by Hannah Anders, Guest Contributor
This isn’t where I thought I would be.
One year ago, I had just gotten home from a cruise with my family and a camping trip with my brother. One year ago I was a college student working part-time. One year ago I wasn’t here.
Where is here?
Here is a 850-square-foot apartment with three small bedrooms. One is mine and my husband’s bedroom, one is a makeshift game room/ storage/crafting room, and the last is slowly turning into a nursery. I could believe the other two rooms if you told me a year ago, but the nursery I would have laughed at.
Actually, six months ago I would have laughed too. Six months ago, I was 21 and living it up. Slowly learning about myself, exploring myself, and the city I had lived in for almost a year.
Then five months ago I found out I was pregnant, four months ago I was married, and one month ago I finally realized everything…
Don’t get me wrong I love my husband. I have known him for almost eight years, been close friends for four, and together for two. I’m happy about the baby too, but I will be honest being happy has been hard too.
My husband and I planned on being married next April, bluebonnet season in Texas…my favorite (and my dad’s). I was supposed to be a semester from graduating. We were going to go wherever the Army sent us, and every leave he got we were going to travel, but plans don’t always work out.
I came to terms with that a long time ago.
Changing route wasn’t hard.
Being pregnant hasn’t been the hard part either (so far…knock on wood).
The hard part has been seeing who I am — a 21-year-old “adult,” a college dropout, a wife, a soon-to-be mom and a young woman who’s lost.
I am lost and I can admit that. I am a girl who is lost because I don’t have my parents anymore to turn to and that’s hard. Not having a mom to call up about every little thing that we daughters call about is why I find all the change so hard. Not being able to see how excited my dad would be to have a grandson is hard to… (If you haven’t caught on adulting is hard)
It’s not all bad, though.
In my lost mindset I have successfully unpacked and nearly decorated our home. I have created a budget spreadsheet. I have a spreadsheet to keep track of the clothes my son has. Somehow, he has managed to bypass his dad and I and he isn’t even here yet.
I have a daily planner, like in school except way less organized, but way more color coded. I have learned that Pinterest and Instagram are the most unrealistic things ever.
I have been so scared of what happens after the baby arrives more than having the baby. This is because you can’t organize a baby, you can’t spreadsheet, color code, plan or Pinterest your way to perfect parenting.
You can try to organize and sometimes you get lucky and have a baby that easily gets on a schedule for feeding, sleeping, changing, etc. and then you have those kids that are completely unpredictable and have an ear infection every other week (an over exaggeration, but my mom would swear I did).
This is what scares me.
This is partially why I have had an emotional pregnancy. (When I say emotionally I mean I’ve stayed stone-faced and appear unchecked.)
The third part to my emotional pregnancy had had to do with body image. My birth mom struggled with body image and my dad never wanted to look weak. (Reason why I stay bottled up.) I have spent most of this pregnancy focused on how I look. I haven’t been OK with it and the fact that every person tells you to “enjoy it” makes me so angry.
I won’t even take a single photo or be in a photo. It’s hard enough going through all the hormone changes, but to be so scared of a stretch mark, to not be who you are, to hate the process of creating this amazing human is a mental and emotional struggle all its own.
I know I am pretty (not to sound conceited), but this is when I want to call my mom and dad. My mom can talk to me about her struggle. My dad can tell me how pretty I am and how much I should enjoy this beautiful moment.
This is why I organize.
This is why I make my home beautiful for me. I love crafting and art so my son’s room will be the best room in my home.
I find beauty in making things – paintings, design, planning and my son.
My husband and I made him and if I could go back I would never take him back. Even though a year ago I had a different plan I still love where my life has gone and is going.
It’s been hard, but I love being lost, planning, organizing, being pregnant, my husband, and the beautiful chaos that comes with my new role of military wife.
My name is Hannah. I am a young military wife and mom trying to “adult.” I have had my fair share of good days, bad days, triumphs, and complete screw-ups, but that is what learning is all about! I love crafting, writing, Netflix, and trying new things. My husband has been an amazing support in my struggle going to school, discovering myself, creating and molding my hobbies and passions, and settling into my new life as a military wife! You can connect with me on Instagram and Twitter.