because from my hobby came a job offer!

This time my purpose wasn’t blatantly obvious. I tripped into it because I felt a tug and I let it lead me somewhere. But by doing so, I once again found what I was supposed to do with my life.

And that should be the lesson – your calling is out there; you just have to answer it. There may be busy signals or you may get disconnected but eventually the phone rings and you say “hello.”

Can you relate to Karen’s journey to find her purpose? Join the NextGen MilSpouse mailing list to stay in the loop about new articles, special events, giveaways and more! Click here to join today!

When An Immigrant Military Spouse Asks ‘What Does It Mean To Be American?’

By Guest Contributor Leave a Comment

by Anna Blanch Rabe, Guest Contributor

The rolling plains of North Dakota glisten in the morning light. The fields of golden wheat intersperse with silos, fields of green and bodies of water – a combination of wetland, natural billabongs and dams.

The train rolls through small towns, ones with high school mascots painted on the sides of columns, tree-lined roads, industrial buildings and abandoned equipment.

The eastern shores of Rhode Island melt into the ruggedness of upstate New York. The heat of an August morning in New Orleans hits you in the face with a wave of humidity as strong as the smells of Cajun cooking.

The more west you go the more the jeans and button-up shirts of the Midwest give way to loose jersey fabric and harem pants, or hiking appropriate clothes of Oregon.

At the end of August, I completed a journey around the United States: 11 cities, 29 states, over 150 hours on trains, 2 planes, 1 Greyhound bus and 11 hours in a car in 28 days.

I set about to see more of the U.S., to work on my book manuscript, and to ask the question,

“what does it mean to be American?”

and underlying all of that is a much deeper question: what could it mean for me to become an American? During the journey, I became eligible to apply for U.S. citizenship so this question was more than just rhetorical.

An Adventure Around America: When An Immigrant Military Spouse Asks “What Does It Mean To Be American?”

I traveled from the southern reaches of western Texas, from our current home on an Air Force base in New Mexico, to New Orleans, Atlanta, Washington D.C. and up the coast of Rhode Island to Boston, then to Chicago and across to Portland, Oregon.

From there I flew to Louisville, Kentucky, to participate in the V-WISE phase II training conference.

Following the conference I continued on my journey, taking a Greyhound bus to Chicago, and then the California Zephyr Amtrak train to Grand Junction in Colorado. From there I met up with my husband and some friends for an ultramarathon race (I am strictly support crew) in the Rocky Mountains at Leadville, Colorado.

Finally, we drove to Albuquerque to send my husband off on a TDY before I drove the 4 hours home.

This journey was originally my deployment plan B – a goal I had in my back pocket if another deployment came along.

I would encourage every military spouse to have these kinds of goals and plans percolating. For me it’s a way to look at those forced separations as opportunities to double down on life goals, and personal and professional development.

But, of course, just when you’re ready for another lengthy deployment and you think you’re one or two moves ahead on the chessboard of military family life, an assignment comes along without a deployment in sight!

So, I decided, with the full support of my spouse who knows who he married, to get planning and just do this.

I found out about a rarely employed Amtrak Rail Pass that meant I could pay for the bulk of my travel months in advance. I made use of hotel points and military discounts, and the kindness of friends to alleviate some of the accommodation expenses. I drew upon my experiences traveling solo around Europe and Asia as a poor student to visit great places to eat during happy hour and carrying snacks with me from periodic trips to local grocery stores.

I have now seen more of the United States than I had before. But, the reality is that I have barely scratched the surface of American culture and geography.

During my journey, I continued my role in the company I own, and I spoke with Rotary Clubs about my journey, met with military spouse business owners, and spent time with friends from other parts of our military life, and friends from graduate school asking them about what it means to be American.

I knew from the outset that the biggest wildcard would be the strangers I would encounter.

One of my fellow travelers, a school bus driver living in upstate New York who gave away her origins (a little like I often do) with her strong Glaswegian accent, told me that she was facing a similar decision – whether to apply for U.S. citizenship. She had decided to do it, because she felt that having an American born child (and American born partner) meant that she had a great deal to lose if for some reason the political situation changed and meant that she had to leave the U.S. because she was “only a permanent resident.”

She also told me something that had helped her come to grips with the idea that becoming an American citizen would not take away from who she was as someone who had grown up in Scotland:

“You can’t think of it as taking away or giving up, it has to be about embracing something additional that shapes who you are.”

I needed these words.

It can be complicated to be an immigrant in the United States, and even more so as the spouse of an active duty service member.

I don’t just mean the extra paperwork and complications for OPSEC. I mean coming from a different perspective can be a challenge with a community that almost by necessity relies on “American Exceptionalism” as a morale tool.

It makes sense that America has to be considered to be the best place in the world, and that its ways, customs and culture are to be considered the epitome of world culture, when your life is on the line and you are fighting to preserve that way of life.

I don’t begrudge this – it’s just a challenge when you have experienced many other ways of doing things, other forms of government, and other expressions of culture and community.

I also spent long stretches alone during these 4 weeks, observing and writing. I sought to be present in the experience: both the good of marveling at the landscapes as I traveled across Montana, Washington, Louisiana, Colorado, Georgia, Alabama, and along the northeastern coastline, and the challenges of travelling solo as a woman.

There are many unwritten rules about travelling in the US. I reflected on the confusion I felt when navigating the bus station, given that I can speak English and am a seasoned traveler.

So what did I get out of this journey around the United States?

I finished with quite a few thousand words written toward my book, a little more wisened about the understanding of what is distinct about being American, concerned by the tumultuous events taking place across the United States (before, during, and after my journey).

I am also even more convinced of the importance of hearing the stories of others, and becoming more familiar with the many different expressions of being American, and American culture and community.

How would you answer Anna’s question, “what does it mean to be American?” Share your responses in the comments section.

Anna Blanch Rabe is an Australian-born writer and advocate, who is also married to an Air Force officer. Her writing has been published by Huffington Post, MOAA, Military One Click, MSJDN Blog, Transpositions, and Military Kids Life, among others. She works as the CEO of Anna Blanch Rabe & Associates LLC, serving law firms, social enterprises, and nonprofit organizations with strategic, digital, and narrative content. You can read more of her writing on her website, and connect with her on Facebook, and Instagram.

When My Hot Mess Self Traveled The World During My Service Member’s Deployment

By Guest Contributor Leave a Comment

by Mackenzie Jervis, Guest Contributor

Deployment, for a military spouse, usually means seemingly endless days at home, waiting for a phone call or a message. When my husband told me he’d be deploying I made a promise to myself that would not be me. I would not be that person holding onto my phone, counting the seconds until I got a few minutes of light in the dark stretch of my day.

I know myself well enough that I didn’t have high hopes for keeping that promise. I’m not the most graceful when it comes to handling emotions. I would be a hot mess for the coming months if I didn’t do something.

With this impressive amount of self-awareness I created a multi-month itinerary that would force me as far away from my comfy self-pity couch as possible.

I packed my North Face duffel and headed to Amsterdam. I walked the canals and visited too many coffee shops (where I didn’t drink coffee).

In Athens I met up with friends. We took boat trips out to the islands, visited ancient ruins, took pictures of stray cats, and drank too much wine. In Crete I woke up before the sun to swim in the cool ocean.

In Santorini I stayed in a dirty hostel with people I couldn’t communicate with. I walked around the island, sweating through my clothes by 10 a.m. I couldn’t help but picture my husband in even hotter weather, only in a uniform and on a completely different type of “vacation.” In Cyprus I escaped the sun by scuba diving on shipwrecks and spending as much time in the water as possible.

In Riga, Latvia, where my tanned face stood out in the crowd, the taxi drivers warned me what parts of the city to stay away from. In Vilnius, Lithuania, I wandered around hipster-like neighborhoods and stayed at a hostel where shirtless Turkish guys didn’t know the meaning of personal space.

In Moscow I met up with a group of travelers and explored onion-topped buildings and tombs of communist leaders. We visited tiny villages where old women took us into their homes to cook traditional dishes for us. We traveled overnight to St. Petersburg on creaky trains with stern-looking workers. We visited celebrations of the Russian Navy with fireworks, music and food. Men in uniform passed us in the crowd and I had to force myself not to think of my husband.

In London I stayed with a friend who took me to Sunday roast at the pub. I wandered around one of my favorite cities seeing sites that have always evaded me on my past trips like the Globe Theatre, Greenwich and Shoreditch. In Paris I ate wonderful pastries and stared at the Eiffel Tower.

In Puerto Rico, meeting some family, we went on a cruise, hopping around the Caribbean. I stayed in Puerto Rico after the cruise, lying out on the beach during the day and hiding away in my apartment at night to write.

There, in an empty apartment, with only frogs outside making any noise, I felt myself slipping for the first time since I set off on my journey. I counted the days until he’d come home, never knowing for sure. I forced myself not to think about it. The more I thought about his being away, the more it hurt, and more pathetic I felt.

In Nairobi I felt more isolated and alone than it should be possible in a city that size. I felt trapped in my hotel, the front desk women begging me not to walk outside by myself, insisting I find someone to go with me. But my partner, my friend, the only person who I wanted to be with me was so far away. But, ironically, not that far away.

We were on the same continent, separated by hundreds of miles of unpaved roads and completely different reasons for being there.

In Moshi, Tanzania, I glimpsed Kilimanjaro on my way to meet my climbing group. The next morning, we started our climb. For 5 days we’d hike for 10 hours, taking breaks to enjoy the view, having our lunch, or resting our aching feet. We’d eat dinner together in a tent, playing cards and telling stories.

Each night, tucked in my sleeping bag, away from the men in my group I would cry. I would read the daily emails I saved into my phone from my husband.

I’d cry because I was lonely.

I’d cry because he was thoughtful enough to know I’d need these messages to get me through.

I’d cry because the months felt so long and I’d been trying so hard to run from this exact feeling.

I was the woman I thought so pathetic, only instead of on my couch with endless hours of Netflix, I was in a tent on a mountain in Africa.

Summit night we woke before midnight and set off into the blackness. We weaved our way up the mountain and with each step, each increase in elevation, I grew more nauseous. In the glow of my head torch I followed the person’s heels in front of me. I was so tired, so weak, that the only thing on my mind was to force one foot in front of the other.

The sun grew brighter as we reached a plateau. The men in my group and I, after glimpsing the summit, nearly ran to it, energized by being so close. Our breathing was labored as we made our way around the crater. Our heads ached while we passed by glaciers. I thought I might be sick again while having my photo taken. But I had made it.

With my mind somewhat clearer, I looked across the horizon and wondered how far I could see. I wondered if I could see into another country or see all the way to his base.

This was my last stop, my last adventure and accomplishment before he came home. I was ready. I was tired.

I had spent the last few months moving from place to place, trying to fight the feeling of missing him. But I still missed him. I still wished every second that we were together and in some cases, my traveling alone only increased my wish to be together. I just tried, with my entire being, to not feel any of it.

It took me hauling my puking butt up to the top of Kilimanjaro to realize that it’s not the missing that’s the problem, it’s letting that feeling take over your life. Despite seeing amazing places and accomplishing bucket list tasks I had still managed to let that feeling overwhelm me, and drive me to fear sitting still.

Travel doesn’t solve problems. It won’t make you miss someone any less. I was still that person clinging to my phone, waiting for a message but I was doing it wherever I wanted to, instead of on the couch where I knew I would be miserable. But at that point in my life, that’s what I needed to do.

Hopefully when it’s your turn to deal with a deployment, you can do it the way that you need to. Whether that’s sitting on the couch with a box of wine within reach, visiting family, or running around the world trying to do as many things as possible.

Did you do something interesting or unusual to get through a deployment? We want to hear about it. Submit your guest post today.

Mackenzie Jervis is a writer and editor living in Texas with her husband, 2 cats, puppy and newborn. She has traveled to over 60 countries and writes about her life both at home and around the world at A Wandering Scribbler.

How You Can Live a Kinder, Sweeter, More Satisfying Year

By Katie Phillips Leave a Comment

Since I read that only 8% of people who make New Year’s resolutions actually keep them, I no longer make resolutions.

I do, however, take time at the start of each new year to see how I can improve not just my life, but the lives of everyone who interacts with me, from my husband to the lady who bags my groceries.

In a life that can seem so challenging, I consider it an unexpected gift to be able to reinvent myself every couple of years.

In 2017 I want to radiate so much kindness that cartoon birds land on my shoulders.

I want my time with with family and friends to be so sweet that I get a cavity.

I want 2017 to be more satisfying than a warm brownie sundae with homemade whipped cream and candied walnuts.

I want these things, not just for myself, but for everyone in my NextGen tribe. Milsos, if you haven’t heard:

2017 is the Year of You!

With the help of some very smart military spouses, here are my 5 tips for living your kindest, sweetest, most satisfying year yet.

Define Your Year

This is like one of those “What’s the thing that comes to mind?” word association games. When you think about 2017, what word, phrase or image comes to mind?

For me, it’s a relaxing image of a tropical beach. Not just because the beach is my ideal vacation spot, but because that image is how I want life to be in 2017: peaceful.

When things go sideways, I take a beat, and summon that image. How would I react if I were on that beach, listening to the waves lap up to the shore?

I probably wouldn’t yell at the movers for breaking my brand-new wedding china, that’s for sure.

That serene beach image is how I am defining my year.

How will you define yours?

Is it a phrase or a word?

Define your year, and then really commit to living that in your daily life.

Write Your Experiences and Memories List

If you just rolled your eyes and thought, “Yeah right, like I have time for one more list,” I sympathize. But hear me out. This is not a laundry list of all the errands, chores and appointments you have for the upcoming year.

Take a moment and write down all of the places you want to visit, experiences you want to have and memories you want to make in the coming year. Place this list somewhere you can see it every day and try to do as many of them as you can with people you love.

When you accomplish one of the things on your list, you’ll feel motivated, inspired and refreshed.

Your list doesn’t have to be extravagant. One of the experiences on my list was talking more to my college bestie. We don’t have to make a cross-country trip to see one another, that’s virtually impossible, because you know – life. But we can make it a goal to Facetime monthly. I come away from those conversations feeling happier every time, and I have the memories to look back on when I need a little boost.

Radiate Love Daily

This has been a divisive, tumultuous year for our country. That’s why, in 2017, it’s more important than ever to show love whenever you can. It’s easier to do than you think. I have a friend who has been such an example of this to me this past year, that I am trying to be more like her in everyday life.

For example, when she goes through a checkout line, she asks how the cashier’s day is going and sincerely thanks them for their work. She compliments strangers on the street. She’s always ready with a kind word.

We need more of that in 2017. We don’t have to agree with everyone all of the time but we can agree to just be nicer and radiate love to those around us.

You Own Your Challenge

The Year of You is all about setting and achieving personal milestones. It could be finding a career that works for you or getting back in shape. Often, our challenges are given to us without our permission, like making it through a long deployment.

Whatever your challenge in 2017, milsos, I want you to own it. Taking ownership puts you in control and that’s totally empowering. Set small milestones for motivation and reward yourself when you achieve those goals.

There’s nothing sweeter or more satisfying than the feeling of success and you’ll find that you’ve developed skills you never knew you had.

Stop Saying ‘I’m Sorry’

Far too often, I find myself saying I’m sorry for things that are completely beyond my control. I’m sorry the mail didn’t come on time. I’m sorry the restaurant I picked is out of your favorite item.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

Well not anymore.

This year, don’t say you’re sorry (unless you said something really uncalled for, in which case apologize immediately). Instead, turn whatever situation you’re in into a positive one with just a few words. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry the coffee’s not ready yet,” to your boss, trying saying something like, “The coffee is still brewing, but I’ll bring you a fresh cup in just a moment.”

When you stop saying “I’m sorry” you’ll realize how many ridiculous things for which you were taking responsibility for with those 2 silly little words. You’ll also start to notice a positive effect when you remove them from your vocabulary altogether, saving them only for situations in which they are truly warranted.

There are a lot of ways to live a more satisfying life, but none of them are a magic bullet. You, dear milso, are the only one who can decide to have a kinder, sweeter, more satisfying year.

But you don’t have to do it alone. This may be the Year of You, but NextGen will be right with you all year long.

What are you doing to make this year more sweeter and satisfying for you?

10 Things You Have to Say Yes to This Year

By T.T. Robinson Leave a Comment

New Year, new you, right? If you’re anything like me, every year I promise myself that this is the year.

The year of investing in myself.

The year of being intentional in my relationships and with my time.

The year of doing more and doing less and losing this and gaining that.

With my daughter’s birthday on the 6th of January, it usually only takes about that first week of the new year staying up too late, looking at Pinterest, exhausting myself with All The Things I Should Be Doing to slip right back into my old habits.

But not this year.

Birthday has come and gone, I deleted Pinterest from my phone, I’ve channeled my inner honey badger, and am lighting a metaphorical smoke and kicking back.

This is the year of me. And this year? I really f@$*ing mean it.

Last year at this time, I paced back and forth waiting to hear if my husband had safely traversed some pirate-ridden waters somewhere, not yet halfway through the deployment that wouldn’t end.

And, like so many of you, I did all the things for all the people. I made care packages for my husband, sent regular updates to family members, hosted a party for the FRG, made dinners for people who needed it more than I did, volunteered at schools and kept my 2 children not only alive, but thriving.

And when my sweet husband came home last May, I was absolutely exhausted.

Lesson learned: especially when you’re flying solo, you have to take care of you. There’s no one else to do it.

In 2017 I’m taking a page from Shonda Rhimes’ book and saying yes. Not to everything as she so bravely and brilliantly did, but to these 10 things. I encourage you to do the same.

1. Health. For some reason this is always the first to go. It’s easier to order Chinese takeout or pizza or skip 16 meals in a row and just drink wine than it is to roast a chicken and steam some veggies.

I get it.

It’s way more logical to do laundry then hit the gym.

When you feel like you have no time at all, it’s easy to cut corners on your health.

But if you only say yes to one thing this year, your health has to be it.

Because if you don’t, this is the only number on this list that can kill you (except maybe #2). We only get one chance at life, let’s make it last as long as we can. Plus endorphins and confidence and all those things that come with doing burpees and not binge-eating ice cream.

2. Adventure. Get out of that rut. I agree there is nothing more therapeutic than a trip to Target, but branch out!

And not to a different store, I mean go on an adventure.

Find a hike near you.

Visit a trampoline park.

Plan a spouse outing to a ropes course.

The possibilities are endless, my friends. Mark your calendar for one adventure a month.

3. Spontaneity. For the ones who have every day scheduled in increments and blocks, every weekend from now until March scripted – even your “relax” time penned in – give yourself a break.

Do something spontaneous. Phone a friend for an impromptu spa day. Take a detour en route to the commissary to try that new coffee shop. Get that tattoo or piercing you’ve always wanted or sign up for that class that you’ve been thinking about but haven’t taken. Act now, think later.

4. Structure. For the free-wheelers who have no schedule, who live their lives in reaction mode – the ones who are constantly apologizing for forgetting, being late, dropping something – this is your year to get it together.

Buy a planner (and use it). Carry it with you at all times. Set yourself up for success and have a back-up: set alarms on your phone for the day ahead, 2 hours ahead and 30 minutes ahead in your phone.

5. A date. Say yes to your spouse. Skip the guilt of not putting the kids to bed and go on a date with your honey. Put the relations back in your relationship.

6. Playtime. We’ve all been there. You’re in the middle of cooking dinner and doing dishes and folding laundry and making an appointment and your mind is going a million miles a minute when a little voice asks if you can build Legos. Or draw. Or play Go Fish. Or do anything.

It’s so hard, mama. I have been there, dad. You are trying to be all things to all people.

But this year, I am saying yes to playing. Turn that burner down to 1, put the clothes down, and give playtime your all for 10 minutes.

We can fail at 10,000 things throughout the day and these little people love us so unconditionally that 10 minutes is all they need. Say yes.

7. Outsourcing. Give up what you can. Whether it’s cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, buying things online instead of making an extra trip to the store, outsource everywhere you can so you can spend even more time on you.

8. Friends. They get you, which means they’re also the easiest to blow off. Can’t do it, maybe next week, let’s get together soon…you know the lines.

Setting a standing coffee date will do wonders for the soul.

9. Risk. It’s always daunting trying something new, but if we always chose what we knew, life would be predictable, sure, but it would also be boring.

Bet on you this year. Take a chance on your education, your business, yourself. You’re always worth the risk.

10. Passion. Find it. Whether it’s in selling leggings or pursuing a doctorate or volunteering or anything in between, find what motivates you and go after it with reckless abandon.

This is our year. Let’s get after it.

What are you saying yes to this year?

Still Searching for Your One Word for 2017? Stop Looking and Steal Ours

By Michelle Volkmann Leave a Comment

“What’s your one word for 2017?”

This was a text message from my sister that popped up on my iPhone while I was making spaghetti, yelling at the kids to shut off that TV and kicking myself for not buying paper plates at the commissary that morning. All the plates in our house were dirty. Again.

“Huh?” I typed back.

“You know your one word for the year. You do it every year. And it’s already Jan. 2.”

How about “done” since that’s how I’m feeling about my service member’s current deployment?

How about “listen” since my children’s ears stopped working during the winter break?

How about “forget” since I keep forgetting to make New Year’s resolutions to help me achieve my goals?

But seriously, what one word should I chose to focus on for the next 12 months?

I learned about the My One Word un-resolution at a Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) meeting 4 years ago. A mother and military spouse was speaking about the importance of picking a word that represented what you wanted to create, be or do in the new year. It’s a way to envision what you want and then find ways to work toward it. That one word is your identity for the next year.

Having trouble picking your one word for the new year?

Me too. (See sarcastic answers above.)

Have you ever thought about ~~stealing~~ – I mean borrowing – a friend’s one word? It’s what ~~lazy~~ smart people do when they want a good one word but they don’t have time to brainstorm one for themselves.

Looking for your one word for 2017? Consider stealing one of these words.

Flow. “No longer trying to control the uncontrollable. Especially with my career. Just going with the flow to see where it takes me,” said Michele from MadSkills.

Going with the flow isn’t easy for anyone. For some of us, we might feel like we don’t have any choice but to float along with the unexpected waters. In 2017 Michele is focused on being open to new opportunities and accepting that she can’t control everything in her career.

If you like the word “flow” you may want to also consider tide, wave, succession, progression, advance or progress.

Beginning. “It’s a word that popped out to me, and one of its synonyms is ‘birth’ and we are having a baby this year! Seemed pretty fitting!,” said Tiffany from Seeing Sunshine.

Even if you aren’t pregnant, beginning might be calling your name this year. Are you starting a new job? Are you enrolling at a new university? Or you beginning a new chapter of your life? For example, your service member may be separating from military service in 2017 so you are beginning your post-military life together.

If you like the word “beginning” you may want to consider opening, kickoff, dawn, forward, new or launch.

Action. Ryan from the Military Wallet said he selected the one word “action” for this reason,

“I tend to think too much, and not do enough. Now I’m trying to let go and ship things, even if they aren’t perfect. I’ve let too many opportunities go by simply by trying to figure out the perfect answer/response/opportunity/fill-in-the-blank.

So I want to take more action.

This is a good follow up to last year’s word: Less. Less stress, less worry, less stuff, fewer obligations. I did well with that. Now I need to take action on those things that are most important.”

One year I picked “done” as my one word. This word served as a reminder that “done is better than perfect.” Like Ryan, I often don’t finish projects because I don’t have time to make them perfect (or what I think is perfect) so in my case, they are left unfinished. Does unfinished help me or anyone else? Nope.

If you like the word “action” you may want to consider finish, complete, act, achieve or accomplish.

Love. “I want to focus on showing love and doing things I love,” said Pamela at The Coastie Couple.

I love her choice. Our world, our community and our families could all use a little more love this year.

If you like the word “love” you may want to consider joy, appreciation, friendship, passion, gratitude, smile, accept or praise.

Jump. NextGen MilSpouse regular contributor Meg said she is “jumping into a totally new way of living, and it’s scary.” The new way of living includes a new baby coming soon, a possible career change in the near future and changes for her website, MilKids Education Consulting.

If you like the word “jump,” you may want to consider soar, rise, hurdle, surge, or ascend.

What’s my one word for 2017?

Spend. I have at least 3 major (read expensive) events planned for 2017. I want to remain debt-free so I’m carefully planning my spend money now so I can spend later on my sister’s wedding, our Disney vacation and a family reunion in Germany. This year I want to spend money on experiences that mean the most to me. I want to spend less on impulse items. And I want to spend time together reconnecting as a family and as a couple.

If that doesn’t work, I can always revert to “forget.”

Unless of course, I forget to make “forget” my one word.

What’s your one word for 2017? Share it in the comments along with why you decided to pick this word.

You Be You, Military Spouse

By Rachel Leave a Comment

A couple weeks back “Sex and the City” came on cable. My spouse was doing something on the computer and I had a project to finish, so I thought the movie would be good background noise.

As I sat there re-watching the first scene, I found myself sucked in because it brought back a flood of memories from more than 10 years ago. At the beginning of the movie, Carrie Bradshaw explains the moment she arrived in New York City and I immediately remembered my own personal experience.

At 18, I moved from Texas to start college in NYC. After graduating, I started a career. Although I wasn’t an exact representation of Carrie Bradshaw, I did also have a love for the city that shaped me. The opportunity and excitement was what drew me into the city. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured myself leaving.

But, a soldier came into my life in the most unexpected and amazing way. And, at 28, I moved out to start a new adventure.

I wouldn’t re-do anything if I had the chance. I’m so happy with how things have come together (besides military forced separation, of course). I just had this moment, sitting next to my spouse, while my cat ran around the living room, when I realized, am I any different?

As the movie ended, I began to cry because I’ve realized how far I’ve gone since the 22 year old that saw “Sex in the City” for the first time. I feel a little silly for having this movie affect me so much now, but my life has drastically changed.

I can’t walk around Central Park whenever I feel like it.

I now have to wait for traveling Broadway shows, if I want my live musical fix.

The sounds of sirens and plates smashing on the street are no more (I lived in a predominantly Greek neighborhood).

My 18-year-old self would have been like,

“what are you doing?! You’ve worked so hard to bring yourself to where you are at. Why are you going to marry a soldier?”

It does seem like I left my life behind for a man. What my younger self doesn’t realize is that I was actually making the decision for myself and despite all the little details of my life that are different, I’m still the same person that left the city.

I still bite my nails when I’m nervous.

I still snort when I’m laughing.

I still LOVE the Yankees.

And most importantly, I still have a passion to do the best for myself no matter what the circumstances.

When we become a significant other to a service member, it seems like a struggle to keep your identity. You’re dealt a different hand of cards than your civilian friends and it’s a constant battle of dealing with the unexpected.

I’m here to tell you the goods news.

After my emotional moment was over, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have always been and done the things that were true to myself.

Even when it feels like military life may have changed more than your address, you are still you.

Because you agreed to share your life with a service member, you already are amazing, please remember that. You’ve accepted a rewarding challenge.

We might not be exactly where we expected to be in our lives, but the one thing that’s for certain is that we can always be our best selves. Watching the “Sex and the City” movie again was my aha moment that showed me that being true to ourselves is what makes us genuinely ourselves no matter the lifestyle we’re in.

You will always be you.

52 Goals Week 39: Have a Marriage Performance Review (Free Printable!)

By Rachel Leave a Comment

The third member of our marriage – the Army – adds some unique challenges to my marriage.

Although, yes, I sort of knew what I was getting myself into when I married my soldier (because I was a military child), nobody really knows what curve balls military life is going to throw at you.

Separation is a part of military life, but we don’t get a timeline when we tie the knot.

Moving is part of military life, but we don’t get to pick the duty station.

Community is part of military life, but we may find it challenging to find a new best friend at every post.

The constant transitions and challenges of military life can take a toll on both the military spouse and the service member. The stress may put a strain on your relationship.

That’s why it’s important to sit down with your spouse to have a conversation about your marriage. It’s a sort of annual performance review, like you have at your job with your supervisor, and marriage experts say annual marriage performance reviews could save your marriage.

Week 39 Challenge: Have a marriage performance review

Challenge Details: Schedule a time to sit down with your spouse to have a marriage performance review. This review is simply a way to check in with your spouse. It’s an opportunity to share your feelings and frustrations about your marriage in an open and honest way. You can also use this time to set goals as a couple.

Your Deadline: October 3. But, if your service member is away, I’ll give you some leeway, just get it done ASAP!

Bonus Points if you post a photo of you and your spouse having your marriage performance review on Instagram or Twitter.

Here are the 3 steps for your marriage performance review.

Review Your Marriage Separately

No matter where you are in your relationship, a marriage performance review can be beneficial. Start by downloading and printing 2 copies of NextGen MilSpouse’s Relationship Performance Review. Give one to your significant other.

In a marriage performance review, you evaluate your spouse’s performance on a 5-point scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree. There are 5 categories, including parenting, to review. If you don’t have kids, just skip that one.

Reflect on these statements and your responses before meeting with your spouse.

Time to Get Real. Share Your Thoughts and Feelings

You and your spouse won’t know what’s been working or not working in your marriage without a marriage performance review. Spend this time together talking about your answers to the marriage performance review. Celebrate what is working in your marriage. Then discuss ways that you can work together to make improvements in the next year.

Keep an Open Mind

After sharing your feelings about yourself, your spouse and your marriage, it’s time to move forward and incorporate what you learned in your marriage performance review to strengthen your marriage.

The point of the marriage performance review is to make sure you both know what each other is thinking and feeling. You’ve already made it here, so I’m sure there is much more to look forward to, even with the military casting shadows of doubt and uneasiness every now and then.