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10 Creative Ideas For Dating Your Spouse During Your PCS

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by Heather Walsh, Guest Contributor

10 Creative Ideas For Dating Your Spouse During Your PCS

Aside from family separations, PCS is a stressful time. The silver lining of this time is your family is all together (hopefully)! Take advantage of this sweet time and reconnect with your spouse. How? Yes, you have to call DMO, arrange for car pick up, and make sure that the trash in the trash can and the cats aren’t packed into a box.

But after the boxes are packed, the crates are gone and all you have left to do is the actual moving of your bodies to the new location, you can have some fun! Here are 10 of the many ways to date your spouse during your PCS.

10 Creative Ideas For Dating Your Spouse During Your PCS

Leave love notes. Write a note about why you love your spouse or what you are looking forward to doing together. If you are driving to your new destination, tape it to the steering wheel. If you are flying, leave it in their suitcase or wallet.

It will instantly make the mood more pleasant the next day while you struggle with suitcases and the kids by reminding them how important they are to you especially now.

Plan a movie night in wherever you are. If you will be moving CONUS, utilize Redbox or Netflix. If you are moving OCONUS, buy a digital movie before you go for your laptop, tablet or phone. Somewhere along the PCS route, choose a night when you will watch the movie together. This down time will be an enjoyable break from planning logistics of the trip. Plus, the kiddos should be asleep so theoretically you can watch a movie of your choice.

Question and answer. If you are driving cross country or waiting in an airport, you have some down time. A quick Google search produced several links of popular questions to ask your boyfriend/spouse/significant other.

If you will be traveling in areas without wifi, copy and paste the questions into a note tab that is readily available no matter your service capabilities. Why not use these questions to get to know more about your spouse?

Schedule a 30-minute break. Choose a time when you will most likely be uninterrupted. Set a timer for 30 minutes and just talk.

The rules are no PCS talk, no phones even for reference, and no talking about your kids.

You can talk about your goals for your new location but try to keep the talk to about the two of you. Remember what you used to talk about when you were dating?

Enjoy a late-night snack. While this isn’t the healthiest thing for your body, it can be stress-reducing for your relationship – just try to make it a less unhealthy snack.

One of our favorite things to do when moving is to sample some of the local food. Where it is onigiri in Japan, fish tacos in Southern California or southern barbecue in North Carolina, there are amazing treats to try all over this world. When grabbing food to eat for the evening, pick up a snack for you and your spouse to share once you have stopped for the evening and/or the little ones are down for the night.

10 Creative Ideas For Dating Your Spouse During Your PCS

Borrow an audiobook! The last thing you want to do when you are moving is add another thing you have to keep track of – and technology has helped with this in many ways. One way is the ability to borrow audiobooks from our local libraries digitally.

Before you leave on your road trip, look at the digital audiobook options at your local library, or a service e-library Choose one that you and your spouse would enjoy to listen to together.

The beauty of these digital books is that they return automatically at the due date, and therefore if the library you frequented is now on the opposite coast, you don’t have to worry about postage in mailing a book after you have moved!

Share headphones and listen to it together on the airplane, or listen in the car while the kids nap or watch a movie. Or if you need to, wait until the little ones are in bed and listen together. Stop and talk about it. This gets your head out of the PCS planning funk, able to relax with your spouse and enjoy learning about a new topic.

You can also download episodes of NextGen MilSpouse’s Happy Hour podcast. We even have a special episode all about PCSing. Click here to download it.

Have a coloring contest. If you have kids, chances are you have crayons or markers that are coming with you while you travel. While the kiddos are asleep, borrow the coloring tools, take a sheet from the coloring book and go to town coloring.

Maybe limit the number of colors you use to three, or come up with a theme – that you have to turn the fairy coloring sheet into a Marvel character…have fun! You will be using the creative side of your brain and having non-PCS related fun with your spouse!

Studies have shown that coloring can decrease physical and emotional signs of stress…and what a better time to pick up coloring book than during a PCS!

Challenge your spouse to a staring contest. No, but really. This is the perfect game for a PCS. Requires no equipment. And how can you stare without blinking or laughing, go ahead, I dare you! (But I think it goes without saying to not do this while you are driving.)

Romantic chat in an empty house. One of the things I pack in our “open first” boxes that I bring with us is candles. While technically the candies are for power outages, they also double as mood lighting!

The first night in your new-to-you empty home, lay out a blanket or beach towel on the floor and light a candle. Sit and chat with your spouse. Celebrate surviving another PCS and talk. About anything.

This sweet time will help the two of you connect and be ready for the unpacking days ahead. Appreciate how clean (or not) the house is before all of your belongings arrive.

Build a box fort. Before we had kids, my husband made furniture out of boxes for us to use while awaiting the next step in the move process. It was practical and fun.

We now make box forts for the kids or make a box into a slide for sliding downstairs. But why not do something like this for you and your spouse once the kids are asleep?

If you are competitive, make it a competition to be creative. If not, use teamwork to build something together.

If a box fort isn’t your thing, try making as many pieces of furniture as you can with the boxes. Either way, it will end up in the recycling but it will be a lot of fun to create and “play” in as adults!

BONUS: Hold hands. This may sound silly, but in times of stress it isn’t everyone’s natural inclination to reach out and hold hands with the person you love. Reach across the seat and hold their hand – chances are it will lower their stress level as well as yours.

Want more tips for your upcoming PCS? Sign up for our weekly newsletter. We’ll deliver lots of smart tips and occasional hilarious PCS stories right to your inbox. 

Heather Walsh is a mom, Marine wife, Navy child, blogger and lover of all things crafty and Disney.Heather Walsh is a mom, Marine wife, Navy child, blogger and lover of all things crafty and Disney. Professionally, she is a Physician Assistant and has a passion for helping others to stay positive and supported. Currently she is one of three women who share travel tips for the military family at www.milmomadventures.wordpress.com They are currently sharing exploration of Southern California and Virginia with tips for the military family on how to enjoy the adventure with every PCS and save money while doing it!

How to Avoid Becoming a Military Divorce Statistic

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by Eric Gardner, Guest Contributor

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How do we build a solid marital foundation to avoid becoming a statistic of divorce in the military?

Here’s what I’ve learned after many years as a military spouse. Studies show divorce within the ranks has fallen slightly in recent years, yet it has touched many of us personally or we know someone who has weathered that storm.

As marriage retreats, counseling and support programs attempt to provide an outlet for married couples to strengthen their foundation to survive the endless list of problems which can arise while on active duty, the responsibility rests on the couple to make it through life’s challenges. These programs, as terrific as they are, can only build upon the foundation the couple has.

My wife and I have been married for 17 years and we have heard that communication is the secret to marital bliss. Whenever that magical word would come up she would giggle and whisper that this seemingly simplistic concept would require me to do whatever she said. We both still get a chuckle out of that notion when it’s brought up because communication is far more profound and complicated than that.

There are books and workshops that can help military couples along the way. Whether you look in to “The 4 Seasons of Marriage” or “The 5 Love Languages” both by Gary Chapman, “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley Jr., or any of the countless literary sources out there, one core tenant resonates across the texts — couples need to engage with one another about everything.

How to Avoid Becoming a Military Divorce Statistic

As a married couple you are trying to constantly find common ground for 2 completely unique people. You both have hopes and dreams for your future together, so talk about them, look ahead together and nurture your partnership daily.

Communication strengthens trust.

Long hours, longer and more frequent deployments, and an unpredictable work environment tests the faith we have in one another.

The only way that bond can stay strong is discussing your life decisions together. Both spouses and service members need to share in the ups and downs.

Let’s be honest, the world is a busy place and we as spouses sometimes see the world differently than our service members. However when “they” say it’s time to change jobs, deploy or PCS always remember to keep your faith in one another. Understand that these stressful events are beyond your control and use that acceptance to bring you closer together as a couple.

The most important aspect of not becoming a statistic of divorce in this crazy military lifestyle is work. My wife and I have gone through our fair share of difficulties and have welcomed the opportunity to attend marriage retreats. Marriage retreats are terrific and can help inspire you to really look into your relationship.

During one of the workshops the leader of the session made a statement that rang true to me. The notion of “falling in love” is usually the beginning of how couples meet. That euphoric feeling where everything is perfect in the world.

Well I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but if you don’t work at your marriage that feeling of blissful intoxication won’t last.

To fall in love is easy.

To stay in that level of love is a challenge.

We all change over time so finding and maintaining that connection as a couple is key. As you think back to how your adventure as a team started, remember how much effort you were willing to put forth when you were dating. That level of energy should always be there.

None of us ever want to stop showing our loved ones how much they mean to us, we just have to remember where our priorities are when life begins to pick up speed.

Always try to take a moment, and be spontaneous to remind not only yourself but your spouse how much they mean to you. These moments don’t have to be extravagant. It could be a lunch date or a quiet walk around a park. The key element is it’s just the two of you, just like it was in the beginning.

Marriage is wonderful, rewarding work, 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Some days are easier than others, but if you want to out last the storm of life you will need to roll up your proverbial sleeve and get your hands dirty.

Want to read more about Eric’s journey as a military spouse? Click here to read his piece, I Never Considered Myself An Oddity As A Male Spouse. 

Eric Gardner was raised in a military family and lived around the world. Following in his father’s footsteps, he joined the U.S. Army as an Infantry Officer. Since the end of his wartime service he has shifted gears and is now a stay-at-home father. In his role as an active duty Army spouse, he has become an author. As the creator of the XIII Legion Series he has enjoyed great success, and enjoys meeting other entrepreneurial spouses as well as fellow authors . You can see more from Eric Gardner at his Facebook page: www.facebook.com/thirteenthlegion.series, and http://www.facebook.com/XIIILGN or follow him via Twitter @13thLegion.

8 Ways To Invest (Emotionally) In Your Military Marriage

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Marriage is one of the most powerful foundations of the U.S. Armed Forces. While service members answer duty’s call, military spouses work to support their partners and families on the homefront.

We work together to create strong and resilient communities and family units. The strength of the military is inextricably linked to the overall mental, physical and emotional well-being of the service members and their families.

With the everyday push and pull of the world, we can look up and find that in the sea of commitments and obligations we’ve lost sight of the main thing: our commitments to one another in our marriages.

Consciously taking time to pour into ourselves and our marriages can fortify our unions during times of peacefulness and tumult alike. Emotional time, effort and investments are essential to creating healthy and lasting military marriages.

8 Ways To Invest (Emotionally) In Your Military Marriage

Source: CreateHERstock.com

Here are 8 ways to emotionally invest in your military marriage.

Be playful together.

All work and no play make marriages a dull chore. Who said the fun had to end when you jumped over the broom? No one!

It’s OK to prank your spouse (within their comfort zone), beat them in a table flipping game of UNO or challenge each other to a race on your kids’ scooters. The point is you both deserve to let loose and experience joy together. Conscientiously seek opportunities for play.

Be passionate.

Nothing makes a long ruck march more manageable than a rousing call and response. Passion begets passion.

If you’ve found that you aren’t connecting with your spouse, consider delving into one of your forgotten loves or passions. The excitement of an interesting job, task or hobby can be contagious.

Let passion infect your marriage.

Be affectionate daily.

Whether you’re down for a “50 Shades of Grey” evening or cuddling with fuzzy socks, we all need physical contact. It’s something we remember all too well during TDYs and deployments. But investing in the physical touch daily can garner closeness and rekindle the flame. Hug, kiss or snuggle with your baby today.

Be grateful.

Gratitude has a way of shifting perspectives. Practicing gratitude as a couple is a surefire method of keeping a positive and emotionally connected home.

Are you happy the dog has stopped its summer shedding? Or that the unit’s chili cook-off was actually delicious? Seek out the good stuff as partners.

Be gracious.

We all need the benefit of the doubt at one point or another. Extending grace to your partner allows you to see them as a human who is doing their best with the tools they have.

Graciousness lets you place smelly boots in the passenger seat of his car as a joke instead of seeing red that you’ve temporarily lost your sense of smell from the horror that is reeking boots in your bedroom.

Be mindful.

What are your values? Where do you see yourself and your spouse in the future? Revisiting your core values and mission as a family can help facilitate a deeper emotional connection.

We know we have a common goal. And although circumstances and environments may change we can also return to the essence of our union. Rediscover your shared vision and dreams within your military marriage.

Be transparent.

There are times when we are running on empty, when things have got to give. It’s OK to be clear and transparent about our needs, desires and weakness. No living breathing, flawed human can ever be Bionic Woman or Captain America. Let’s stop aspiring to unrealistic goals and instead be the best version of ourselves at any given moment in our lives. Let your partner know when you need a hand.

Be fair.

They say that all is fair in love and war, but I beg to differ. There is such a thing as “below the belt” and that is a place none of us should ever endeavor to go in love.

Military marriages have so many sacrifices and compromises, but we should always fight fair.

Words last forever. In order to remain emotionally invested, each partner has to feel safe to be vulnerable. Regardless of slights or differing points of view we can work to ensure our marriages are always safe places to land.

There is no magic wand to greater intimacy and long-lasting ardor, but committing to emotionally invest in your military marriage is definitely a strong step in the right direction.

What are your tips for investing in your military marriage?

How to Have the Perfect Military Marriage

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Spoiler alert: you can’t.

But keep reading. We are going to give you one thing you can perfect.

Spoiler Alert: You Can't Have a Perfect Military Marriage

As a military spouse, you can do everything right.

You can wave the flag at the deployment send-off.

You can rock those heels or bow tie at homecoming.

You can send care packages and pictures and love letters and inspirational quotes.

You can do all the laundry and make the best meals and have the greatest job and be the most amazing parent.

You can do it all!

You two can have the greatest adventures and the most incredible history. You can laugh your asses off together, you can grow stronger through grieving together, you can watch Netflix and chill together and you can truly be soulmates.

But perfect? You can’t have a perfect marriage, my friend. Perfect doesn’t exist.

So cut yourself some slack.

Don’t let social media convince you that everyone else has the perfect marriage. I promise, they don’t.

That couple beaming in the photo at the military ball very well might be truly happy. But I guarantee you they’ve fought over putting clothes on top of the hamper instead of in it.

Those two on vacation? Always jet-setting across the world for the most amazing photo ops? Yeah, I promise they argued over something as important as whose responsibility it was to replace the toilet paper on the holder.

I’m not proud of it, but one of the biggest fights early on in our marriage was over how I liked my eggs. My husband, trying to be sweet, ordered my breakfast for me at a fancy brunch spot. I asked for the eggs scrambled on the sweet little benedicts and he insisted I wanted them sunny-side up. They should have renamed the dish the Benedict Arnold. I lost my mind when those goopy eggs came out and ran all over my plate and ruined everything.

I still maintain it was indicative of some larger respect thing, but um, really, it wasn’t. I was just hangry.

We have a good laugh about it (and turns out that’s how I prefer my eggs now, 10 years later) but the point is, couples fight. They disagree.

They love so much and so fiercely and so hard that it becomes a relationship worth fighting for, and sometimes, fighting each other for. Finances, jobs, duty stations and even eggs, can be contentious.

My military marriage isn’t perfect because military life isn’t. This lifestyle isn’t relaxed or predictable or calm. It’s not quiet nights in a quaint town with every expectation for tomorrow.

No, sweet friend. It’s messy.

It’s 3 a.m. wake-ups and last minute TDYs and bringing new babies into the world via Skype.

It’s goodbyes and hellos, and hopes the latter outnumber the former.

It’s changing plans and canceling vacations and one more holiday away from home.

It’s really freaking hard…which means military marriages take just that much more work. Our marriages take more trust and more strength. They take more patience and more grace and more forgiveness and more flexibility and more everything.

And most importantly? They take more courage.

We send our spouses off to work with no guarantee they’ll return. Sure, no one’s day is guaranteed, but there’s something about training and war and deployments and battle that heightens that awareness, doesn’t it?

So instead of focusing on the perfect marriage, focus on the perfect goodbye.

Commit to kissing your spouse in the morning. Make a pact not to end a conversation or a phone call without an “I love you.” Sign your emails with some x’s and o’s and spiff up your texts with some heart emojis. Promise each other you’ll do your best not to go to sleep angry.

We can’t have the perfect marriage – no one can – but we can sure keep trying.

52 Goals Week 43: Have Sex Every Night for a Week

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Have you ever marveled at the characters on television and in film that seem to juggle children, careers and responsibilities while still maintaining a tantalizing and robust sex life? What are the secrets to long-term monogamy and the ability to still have plenty of SEXY sex?

What if the answer to “How can we have more sex?” is simply to have more sex?

At times military life can be all consuming, but that doesn’t take away our very real needs for intimacy, romance and physical contact. Yes, there are FRG meetings, promotion ceremonies, and company coffees….but at the end of the day it’s our partnerships that make everything we do worthwhile.

And sometimes those times need to be penciled in to your schedule.

Week 43 Challenge: Have sex every night for a week

Challenge Details: Talk with your partner about how you are going to have sex every day for a week. With demanding schedules, staff duty assignments and field training exercises scheduling 7 straight days of lovemaking may take some finessing. But take heart (and possibly some lubricant), this can be done!

Looking ahead and discussing any possible concerns or obstacles will make your goal more achievable and desirable.

Your Deadline: October 31

52 Goals Week 43: Have Sex Every Night for a Week

Concerned this challenge may be too….cough cough…hard? Here are 4 tips to push you toward success.

Build anticipation by chatting with each other several times this week about what you are thinking about and anything you’d like to try. Talking like you did during courtship will help to stoke the flames.

Snap a cute selfie and send it to your love. Add a sweet or alluring message to remind them of what’s to come.

Set the mood by curating a playlist to get you where you want to go. President Obama’s Summer Playlist: Nighttime is surprisingly pitch perfect for this challenge.

Relax and enjoy the ride. Remove the pressure and allow yourself to simply enjoy your partner. Whether or not you are able to reach your goal every day, you’ll notice a definite difference in the way you and your partner interact this week. An unintended side affect of anticipating sex is gratuitous kindness and care. WIN!

May ALL the Forces be with you (wink wink)!

The Smart Military Spouse’s Guide to Fighting Fair with Your Spouse

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If you haven’t ever felt a murderous rage bubble up in your veins as

…you discover your spouse’s breakfast spoon cemented to its cereal  bowl for the fiftieth time,

…cursed to the high heavens after face planting (again) after tripping over those giant ass combat boots,

…your spouse tells you whatever is bothering you is “no big deal” and to “stop blowing things out of proportion,”

or all of the above…

I’d like to congratulate you on your recent marriage!

The Smart Military Spouse's Guide to Fighting Fair with Your Spouse

For the rest of you, welcome to marital fight club. I bet you’re wondering what’s the first rule of marital fight club? I’m glad you asked.

The first rule of marital fight club is to fight fair.

Learning how to argue in a relationship is HARD. As a matter of fact it is the hardest skill I’ve ever had to learn as an adult and it took my spouse and I years to master it as a couple.

Fighting isn’t really something most couples ever want to talk about when it comes to their relationship. We always want to appear happy and lovey and like we’ve got it all together. Even when we aren’t and we don’t.

You know what? Everybody fights. Everybody. Every. Single. Couple. Fights.

Your super perfect neighbor couple who jogs while holding hands? They fight.

Your parents who’ve been married for decades? They fight.

Your best friend and her spouse? They fight.

I do want to clarify that as you mature in your relationship the goal isn’t never fight again. It’s to transform yourselves from enemy combatants on the battlefield into passionate teammates working toward a single vision: a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Deep, right?

How do you go from fighting against each other to fighting with each other? Check out our Smart Military Spouse’s Guide to fighting fair with your spouse.

The Smart Military Spouse’s Guide to Fighting Fair

Take a moment to calm yourself.

There are little things in life that set me off like a volcano. And I’m an extrovert. And impatient. Which means I can go from level, sane, and pleasant to “I need an old priest and a young priest” in 2 seconds flat. I’ve had to teach myself to breathe. Literally breathe.

Taking a few moments to breathe and calm yourself stops you from entering a fight in a blind rage. I’ve also learned that blind rage takes me from right to dead wrong, even when I’m justified in my anger. Go figure.

Figure out what’s really bothering you.

Once you’ve calmed yourself down, ask yourself this: “What is REALLY bothering me?” Chances are, if your trigger was finding dirty dishes in the sink, it’s not really about the dirty dishes. It probably has something to do with you feeling slighted in someway.

It’s your job to figure out what is really bothering you so you can clearly express yourself when you sit down (calmly) to address this with your spouse..

Accept the fact that ambush tactics have a tendency to backfire.

I’m muller. Earlier in our marriage, if something my spouse did or said annoyed me at 8 a.m. I’d mull on it throughout the day. I’d become more agitated and as soon as he’d open the door, I’d attack.

Yeah, that doesn’t’ have a great outcome. Ever. It immediately puts your spouse on the defensive and nothing productive will come from that. Remember, the goal is to be on the same team.

Have an end game in mind.

Once you’ve figured out what is bothering, have a concrete idea of what you want to come out of the confrontation. I doubt you’re fighting just to vent or just to score that sweet, sweet makeup sex.

I’m notorious for not having an answer to my spouse’s query, “So what do you want from me?”

If you want your spouse to be more considerate by not leaving dishes in the sink, say that.

If you want your spouse to drop you a call in the late afternoon to give you a better idea of what time she’s coming home, say that.

Be concrete.

Don’t bring up every single way your spouse has wronged you since the beginning of time.

This is DIRTY DOG. DIRTY. Once an argument has happened and been resolved it’s in the past. Even if it is relevant. Believe me, I’m saying this for my benefit and yours. I still have to stop myself from going down this road.

I know how tempting it is to bring up the other 49 times he left the bowl in the sink. Stick to the issue you are currently discussing and that issue only.

Stop escalation in its tracks.

We’ve all had that little argument that blew up into World War 3. Stopping escalation before it happens isn’t always easy. It take a bit of self awareness and being present. Pay attention to your body language, volume, and increase in snark and sarcasm.

If you notice that things are getting out of hand, call it out. Acknowledge it and consciously walk things back to calm.

Don’t say the D word. Don’t do it.

One of the most damaging things you can do is throw or threaten divorce.

Here’s a little truth and transparency for you. Early in the game I treated it like my ace. It was not. It was cruel and malicious. To this day, I am grateful that my spouse never called my bluff.

It damages trust and security in a relationship. It is like dropping a bomb…once the damage is done, rebuilding takes a lot of time and energy.

Remember, you’re a team and you’re in this for the long haul.

You’re not going to agree on everything and that is OK! Your team relies on compromise and mutual respect. Even when you fight.

What are your best tips for fighting fair with your spouse? Share them with us in the comments!

52 Goals Week 39: Have a Marriage Performance Review (Free Printable!)

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The third member of our marriage – the Army – adds some unique challenges to my marriage.

Although, yes, I sort of knew what I was getting myself into when I married my soldier (because I was a military child), nobody really knows what curve balls military life is going to throw at you.

Separation is a part of military life, but we don’t get a timeline when we tie the knot.

Moving is part of military life, but we don’t get to pick the duty station.

Community is part of military life, but we may find it challenging to find a new best friend at every post.

The constant transitions and challenges of military life can take a toll on both the military spouse and the service member. The stress may put a strain on your relationship.

That’s why it’s important to sit down with your spouse to have a conversation about your marriage. It’s a sort of annual performance review, like you have at your job with your supervisor, and marriage experts say annual marriage performance reviews could save your marriage.

52 Goals Week 39: Have a Marriage Performance Review

Week 39 Challenge: Have a marriage performance review

Challenge Details: Schedule a time to sit down with your spouse to have a marriage performance review. This review is simply a way to check in with your spouse. It’s an opportunity to share your feelings and frustrations about your marriage in an open and honest way. You can also use this time to set goals as a couple.

Your Deadline: October 3. But, if your service member is away, I’ll give you some leeway, just get it done ASAP!

Bonus Points if you post a photo of you and your spouse having your marriage performance review on Instagram or Twitter.

Here are the 3 steps for your marriage performance review.

Review Your Marriage Separately

No matter where you are in your relationship, a marriage performance review can be beneficial. Start by downloading and printing 2 copies of NextGen MilSpouse’s Relationship Performance Review. Give one to your significant other.

In a marriage performance review, you evaluate your spouse’s performance on a 5-point scale from strongly disagree to strongly agree. There are 5 categories, including parenting, to review. If you don’t have kids, just skip that one.

Reflect on these statements and your responses before meeting with your spouse.

Time to Get Real. Share Your Thoughts and Feelings

You and your spouse won’t know what’s been working or not working in your marriage without a marriage performance review. Spend this time together talking about your answers to the marriage performance review. Celebrate what is working in your marriage. Then discuss ways that you can work together to make improvements in the next year.

Keep an Open Mind

After sharing your feelings about yourself, your spouse and your marriage, it’s time to move forward and incorporate what you learned in your marriage performance review to strengthen your marriage.

The point of the marriage performance review is to make sure you both know what each other is thinking and feeling. You’ve already made it here, so I’m sure there is much more to look forward to, even with the military casting shadows of doubt and uneasiness every now and then.

Is an annual marriage performance review part of your successful military marriage road map?

52 Goals Week 35: Make a Lunch Date with Your Sweetheart

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My husband and I faced a cold reality during a recent FOCUS session. I was discussing (aka complaining) about how I felt a lack of intimacy in our relationship. I wasn’t feeling connected with my partner. I felt myself pulling away from him emotionally.

Then our FOCUS counselor asked this seemingly innocent question:

When was the last time you two went on a date?

We both stared at each other while in our heads trying to review the last 6 months of appointments, mandatory social events and children’s activities.

“December,” I finally answered.

We were now in June.

Seven months. Seven months had passed since our last date night.

Ouch. This realization led to 2 thoughts in my head. First, if it takes me more than 2 minutes to remember when was the last time we had a date night, it’s been too long. Second, our evenings are over-scheduled.

We needed a date night desperately. But our babysitter was on summer vacation at her grandparents’ farm and we are trying to save for a family vacation to DisneyWorld in the spring.

Enter the Lunch Date.

Week 35 Make a Lunch Date with your Spouse

Week 35 Challenge: Make a Lunch Date with Your Significant Other

Challenge Details: Review your schedule with your sweetheart and find a day where you can have a lunch date. You can meet at a new restaurant that you want to try or you can order take-out and eat at home together. The location and food doesn’t matter. This time together does.

Your Deadline: September 5

Bonus points if you post a photo of your lunch date on Instagram. Don’t forget to use #make2016yourbitch so we can award you a gold star.

Don’t think you have time for a lunch date? Worried about the cost of eating out with your spouse during lunch? Here are 4 ideas for romantic and relaxing lunch dates with your spouse.

Pack a picnic lunch. You don’t have to go to a restaurant for your lunch date. Pack a lunch and eat together at a picnic table near his workspace. Be wary of hungry looking single service members. They will be tempted to join you and talk shop to your favorite soldier the entire hour. Wave them away like flies. This lunch date is exclusively for you and your spouse.

Eat at home. You can coordinate your schedules and meet at home at 11:30 a.m. Plan to reheat leftovers or eat a quick salad and sandwich together.

If you have small children at home with you, schedule your lunch date during your kid’s naptime. You and your spouse can share dessert while the little ones are sleeping upstairs. Better yet, you can use drop-in care at your military installation’s child development center or a local church’s Mothers Morning Out so that you can spend your lunch date eating with your spouse instead of cleaning up spilled milk.

Meet at your favorite coffee place. Instead of soup and salad, go out for a latte and scone. This lunch date may be the midday pick-up you both need to get through an afternoon of stressful meetings and boring safety briefs.

Whatever you decide to do on your lunch date, remember that lunch dates are more affordable than dinner dates. If you decide to go out for lunch, pick a restaurant with a military discount to save a few more dollars.

Do you and your spouse have a regular lunch date? How often do you schedule these lunch dates?

Don’t Say ‘I Do’ to Outdated Military Marriage Advice

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by Jo, Guest Contributor

I have a confession: I hate (the vast majority of) marriage advice. Hate it. I’ve only been married for a year and a few months and in that time, I’ve come across a lot of bad, contradictory marriage advice. If you’ve been married longer than me, you’ve probably come across even more bad marriage advice for military couples.

What should we do with all this terrible marriage advice? Get out a hammer as we smash these terrible ideas for the last time.

On second thought, get a brownie and a glass of milk and snack while you read. It’s much more satisfying than a hammer.

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4 Rules for Military Marriages Worth Breaking

BREAK THIS MARRIAGE RULE: Don’t Let Him Forget You’re a Woman

If my husband forgets I’m a woman, we have bigger issues to worry about—like Alzheimer’s at age 30. But really, the point of this kind of advice is to keep gender roles intact in your marriage. Let’s bypass the controversy and the drama that I know is probably brewing and say what makes sense: who cares about gender roles when it comes to getting stuff done?

The military lifestyle is crazy. Our spouses may work weird hours, have random training schedules, go on deployments…the list goes on and on. And it doesn’t take into account what we need to do to keep our families afloat—which often includes keeping our careers buoyant too. So really, who cares if he makes dinner and she changes the flat tire? If she’s better at the finances and he’s better at quieting a fussy baby? If he paints her toenails because she can’t reach them over her pregnant belly? At the end of the day, what matters is that the household is functioning—not a smoking crater of frustration and chaos.

BREAK THIS MARRIAGE RULE: Always Greet Your Service Member with a Smile

While I’d love it if every day could be fantastic and wonderful, there are some days that are hot messes—when the only good thing about those days is that my husband walked through the front door.

Do I greet him with a hug and a kiss? Yes. Do I greet him with a smile? Not always. And he doesn’t always have a cheery grin for me, either. It’s part of the grand adventure—and equality—of being partners who hide nothing and share everything. Even on our crappy, can’t-muster-a-smile, no-good, very bad days.

BREAK THIS MARRIAGE RULE: Make Sure the Water Pitcher’s Filled

This amazingly terrible piece of advice was in a book I read for military spouses before I was one. It is one of the most ridiculous analogies I’ve ever read and is a downright dangerous way to think about marriage. The basic premise is this: Wives have pitchers full of water. Husbands have empty cups. Wives need to pour their husbands’ water so they won’t become thirsty and… go to another woman’s pitcher for a cool glass of “water.”

No, just no.

Not only does this advice put all of the emphasis and blame on the wife for any marital issues, it ignores the fact that men are strong enough and civilized enough to control themselves. This suggestion is at best, an unhealthy way to conduct a relationship, and at worst, justifies marital rape.

BREAK THIS MARRIAGE RULE: Keep the Home Fires Burning

This particular advice feels old fashioned and it should have gone the way of telegrams and telephone operators. Still, I think this is something that we internalize a great deal as military spouses—even if we’d never admit it.

In fact, someone recently emailed me, asking for advice about this exact thing. She is working 2 full-time jobs, sending care packages and trying to hold everything together while he’s deployed. When they have time to talk, they have little to talk about because they’re both working so much—life is stressful and feels repetitive. Still, her husband told her that she needs to engage him—to be more exciting— because he’s the one who’s deployed. She was worried that he no longer thinks that she is enough to come home for.

Talk about unfair expectations. Both people in a relationship have the responsibility to keep the home fires kindled. Just as it is with a relationship, during a deployment, both people have to make an effort—even if it’s not an equal one because of circumstances. Set expectations, know what you each need to feel loved and respected and be honest with each other. Is it tough? Is there give and take? Can it be done? And, is it worth it? Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

When it comes down to it, marriage advice is only good if it fits your relationship and your circumstances. You’ve heard my complaints about bad marriage advice.

Now I’ve got to ask—what are the worst marriage tips you’ve heard? (And what are the ones that are so good you must pass on to others?) Share in the comments.

 

JoMyGosh head shotJo is the author of Jo, My Gosh! a blog about her journey as a newlywed military wife. When she’s not working from home, she’s writing, reading, trying new recipes, watching sports or cross stitching. Catch her on Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook.

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