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Don’t Forget To Take A Bow Before Entering 2018

December 31, 2017 By Guest Contributor Leave a Comment

by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

Don’t Forget To Take A Bow Before Entering 2018

Photo by Inna Lesyk on Unsplash

The New Year is almost upon us. Like many of you, I’ll be ringing it in with family and friends. This year I’m going to do it a bit different than the last.

I’m going to ignore the loud shouts from society to deliver a life-changing resolution for 2018.

I think we all know better than that.

As military spouses, certain aspects of our lives are reinvented every few years. We can take the recommendations of shaking up our daily routines from the talking heads on television in stride. If you are in the midst of a very negative situation or dealing with toxic or bad behavior then these comments are certainly not geared toward such situations.

This year I’m ignoring the loud shouts from society to deliver a life-changing resolution.

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For those of us who know December 31, 2017 and December 31, 2018 will pretty much look the same then I want to recommend something different.

I want us to give ourselves a break.

Think about all the great things we accomplished last year and take a bow.

If you survived a PCS, well done! If your family was promoted, keep up the great work!

We spend far too much of our time focusing on the negativity of our lives instead of trying to replicate the successes.

Take a bow for the great things you accomplished last year.

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I know; it sounds too good to be true, right? Yet I would bet that if we made a resolution to keep embracing our extended military families as our own we’d get a ton more satisfaction.

Instead the masses would like us to set a stereotypical goal of going to the gym every day. Sure, the first few days are great but those lofty ideals fall victim to the challenges of life; and we know those unique stressors line up to greet us every day. With such staggering statistics from sources like Business Insider; 80% of all resolutions don’t last through February.

We need to change how we look toward the future and see the value we’re bringing into the New Year already.

Here are my 3 goals for 2018.

I will continue to embrace the fact that I’m not perfect and that sometimes life is really out to get me; and that is OK.

I will continue to bask in the chaos which comes with being a stay-at-home parent. After all, my kids will eventually leave the nest so I’ll cherish the good and bad days equally. Because I know that sooner, rather than later, I’ll miss them terribly.

Lastly, I will keep focused on the fact that as a military family our success will be made as a team. My wife and I can conquer anything but only if we keep working together.

My goals above are not anything out of the ordinary from the very ideals we all hold near and dear to our hearts. All of us are trying to do the right thing for everyone around us.

Give yourself some much-needed credit and walk into the New Year head held high, shoulders back and ready to do the same great things you succeeded at last year.

But before you do that take a bow for a job well done in 2017!

Eric GardnerEric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors . You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

Filed Under: Articles, Military Lifestyle, Monthly Theme, Slider Tagged With: Army spouse, Male Spouse, New Year's Resolutions, Personal Goals, Simply Stated, stay at home parent

What Am I Even Doing?

October 3, 2017 By Guest Contributor 3 Comments

 

by Maggie Phillips, Guest Contributor

Today I had the stunning realization that as of November 2016, I have spent just slightly more time out of the workforce than in it.

Appropriately enough for an epiphany of this magnitude, it occurred at a church. I had been to a christening during which I learned both the father and the godfather had attended my alma mater and I excitedly introduced myself when it was over.

After our initial circle of congratulations for having attended the same school 12 years apart, they asked the question I should have seen coming but by which I found myself completely blindsided.

“What,” one of them asked, “Do you do now?”

At this point in my story, I feel I should mention my husband was TDY. I was wearing a 6 month old, and pushing a 4 and a 2 year old in a double stroller.

“Oh,” I said, without even trying to finesse the facts a little bit, “I married a West Pointer after graduation and now he goes off and I stay home with these three.”

If there was a sound eyebrows make when they sort of knit together in the middle and droop down on the outsides, that sound would have been deafening as I watched my audience respond.

A little annoyed with myself as I heaved my 80+ pounds of kids uphill to my minivan, I felt tears spring to my eyes as I thought over what I could have and should have said.

I felt that being a stay-at-home mom was the right decision for me until I find myself watching my friends and their start-ups. I suddenly felt left behind.

How about that I used to work for the Army? I had a security clearance and wrote for 3 and 4-star generals.

I write now. I could have mentioned that.

But I’m nowhere close to the breadwinner and I feel like saying writing is “what I do” to strangers is only a step above saying I enjoy watching TV in my spare time.

It’s fashionable I realize now for military spouses to have a side hustle or a professional career. When I was growing up as a military brat, the closest thing your average military spouse had to a side hustle was, as a friend once observed, wearing seasonal applique denim dresses and volunteering at the thrift shop.

But that’s all changed now.

I sometimes feel like I’m the only military spouse who isn’t on “Shark Tank.” For months I’ve been telling myself the R. Riveter bag girls were operating on a different level than me. I couldn’t start an upscale accessory company if I wanted to, I consoled myself. I have no real sewing experience.

Guess what I just found out? When the R. Riveter people started, they couldn’t. even. sew.

It took me 7 months to finish the biography “Hamilton” was based on because I kept falling asleep from the sheer exhaustion of reading about his many accomplishments.

Had I made a mistake in staying home with my kids?

It was a decision I made before we had our first child. You see, I suffer from anxiety. Not terrible anxiety, but worse than average.

I know it’s 2017 and because of the Internet everyone’s turned into a Cathy cartoon bragging about how overwhelming they find adulting and consequently, how much they love staying in with their Ben & Jerry’s or avocado toast or whatever. On a scale of 2017 Cathy to like, say, a Woody Allen surrogate character, I land squarely on “occasionally slightly medicated.”

I was a little worried about what balancing the stresses of a career, kids and a husband in the military would do to me.

I felt opting out of the workforce for a time would be the right course of action. Three kids later, I find myself watching my friends with their jobs and their start-ups and I wonder how I got left behind.

I felt that being a stay-at-home mom was the right decision for me until I find myself watching my friends and their start-ups. I suddenly felt left behind.

To an extent, I probably suffer a bit from being a millennial. An old millennial, but 1987 still counts and I definitely identify with a lot of the charges against them.

I’m risk-averse and kind of lazy.

I call my parents a lot.

On the other hand, I’m lucky to have a good example. My mom is a military spouse of over 30 years who plugged away at writing for years. She had plenty of pieces rejected, but she kept at it. She’s now a published author and has worked as a paid writer.

Maybe I’ll never be the R. Riveter founders.

Nobody is ever going to buy my half-finished cross stitch project off of Etsy.

Nothing I can come up with will ever really wow Mark Cuban, although for the record I had a dream about a business idea for a line of perfumes that lets you smell like your favorite character on “Friends.”

But if there’s one thing I learned from that “Hamilton” biography, it’s that I have 17 more years to sufficiently earn the murderous wrath of a sitting vice-president.

Make sure you never miss a story by signing up for our weekly e-news. Every Thursday, we deliver our top posts, latest Happy Hour podcast episode and news from Military.com. Sign up today!

Maggie PhillipsE. Margaret Phillips who goes by Maggie has worked for the Army in different capacities for over 3 years, for both U.S. Army Training and Doctrine Command and for U.S. Army Public Health Command. She has been published in the United States Foreign Service Association’s Foreign Service Journal, and in the U.S. Army professional publication, Military Review. She is a mother of 3 and has been an Army spouse for 8 years.

Filed Under: Articles, Parenting, Self, Slider Tagged With: Army spouse, freelancer, Just Say No, parenting, stay at home parent

What I Did To Help Me Fall In Love With Staying Home

June 26, 2017 By Meg Flanagan Leave a Comment

 

Being a stay-at-home parent (SAHP) seems awesome from the outside in. It looks like it’s all sweet storytimes, cuddles on the couch, and baking brownies.

Let me tell you: it’s not.

I’ve been doing this SAHP gig since school got out last summer and it is not all sweetness and delight. A lot of my day is spent negotiating with my toddler over the necessity of holding hands on a busy sidewalk or injuring my feet on her Little People. Those bad boys are pointy!

It’s also been really hard for me to make this transition from full-time teacher to full-time stay-at-home parent while also trying to break into the writing world. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be doing this except for a weird one-year duty station.

It hasn’t been perfect some of the time or even most of the time. But along the way, there have been moments and things I did that helped me to fall in love with staying home.

What I Did To Help Me Fall In Love With Staying At Home

What I Did To Help Me Fall In Love With Being a Stay-At-Home Parent

Create a Tribe

I found my tribe at Stroller Warriors. I’m an avid runner and had been dying to get into this group in our last hometown, but with work, weather and distance, it never worked out. Now, I have the time to go to every workout and have made some amazing friends to boot!

Your tribe can be found anywhere. I know that my neighborhood at our first duty station was really tight, so much so that no one thought anything of having impromptu doggie/child playdates midday. Use what you have: church, MOPS, Bible study, neighborhood friends or workout groups. Get contact info and be open to new adventures.

Be Patient, Be Kind

When life is controlled by an opinionated toddler, life moves in interesting ways and directions. So no, you won’t always get that 2-hour block in the middle of the day to “adult,” but you will be able to re-watch your favorite movies from childhood frequently.

Kids are also learning so much about life and how they act and react is based on us. Being patient with my child and myself has been a huge stumbling block and learning opportunity for me. I’ve had to learn how to communicate effectively using minimal big words. I’ve also learned the power of the “Mommy Time-Out.” Seriously, Momma needs a minute.

I also know that I am not perfect at parenting. I get angry, frustrated and tired like everyone else. But tomorrow is another day and I get to try again to be the best mother I can be right now.

Explore Together

Wherever you are, it seems that there is never enough time to truly explore. When you day is scheduled around meals and naps, there is a little more time and flexibility to get out of the house. Plus, doing stuff creates tired children, and tired children nap.

There are sure to be parenting blogs or websites that show cool places to go with your littles. If not, ask around in your new circle of friends.

I love to see different places with my tot in tow. It makes me slow down and appreciate the moment just a little bit more.

Relish The Lack of Crowds

The other day, we went to a local nature and animal preserve for the morning. This place is usually a big attraction where we are, but it was almost empty! We showed up on a Wednesday, right after it opened. With bigger kids at school and adults at work, it was just us and a handful of tourists.

Without crowds, those big-time attractions become suddenly more manageable. Since almost no one was there, my kiddo had free range to explore along the sidewalks and paths, to stop and look at the animals, or to pick up 1,000,000 rocks.

Become More Mindful

As a classroom teacher, I always had a very strict schedule to attend to. There wasn’t a whole lot of time to really stop and smell the roses.

My mindset must still be the same, because I keep trying to hurry my child through our day. She wants to inspect some rocks and I just want to get to the final destination.

This year has reminded me that the journey is just as important as the destination. So if a kid wants to splash in puddles for hours on end, and it’s safe to do so, let her.

It is so easy to get frustrated and mad about the slow pace. But I am trying to stop and sit and let her be little as long as I can.

Savor The “I Love You” Moments

My favorite moments are the ones that are pure sweetness. I love when my baby climbs into my lap and asks for one more story. Or when she hugs me tightly and rests her head on my shoulder before she runs off to keep playing. My favorite moments each and every day are the ones when she says “I love you, Mommy.”

I know that as she grows into a big kid, then a tween, teen and finally an adult, those whispered “I love you’s” and sticky kisses will become fewer and farther between.

Right now, I get to savor them all day, every day. If I could bottle those moments up and keep them forever, I would.

Grab This Extra Time Together

Youth is so fleeting and fast. I know that I have no idea where the last 2 years went at all. Seriously, how is it 2017 already? But this year of staying home has given me the chance to create traditions, memories and a strong bond with my child. I know I will never get this age or stage back with her, and I have been afforded the opportunity to really treasure it.

So I’m trying to slow down, take my time, be patient with both of us, and enjoy these days staying at home with my baby.

Before I know it, we will move again and I might return to work again; my currently small kiddo will grow bigger and bigger, and need me less and less.

It has definitely taken me some time, and not just a few growing pains, but I have fallen in love with being a stay-at-home parent.

Do you love being a stay-at-home parent? What are your favorite aspects of this role? 

Filed Under: Articles, Parenting, Relationships, Slider Tagged With: career decisions, children, Confessional, empowerment, Marine Corps spouse, parenting, stay at home parent, We've Come So Far, working parent

5 Gift Ideas for the Stay-at-Home Dad for Father’s Day

June 9, 2017 By Guest Contributor 1 Comment

 

by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

5 Gift Ideas for the Stay-at-Home Dad for Father's Day

As a military spouse, a dad, veteran, and stay-at-home provider, I find Father’s Day to be a wonderful time to take a breath and marvel at how fantastic my kids are.

My wife and I are blessed with 2 beautiful girls. While we have been with the Army for over 18 years our bundles of joy are only 10 and 7 years old. Which means I am still entrenched in the Father’s Day ritual of a unique breakfast in bed and fun activities on this illustrious day.

I’m a bit older now so I’m sure it will involve some sort of bran muffin or cereal as a joke (thanks babe). But there will be coffee and smiling faces so it will be terrific.

After breakfast we go to the main event; the presenting of a gift bag with wonderfully colored tissue paper exploding from the top. Inside, crafted by little fingers would be a homemade wonder. I know these priceless keepsakes will not keep coming forever so in this world dominated by gadgets and gizmos my idea of what makes a great gift has changed.

As I looked back at all of our Father’s Day events, my best memories always involve an adventure where we did something fun together. Of course the ones that really stick out in my mind are the completely guy-focused activities (remember I’m totally outnumbered).

In the spirit of helping my fellow male spouses get the most out of this fantastic day I thought I’d share my top 5 gift ideas for the best Father’s Day experience. Spoiler alert, there aren’t any neckties involved.

5. The Bass Pro Shop/Cabala’s shopping experience. If you’ve never been to one of these giant men magnets on Father’s Day I highly recommend it. We went one year and my lovely wife made the comment “you can get anything you want.” Before I could sprint through the door however she followed up by saying “within reason.”

Those of you who have been to these wonderful showrooms know, very little is “within reason.” However they had an outdoor archery range, BB gun/air rifle firing range, fishing at the store pond and tons more for families to do.

I didn’t walk away with anything in a shopping bag but I had a grin from ear to ear because both my girls were so enthralled with every single activity, and talked about it for weeks to come.

4. Sharing a hobby. The world of a stay-at-home provider typically translates to jack-of-all-trades. Military spouses tend to learn how to do it all very quickly. Loads of fun right? Yet I would be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy working in the garage on a project (or 12) or sneaking away to write a few chapters in a new book.

While these solitary moments are fleeting, I find that my daughters being interested and wanting to build, craft or write something with me is infinitely more enjoyable.

3. Water balloon/water gun ambush. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good water fight? We’re all kids at heart, and I think Father’s Day being in June is a completely justifiable reason for this awesome home-styled adventure.

2. Dad T.V. time with a catch. As I said above I live in a house with 3 females. I’ve seen my fair share of “Drop Dead Diva” episodes, “Gilmore Girls” seasons, and “Legally Blonde” marathons.

The life of a stay-at-home dad is not T.V. and beer all day (much to my chagrin).

So this one festive day is a 24-hour gift of 80s action movies, edited for T.V. horror movies or a “Star Wars” marathon (you’ve got to remember my kids are 10 and 7) What makes this special is that everyone is there to share in the awesome one-liners, outrageous action sequences and impossible plot twists that everyone ignores.

1. A chance to soak it all in. Life happens way too fast. The military culture can force our family time into fleeting snapshots due to busy schedules. Here is a perfect day to slow the train down, maybe even get off for a minute. You only get to go around once.

If you have been blessed with children let them share in every minute of every day, but on Father’s Day take a few more moments to make it more memorable.

Do you have any great gift ideas for Father’s Day? Share them in the comments section.

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors . You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

Filed Under: Articles, Parenting, Relationships, Slider Tagged With: Army spouse, Father's Day, Gift ideas, military spouse authors, parenting, stay at home parent, veteran, We've Come So Far

How to Find Affordable Child Care When You Can’t Afford a Babysitter

November 29, 2016 By Meg Flanagan Leave a Comment

I have not had a date night in about a year. I’ve read the advice about taking “us” time every week or month and I would love to escape with my husband.

But when you are stationed far from your family and move just as you create babysitter connections, finding someone to take care of your kids so you can take care of your marriage can be tough.

It’s even harder on a tight budget. Gee, no military family ever has THIS worry!

When quality sitters can run $10 or more per hour, finding a babysitter for regular or even occasional date nights is a serious financial burden. We’ve had babysitters cost more than our actual date.

Usually, we just skip date nights, schedule doctor’s appointments very carefully and frequent kid-friendly places exclusively.

There are ways to squeeze in your adults-only time, if you get a little creative with child care. Here are 5 child care ideas you may want to consider when you’re craving a date night.

How to Find Affordable Child Care When You Can't Afford a Babysitter

I’ll Trade You

Find another parent or couple who also need child care and offer to swap. You’ll watch their little darling while they have a date night (or a doctor’s appointment or run to the commissary solo) if they will watch yours the next week.

Get even fancier and trade child care for pet care! For your friends without kiddos, but who adore yours, volunteer to watch Fido or Kitty while they are out of town.

No pets? That’s fine! You can keep an eye on their house, check the mail and water the plants.

With this, it’s a one-to-one swap. That makes it simple to manage and easy to keep track of over time.

Consider Joining a Babysitting Co-op

You can either “buy” into an existing child care co-op or create one. Basically, a group of parents agrees to provide X amount of child care per month or week in exchange for solo time.

Often, co-ops are linked to Mommy and Me workout groups. But there is nothing preventing your neighborhood or social group from starting shopping or pedicure cooperative child care groups. One or two parents would watch all the kids while the other adults would go take care of business.

First, agree on the essentials: how often child care is needed, what days and how long the “alone” time will last. Then set up a rotation and enjoy your time sans children.

This also works really well for girls’ nights out, as long as your crew is OK with having one or two members miss out during each event. On the other hand, the de facto sitters could join forces and have their own fun night in!

Barter with Your Time or Skills

You need a sitter, but can’t offer in-kind services or payment in return? You can trade your time or skills for child care.

One example would be to offer tutoring services to high school or college students in exchange for date nights. You could spin your sweet writing or graphic design skills into a way to “pay” for your date nights.

Know a single gal or guy (or even another busy parent) who needs some home cooking? Offer to teach them your tricks or bring by their favorite recipes in return for a few hours of babysitting.

With barter, you could go a bunch of different directions with your swapping: plants, fresh veggies, gardening service, lawn care, dog walking, workout or personal training advice, etc. But it probably works better with a person that you know well or already have a connection with.

Find Stand-In Grandparents Where You’re Currently Stationed

Do you have an older adult in your life that you (and your child) simply love? Find out how they might feel about hanging with your munchkin every once in a while!

Your child will get to spend some quality time with a grandparent-figure. This helps them to build relationships with older adults and experience some of the things they might miss with their actual grandparents far away. The stand-in grandparent might be lonely and want to share their love with a child. And recent research has shown that occasionally caring for young children can help prevent the onset of Alzheimer’s.

In return, pop by to visit, take your friend out for the day, provide shopping or appointment driving services or home-cooked meals. Really taking this person into your family will expand your circle of love!

Hire a Mother’s or Father’s Helper

I especially love this creative child care solution, and plan to use it a lot once baby #2 arrives. It’s also perfect for sick days and work-from-home military spouses.

In your neighborhood or unit or social circle, there are probably tween or younger teen kids who want to learn how to babysit, but are too young to be left alone for long periods. Reach out and offer to let them practice on your kids while you recuperate, tend to a younger child or get your hustle on.

Pay your mother’s (or father’s) helper a small fee, usually under $5 per hour and provide snacks or a meal.

Your kids will likely love playing with an older child. You will be able to adult. The helper will be building up his or her resume for future babysitting gigs.

This great for homeschooled kids with flexible daytime schedules or during the summer when the tweens are out of school.

No matter which route, or routes, you take to find reliable child care, be sure that you fully vet and trust the people you are leaving your child with.

And leave your list of emergency contacts.

How do you find a babysitter after moving to a new duty station? Have you tried any of these creative child care solutions? 

Filed Under: Articles, Money, Parenting, Slider Tagged With: child care, date night, Making It Work, marriage, parenting, stay at home parent, working parent

How to Get Back in the Swing of Things After a Work Break

September 1, 2016 By Meg Flanagan Leave a Comment

I’m heading back to work this fall and I’m a little bit nervous.

I’ve been out of work, on purpose, for the last year or so. We moved and then moved again very quickly. Having a job for such a short time just didn’t make sense. Especially when you factor in the child care search and expenses!

Returning to the workforce after such a long break or any break can be tough. I have fallen out of my workday routines and habits. Right now, I wake up as late as my toddler will let me and have lots of time to drink my formerly warm coffee.

6 Tips for Smooth & Easy Transition When Returning to Work

Here are 6 tips to help you get back in the swing of things when returning to work.

How to Get Back in the Swing of Things After a Work Break

Set It, Don’t Forget It

Your alarm, that is! The week before you go back to work, plan to set your alarm a little earlier every day. I usually start with 5- or 10-minute increments, but you can use something that works for you.

By setting your alarm a little earlier every day, your body will be used to an earlier rise and shine when your big day arrives!

Lay It Out

One of the best tricks my mom ever taught me is the value of clothing prep. Every night before school, I pulled out my clothes for the next day and set them out in my room. Even as an adult, with kids of my own, I still prep my outfits the night before – because not all of us wear digi print daily.

Having my clothes ready to go in the morning makes everything smoother. I know what I am wearing, making the dig through my closet a thing of the past. I (almost) never run out of clean undies and if I do I have time to throw in a quick wash.

I can also game plan my hair and makeup strategy: wash my locks or leave them dirty, up or down, bright lipstick or neutral palette?

Slow Cook Everything

Pinterest is FULL of creative pins for overnight oats and slow cooker meals. Use them, love them.

I am unashamed to admit that my house is a slow cooker home.

On Sunday nights, I make a big batch of oatmeal in my smaller cooker. This sets us up for breakfast every day for the week. On Monday, a whole chicken or a roast is cooking away all day long while I am at work. When I get home, all I need to do is add some veggies and a carb. Dinner is served!

As a bonus, slow cookers can make food in big batches with very little effort on your part. This makes it easier to set up lunch and dinners from the leftovers for a few days.

For example, that whole chicken will turn into at least 2 lunches (straight leftover chicken dinner or chicken salad sandwiches) and 2 more dinners (chicken pot pie with frozen veggies and pre-made pie crust, plus chicken soup).

Back in the Swing of Things Pro-tip: Cook once. Eat all week long!

Get Out the Door

Like everything else, prep is key for a smooth morning. I keep all my work things, like shoes and bags, right near the main exit. I stuff my bags the night before with whatever I might need: reports I took home to review, extra gum or even a few snacks. After I make lunch, that goes next to my work bag.

At go time, I slip on my shoes, pick up my bags and slip out the door.

Take It Slow(er)

Routines are easier to set up at home: you control most things there. Routines at work are on someone else’s schedule. It can be hard to go from living life and checking emails at your leisure to operating with deadlines and timetables. So take it slower at first.

Be forgiving of yourself. I know that my lesson plans weren’t perfect when I returned from maternity leave. Instead of beating myself up about it, I noted what was wrong or could be better and made the effort to correct it the next day.

Ask Questions, Request Help

Whether you are going to a brand new job or jumping back into your previous position, things will be different. Ask questions! Every job is different, so your questions might be different than mine. After maternity leave, I found out about new programs, new report formats and different schedules.

It is also super important to ask for help when you need it. When you succeed at work, your whole office becomes better too.

People want to help you! You just need to ask.

Find a more experienced coworker or ask your supervisor for a peer mentor. Having someone to show you the ropes and offer kind suggestions to improve your work can be so valuable.

As you head back to work, there will be bumps in the road. That’s OK. It’s normal!

By taking it slow at first and doing night-before prep work at home, your transition back to the workforce can be much smoother and easier!

What are your best tips for returning to work after a break?

Filed Under: Articles, Career, Monthly Theme, Slider Tagged With: In the Swing of Things, military family, parenting, stay at home parent, working milspouse

People Often Ask Me ‘Do You Miss the Military?’

September 21, 2015 By Guest Contributor Leave a Comment

by Amanda, Guest Contributor

When you meet a former military member who is now a military spouse, here are some things to know, at least from my perspective.

Oftentimes people are surprised when they learn that I served in the military for 6 years before my husband and I decided it was time for me to leave military service and stay at home to raise our family.

It took a lot of discussion between my husband and I before deciding which road we would take when our family of 2 became 3.

Staying in or getting out?

Getting out, staying home or working outside the home?

There were many different choices and decisions that had to be made. In the end I chose to leave the military and stay at home with my son. To say it has been an easy road and transition would be a false statement.

I thought the road would be smooth. I understood what the military asked of airmen and I thought I would be able to understand why my husband had to go and why he was at work longer than he planned.

When you meet a former military member who is now a military spouse, here are some things to know, at least from my perspective.

But there was a whole lot more to staying at home parent than being an understanding wife and mom.

And being in the military had become part of my identity and maybe, just maybe, I had not realized how hard it would be to trade in my captain bars and career to be a stay-at-home mom and military wife.

Being in the military was something that was ingrained into who I was. I served 6 years, but if you look back to my Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) days the total time I was attached to the military was a decade.

The entire time I knew my husband, we were either in the military or were training to become military officers. When I transitioned to staying at home we lost that military connection between the 2 of us.

An equal footing, a connected path…I’m not sure what it was, but it changed everything and nothing at the same time.

It didn’t help that 8 weeks after our son was born my husband left for military training for 8 weeks. His path was leading him forward, where I felt like I was floundering to survive as a new mom.

Looking back, I had thought my military experiences would prepare me for motherhood.

Seriously, I had deployed to Afghanistan, been shot at and had to deal with some pretty ugly personalities. My biggest fear with staying at home was boredom, but that wasn’t what I found. I found out all my adventures were just adventures. I had grown and learned from my experiences, but I was no different than anyone else, especially other moms.

And when I thought about military wives who gave birth while their spouses were deployed or had endured long hours and many times alone, I knew that I was joining a group made up of tough and strong people.

I guess that is one of the reasons I am often surprised by the regular follow-up question after finding out I served in the military is

if I wished I had stayed in or if I miss military service?

It is a hard question to answer because it isn’t something I have given a lot of thought.

I know the choice we made was the right choice for our family and it has given us the opportunity to stay together. Of course, some days I miss life before kids where I felt like I had accomplished so much and could list my accolades to random strangers who were often impressed.

But the longer I stay home the more I realize how lucky I am to see everything happening so fast as my son grows up. His first steps, his cute giggles and special snuggles.

I may have given up a lot to leave the military, but in the end what I get each day is worth so much more.

The longer I stay at home, the more blessed I feel. Each day he grows more independent and I sadly know he is already growing up to fast.

When you meet a former military member who is now a military spouse, here are some things to know, at least from my perspective.

When you meet a former military member who is now a military spouse, here are some things to know, at least from my perspective.

  • Did this military spouse love serving her country? Likely yes.
  • Is this military spouse proud of his or her military service? Yes.
  • Is this military spouse proud of her service member and all that he does for her family? Yes.
  • Does this military spouse miss being in the military? On occasion.
  • Does she feel any different because she served and you did not? No, we are all military spouses in the military community together.

We are here to stand beside you and encourage you. We may still have some military in us that causes us to stress at disorder or take charge like a steamroller, but deep down we are really trying to help and make a connection in this crazy military life.

Are you a military spouse who is former active duty or Reservist? What’s your military spouse story? Tell us in the comments section. 

Why I Left the Air Force to Be a SAHMHi I’m Amanda! I am a former Air Force member who has transitioned to being a stay at home mom and Air Force wife. My husband and I met in college in our military training program. Since then, we have lived in New Mexico and Ohio and now California. Our son joined our family in the summer of 2013. I blog at Airman2Mom with stories incorporating life experience from motherhood and daily life while occasionally throwing in my past letters home from my Afghanistan deployment. My goal is to inspire others on their life journey and hopeful find some encouragement along the way. I love making new friends and would be honored if you followed my blog, liked my Facebook page and followed me on Twitter.

Filed Under: Articles, Military Lifestyle, Slider Tagged With: Air Force, Leading the Way, milspouse & veteran, milspouse blogger, stay at home parent

5 Smart Money Tips for Stay-At-Home Parents

August 16, 2015 By NextGen MilSpouse Staff Writer 3 Comments

5 Smart Money Tips for Stay-At-Home ParentsAre you a stay-at-home parent? Make sure you protect yourself and your family by following these 5 money rules specifically for you!

1.  Prepare for the unexpected

Being prepared is a given when it comes to caring for our children but how about our finances? As military spouses and parents, we know how quickly life can throw us a curveball.  So how do we prepare for that which we can technically not prepare for (i.e. the unexpected)? Have these 2 legal documents in your bugout stash: a will  and a power of attorney for your children.

Every adult person needs a will.  If you have children, the need is that much more. In a will you can establish guardianship for your children as well as distribute your assets in the event of your untimely death.

Remember this: Wills are not for the dead, rather they are for the living. They make life easier for your family in your absence. Unpleasant to discuss. Totally necessary to have.

I know I’m preaching to the choir when I discuss the importance of having a power of attorney (POA) on hand.  Typically we have one for our military partner, but how about POA for your children ?

We provide power of attorney (POA) for our children to my parents and renew it as required. The POA  grants my parents the authority to act as my kiddos’ guardians in my absence…perfect for extended visit’s to Nana and Papa’s house.

2.  Plan for the worst

Divorce

Divorce has an overwhelmingly negative impact on stay-at-home parents but specifically for stay-at-home moms. Women who choose to stay at home often sacrifice potential earning power, career development opportunities and end up with significant gaps in their job history. You can read more about the economic impact of divorce on women by visiting LIVESTRONG.

Protecting yourself from divorce is not something we want to even have to think about. I love my husband and I trust him completely. I have faith in my marriage and the strength of our relationship.

There are, however, 2 things I do not possess:

  1. the ability to read his mind
  2. a crystal ball

As much as I trust us, I cannot, in good faith, say “never.”  I have no idea what time or the future has in store for us, but I know that, without his income, I’m vulnerable.

Staying at home is a choice I’ve made that has come with calculated risks. Are you protecting your future while you stay at home?

Disability & Death

By no means are disability and death the one in the same, but the action you need to take in order to protect yourself from these two threats is insurance.  Both you and your spouse need to have adequate insurance coverage in the event of  death or disability. As a military spouse, you and your spouse are probably covered by SGLI and FGLI which is, at its core, term life insurance coverage.

Disability insurance is a lesser known and even less understood insurance policy by most. You can read more about disability insurance by checking out Quick and Dirty Tips and this Money Girl article about disability insurance.

3.  Don’t turn a blind eye to the family finances

Just because you’re not the money manager in your household doesn’t mean that you’re excused from knowing what is going on with the family finances. “I am just not good with money” or “He handles the money” are not sufficient excuses to ignore your family’s personal finances.

How do you handle money as a couple? Read our article about managing your money and your relationship, Yours, Mine and Ours.

If something were to happen to your spouse, like an unexpected death, do you know the bare bones to run your home, like when the bills are due or how much your family earns and spends each month? Do you know how much debt your family is carrying? Do you know where the passwords are to the online banking and bill paying accounts? Do you know if you have emergency savings? Are you an authorized user or a joint account holder for the checking, savings, loans and credit card accounts? There’s a difference.

Several years ago I realized that, as the money manager, I was doing a horrible disservice to my spouse if I didn’t inform him about our finances. I was horrified. Now we sit down at least 3 times a year to review our personal finances. You should do the same.

4.  Invest in yourself

Even if it seems far, far away, one day your children are going to head out on their own and do wonderful things in the world. What are you doing to prepare for that inevitable transition? Will you go back to school or work?

If you’re not actively thinking about and investing in your future, you are selling yourself and your potential short.

Start establishing a goal timeline for yourself to figure out where you want to be in the next 10, 15 0r 20 years. If you have a dream, there’s no time like the present to start figuring out how to make that dream a reality.

5.  Save for your retirement

Yes, one day, you will retire. Hubby and I have grand retirement plans, so we’re working hard now to be able to fulfill our senior years dreams. Hubby has the benefit of a pension and retirement savings with his Air Force career.

When I worked, I set aside in my employer’s 401k, but when I stopped working, so did my contributions.

Did you know that stay-at-home parents can save for retirement with a spousal IRA? Check out SmartMoney’s Guide to Spousal IRAs for more information.

Filed Under: Articles, Money, Parenting, Slider Tagged With: money, money talk, Power of Attorney, retirement, stay at home parent

When You Can’t Make Peace With Being a Stay-at-Home Parent

August 13, 2015 By Adrianna 3 Comments

We recently shared Making Peace With Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom by the Military Wife and Mom and it was hugely popular on our Facebook page.

The piece struck a chord with me because I was never able to make peace with being a stay-at-home mom. I tried.

I left my job as a civil servant right before my first daughter was born determined to be a stay-at-home mom because staying home is the right and selfless thing to do. I told myself,

Staying home is what good moms do.

And, of course, I wanted to be a good mom.

As I rolled into month four of staying home my baby was happy, my house was ridiculously clean, meals were served, volunteering hours complete and I was at war with myself. A small voice inside said,

Maybe you need to go back to work.

And I said,

Shut up. I can’t do that. I’m a good mom. Good moms stay home.

My mom stayed home until my younger sister entered school and she loved it. As much as I loved (and still love) being a mom, I couldn’t figure out why I felt so unhappy staying at home.

What ultimately kept me home for as long as I did (a little over a year) was guilt. Horrible, nagging guilt that by working I would somehow damage my child beyond recognition because I’m a horribly selfish person who would chose to leave her daughter behind to go to work.

It took me awhile to accept the fact that not working turned me into a miserable person. For me to feel whole, I need to have a professional identity. It’s a defining piece of who I am.

I have no idea how my spouse tolerated a professionally unfulfilled me. I became jealous of my spouse’s career. I resented his achievements. I became impatient, easily annoyed and, now looking back, pretty damn depressed.

What I decided is that staying home might’ve made me feel like I was being a good mom, but making my professional aspirations a priority made me a better mom and a better me.

Must Work Parent

Here’s some food for thought if you find yourself struggling to make peace with being a stay-at-home mom or dad.

There Is Nothing Wrong With You

Repeat this over and over again to yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You are normal. You are fine. It’s OK to not feel fulfilled by staying home. It’s not for everyone.

Staying Home Doesn’t Have to Be Forever

This one is a line directly from my mama. If you find yourself at war with yourself about going back to work, set a timeline for yourself. Make sure you discuss it with your spouse so s/he can support you in your professional journey.

Being a Working Mom Won’t Damage Your Kids

According to a Harvard Business School Study, not only will working not necessarily damage your kids it might just make them more successful than their peers and model more egalitarian relationships that transcend traditional gender roles.

It’s All About Quality Time (Not Quantity)

We all know that it’s quality and not quantity that matters when it comes to spending time with your children. It’s the simple things like reading a book together or sitting down for a nightly chat with your child that make all the difference.

Find Ways to Have Your Cake and Eat It Too

You don’t have to work full time right out of the gate. Explore options for part-time, freelance and location independent job opportunities. Heck, entrepreneurship is the new black and work-life blending is the new work-life balance. Where there is a will, there might just be a way.

The Truth About Staying Home or Working? It’s Personal.

Choosing to stay home doesn’t make you a great parent. And choosing to go to work doesn’t make you a horrible parent. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer and that’s OK.

Are you struggling (or did you struggle) with the choice to stay home or return to work when you became a parent? How did you make your decision?

Filed Under: Articles, Parenting, Relationships, Slider Tagged With: difficult decisions, Food for Thought, parenting, stay at home parent, working milspouse

Why My Volunteer Work Is My Full-Time Job

August 12, 2015 By Lila Quintiliani Leave a Comment

There was a time during my kids’ terrible toddlerhood where I might have given anything to be a working mom. Stay-at-home moms sometimes fantasize about a world where they drop off their crying offspring on the way to work, go have a terrific and productive day at the office, pick up their child on the way home and then have meaningful family time in the evening.

To my sleep-deprived mommy mind, parenting seemed like it would be easier if limited to just a few hours a day. Motherhood was something I had deeply craved, but it was not always intellectually stimulating.

Why One MilSpouse Is Choosing to Volunteer Rather Than Work Right Now

Finding a viable job, though, was easier said than done. With our itinerant military lifestyle, even with my advanced degrees from fancy-pants schools, we did not usually live in places where I could find a job that would pay for childcare, let alone fill some sort of intellectual void.

Plus, with my husband deploying so much, I had to be both mom and dad to two young girls and working didn’t seem to make sense or be a priority. I became my husband’s unit’s Family Readiness Group leader, which was like a full-time job, keeping me busy with meetings, fundraisers, newsletters and events.

I stayed at home. The kids got older and less terrible.

We moved more.

I finished a third college degree and then changed career fields and got a certification in financial counseling.

I worked part time here and there while the kids were in elementary school.

I interned at a Family Readiness Center for a year to get the butt-load of practicum hours I needed for my new profession.

I volunteered with my girls’ elementary school’s PTSA. You know the deal: I helped run the teacher appreciation committee, clipped Box Tops for Education and cut out shapes for teachers’ bulletin boards.

Volunteer work has always been a part of my life and probably always will be.

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We moved yet again, this time overseas. I thought half-heartedly about working. I also applied half-heartedly for a few federal jobs, right as the government was starting on a round of OCONUS cutbacks. I navigated the arcane USA Jobs site with difficulty from the on-post library, because we didn’t have internet yet. And when I got rejected I was upset, but not heartbroken, because our PCS was a tough one and it took me months to get life back to some semblance of normal.

In Europe, the Army gives soldiers four-day weekends every month, so we are able to travel a lot and have checked off many of our “bucket list” places. Since this was one of our main reasons for wanting to be stationed overseas, the whole job thing got pushed further back. If I got hired, I would have no leave accrued and we wouldn’t be able to go anywhere. I still applied when a really good job opening popped up, but it was a going-through-the-motions type of thing. I volunteered a bit with the PTA at school and became my daughters’ teachers’ go-to mom for field trips and classroom help.

Then I had one of those life-changing moments.

Last February, with terrifying suddenness, my older sister got admitted to the hospital. She had fallen a couple of times and an MRI showed that she had not one but TWO brain tumors. She needed to go into surgery immediately and I had to drop everything to find a flight that could get me across the Atlantic with enough time to make it to her side beforehand.

That first time I was only gone for a few days. We had been in Germany just under 5 months and I did not have a support system set up that would allow my husband to work and still be able to take care of the girls. We live in a remote German village, we have to drive to the bus stop and the school the girls attend is about 45 minutes from my husband’s job.

The bad news was that the tumors were malignant. I had to go back to the States to help care for my sister and help my family navigate her health insurance company, which constantly tried to refuse her medical care. I put the girls in after-school care, but it was still an incredible strain for my husband to have a normal work day and still pick them up in time. We had no back-up plan for TDY situations.

When school let out for the summer, I flew back and brought the girls back to the States with me. I was able to stay at my sister’s side for the entire ordeal. The treatments were horrible and she did not respond to them. She eventually slipped into a coma and died.

Ironically enough, this is when my career prospects started to look up. I had worked for the Military Saves campaign, encouraging service members to save. I started volunteering in the local garrison’s Army Community Service’s Financial Readiness program. I found out recently that there are going to be openings there soon, and I would be a shoo-in if I applied because of my qualifications and spouse preference.

But I am not applying for these jobs.

Yes, I could put the kids in after-school care or I could let them “hang out” on the installation the way some parents do. But I would rather be present in their lives and let them have after-school activities and not worry about what happens if daddy has to go TDY or deploy. I would rather travel whenever my husband or the kids have time off.

Knowing how fleeting things can be, I would rather make the most of life right now than chase a career, especially since we will PCS yet again in less than a year.

Yes, we have to live on one salary, but it’s what we’ve been doing for years: I’m very used to scrimping and saving (I’m a financial counselor, after all). I can keep my professional skills and my sanity, and help out others, by volunteering at the family readiness center.

Volunteer work has always been a part of my life and probably always will be, even if I do eventually choose a full-time paid career.

If you are volunteering right now, here are 3 things to consider:

Why One MilSpouse Is Choosing to Volunteer Rather Than Work Right Now

Keep your resume current and make sure that you are including and accurately describing your volunteer work. For example, if you have experience fund-raising, being a committee chairperson or organizing an event, be sure to include it on your resume. These are highly sought after skills in the “real” world.

Treat volunteer work the way you would a job. Be professional and courteous. You wouldn’t show up late or skip out on a paid job, so don’t do it when you volunteer.

It’s all about networking. Volunteer work can often be a path to a full-time job. It’s your foot in the door, your way to find out insider information and your way to make a good impression on potential future bosses and professional references.

Are you choosing to volunteer instead of work full-time right now? What factors influenced your decision? 

Filed Under: Articles, Career, Slider Tagged With: Food for Thought, married to the military, networking, stay at home parent, volunteering

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