6 Steps To Accepting Your New Norm As A Working Mom

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by Jen Roett, Guest Contributor

With T-minus three weeks until d-day (my due date), my husband, our 140-pound dog, two cars and a pocket full of dreams PCSed 1 million* miles across the country. The good news – I didn’t deliver on the side of the road like many friends and family predicted.

The better news…PCS leave! My hubs and I were fortunate enough to log quality hours together snuggling our new baby before we both headed back to work.

But that meant, the day I went back to work, our daughter started full-time daycare, and my husband went TDY for several weeks. Now, as a modern day military spouse, I’m luckier than most.

  1. My husband was there for the birth
  2. He didn’t deploy the second she was born.

For that, Army powers, I am forever grateful.

This combination of circumstances meant that I was adjusting to being a working mom at the same time I was navigating a new home with Murphy’s Law meddling in the background. My new, adult life hit me hard and all at once. It was ugly, it was sleepless and I’m not even close to having it all under control.

As I reflect on the whiplash of the last few months, I’ve realized this is just another transition to work through, something I’m prepared for thanks to the military life! Frankly, the toughest part was working through the process of finding and accepting my new norm.

6 Steps To Accepting Your New Norm As A Working Mom

6 Steps To Accepting Your New Norm As A Working Mother

Step 1. Admit Things Have Changed

This one is tough. The hallmark of a military spouse is being able to reinvent themselves from one stage of life to the next. But that doesn’t mean we don’t mourn the passing of those stages.

For me, I went from being a single, young professional living in the city to a married Army spouse living in Clarksville, Tenn. When my cowboy boots hit the ground on a cold December day in Tennessee, I thought that previous version of myself was gone forever!

But little did I realize that you can still wear cowboy boots in Tennessee, I was days away from landing a new job, and it was there that I’d make some of best friends of my life.

Was the tiny Army town the same as uptown Dallas? Absolutely not! But that small town had a lot of good to offer once I accepted my new surroundings with an open mind.

Step 2. Find Your Sanity

Take care of yourself first. Find time, however short, for things that rejuvenate you.

My last job at our previous duty station came with an hour commute. I found sanity by obsessively listening to podcasts (I’m looking at your NGMS Happy Hour) and not to mention I was fully up to speed on current events.

Two jobs ago, I worked out every day and never left home without a Fitbit.

This duty station, comes with a TON of traffic and our new baby, so any free time is typically spent singing the ABC’s in my Mom ride. How did I adapt? I started running again. I have my groceries delivered. I recognize that the CrossFit version of me from last duty station is on hold and the “I casually run with a stroller when the weather is moderate” version of me has arrived.

The “I casually run with a stroller when the weather is moderate” version of me has arrived.

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Step 3. Outsource What You Don’t Have Time For

I once put my best foot forward at a Change of Command ceremony with (awesome) store bought cookies, when the Commander complimented said cookies and asked if I made them. I kindly responded with a thank you, but I outsource my baking.

6 Steps To Accepting Your New Norm As A Working Mom

We all have more than enough on our plates, so prioritize your commitments and outsource – without guilt or judgement! Maybe you were a lean mean baking machine before you started your new job and now you are lucky to make brownies from a box; no judgement!

Prioritize your commitments and outsource – without guilt or judgement!

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Be picky about where you spend your energy.

Step 4. Talk To Your Network

Family, friends, colleagues whoever makes up your circle of trust…talk, open up and you’ll be surprised what you can learn! In my current job, I’ve been blessed with an amazing leader. She’s the type of person that I can call and say “Hey, I just sprayed gasoline on my face at the gas pump…I’m going to need the day off” and she’ll respond by FedExing a box of ice cream (true story).

Even more so, military spouse friendships are special. When you are 5.5 months into a 9-month deployment, these are the people who know, not from books or TV shows, but through muscle memory what you are going through. These are the friends that can prop you up and remind you when (all) the things happen on a deployment/TDY/week at the field. This too shall pass and you’ll be ready to rock when it does!

Step 5. Get Into A Routine

According to my high school cheering coach, it takes three weeks to get into a routine. Once you have a routine, your behavior is more predictable!

Once I get into a groove, it’s easy to know how and when I’ll get everything accomplished! If you don’t believe my cheering coach (and you should), watch this speech from Naval Adm. William H. McRaven where he describes how the habit of making your bed each day can change the world.

Step 6. Enjoy It…Things Will Change Again Soon!

The only thing that is constant in this crazy life is change! Be proud of what you’ve accomplished and brace yourself because the next transition is right around the corner!

Jen is a HR Business Partner at General Electric Aviation, Mother, Army spouse, and self-proclaimed Gypsy. She enjoys traveling, exploring and pretending to be the next Iron Chef. Wherever she lays her hat is her home… but she’s actually from West Virginia. Let’s GOO Mountaineers! 

“With 15 Years Of Experience And A Great Resume, I Didn’t Think I Would Need Military Spouse Preference But Within A Month Of Signing Up, I Had Two Offers; One As A GS-12 And One As A GS-13.”

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NextGen MilSpouse is going beyond traditional career tips and tricks for military spouses! We are sharing the real stories of working military spouses (just like you!) and their professional success stories on Wednesdays.

Military spouse Elizabeth Peace is a Public Affairs Specialist for the Department of the Army.

Name: Elizabeth Peace

Years as a military spouse:

5

Tell us your profession:

Public Affairs Specialist for DoD (Department of the Army, GS-12) and Mrs. Ft. Meade competed for Mrs. Maryland in May on my platform Operation Innocence: Creating safe homes for children

Is this full-time, part-time, hourly, contract or freelance work?

Full time

How long have you been working in this career field?

15 years as a journalist, 3 in public affairs, 6 as an advocate

Do you work in an office, telecommute from home (or Starbucks), or a little bit of both?

Office and a lot of TDYs

Tell us one thing you love about your job.

Getting to do my intended career. Having to leave journalism I felt nearly destroyed me.

Getting to work in media and communication has made me feel whole again.

How did you get this position? Was it a resume, referral, job fair? Spill your magic.

Facebook groups!

I left journalism two years ago and got a job in Congress in D.C. I knew that wasn’t a great solution for me and tried for two years to find another job. I nearly gave up until another milspouse in a milspouse career group told me about CPAC and military preference.

With 15 years of experience and a great resume, I didn’t think I would need military spouse preference but within a month of signing up, I had two offers; one as a GS-12 and one as a GS-13.

I took the GS-12 because it was offered first and I’m glad I did. The 13 would’ve been a commute to the Pentagon and to be honest, would have been more up my lane job-wise, but I never realized how much I would LOVE the job the Army offered. I’m incredibly happy here.

Another Facebook group, Veterans 2 Federal Government Jobs, taught me how to perfect a federal resume.

What is your No. 1 tip for a military spouse on the hunt for a job?

Broaden your options and hire Lex Levin to write your resume.

When I left my job as a news anchor, I ONLY wanted to work in journalism. I was deadset on it. Now I’m a Public Affairs Officer and my husband says he’s never seen me this happy workwise.

How do you feel about failure?

I used to take it very personally but I’m learning that failure just means you tried something. I don’t give up easily but I do need to practice not letting failure make me feel like I have some serious personal faults.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced while trying to maintain a career while living the military lifestyle?

My TDYs. I ended up taking a job as a civilian with an Army unit that travels more than 100 days a year. It’s incredibly exciting and came at the right time as my husband doesn’t deploy much now that he’s in D.C.

However, I rarely left my two children before now and that is incredibly difficult to do even though my TDYs are always less than 10 days at a time.

The other challenge is planning anything! He gets orders for three years and they change after two. I want to start planning moving home in the future and I know that I have no control over where we go until he finishes his 30 years – 15 left to go!

What is the best piece of career advice you’ve ever received? Tell us the worst too, while you’re at it.

Get a mentor and be a mentor. No matter how long you’ve been in a career, there is always someone with more experience that you can learn from. Then you should pass that on to the next generation.

I think the worst was to not take certain jobs because “I’m a mom.” My children absolutely come first but there are some people who think that if you have to work, you should only work as, say a receptionist. Nothing against receptionist jobs!

But you can be a good mom and go TDY, be a police officer (which I did when I served in the military), be a service member, etc.

Your career doesn’t make you a bad parent but by turning down what you love if you can balance work and family, you’re really telling yourself that you no longer matter and you’re showing your children to give up on their dreams.

Who is in your support squad?

My best friend!!!! I call her about everything!

And, of course, my husband. I couldn’t go TDY very easily without his support. I’m lucky he understands my job and my love for traveling and is being supportive.

Do you and your spouse or partner split household tasks? How do you do it?

We split. I’m a bit old-fashioned in that I still think he should the “heavy lifting” like take out the trash, clean up the dog poop. And yet, not so much that he doesn’t care when I make more money than him and he is the cook every night.

I do the laundry and up until this new job, the children’s homework and schooling was left up to me mostly.

He’s much more hands-on now that he’s back from two years unaccompanied in Japan.

Share your best life-hack for saving time or sanity during the work week.

Prioritize, delegate, breath, yoga, sleep. I like to keep up on housework and do a little each day, giving the kids chores, so that it doesn’t all pile up on precious weekends where we could be spending time together.

Exercise and sleep is KEY for keeping my emotions and stress level in check.

And date night. We disagree less when we go on regular date nights.

Tell us one piece of tech you couldn’t live without that isn’t your phone.

Alexa and Google home (yep, I have both)

Favorite app for making the most of your day?

I still use a paper agenda for planning out my day but I also input everything into a Google family calendar. It’s a lifesaver for me and my husband.

What’s your must-have song on your productivity playlist?

I listen to motivational speeches on YouTube instead.

If you had an extra hour in your day, what would you do with it?

I’d like to say I don’t use that time to randomly scroll Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest. That I would spend it writing my next book or advocating for children.

But sometimes I mindlessly scroll social media. I guess we all have our downfalls. Mine isn’t watching “The Bachelor,” it’s Facebook.

If you were a superhero, what would be your super power?

Teleporting for sure!

Are you a working military spouse? Do you want to share your career tips and tricks? Fill out the MilSpouses Who Work It Q&A today. Click here to complete our questionnaire.

19 Bible Studies And Devotionals For Military Spouses

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by Bailey Cummins, Guest Contributor

This post contains Amazon affiliate links. If you purchase one of these Bible studies through our links, NextGen MilSpouse will earn a little cash. Learn more how this works on our Privacy Policy.

When I met the man who would become my husband, I was living in a civilian community and knew next to nothing about military life. Once our relationship began to “get serious,” I knew I would need to prepare myself for the adventure ahead. Being far away from a military base meant I wasn’t able to engage in the military community in-person and gain advice through that avenue.

I knew next to nothing about military life when I met the man who would become my husband.

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Being a bibliophile, I did what most book-lovers tend to do: I turned to books for information and encouragement.

At that time in my life, I was working at a Christian bookstore. While that job wasn’t great for my wallet (hello, entire paychecks going back to the store), it provided me the ability to learn about faith-based books.

I was especially excited to discover Bible studies and Christian books that focused on military life.

The books listed below are perfect for any military spouse facing a deployment, PCS, newlywed or wanting some encouragement in this overwhelming lifestyle.

I have read a majority of the books on this list, although I can’t vouch for any specific beliefs held by the authors. Also although I recognize that there is diversity in the military community, the majority of these books are written from the perspective of male service member with a female spouse.

17 Bible Studies and Devotionals for Military Spouses

5 Bible Studies And Devotionals For Military Spouses

You Are Not Alone by Jen McDonald

This 30-day devotional was written by a military spouse who has been married to her service member for more than 25 years. In addition to discussion questions and Scripture references, it also features a prayer prompt based on the day’s topic and a “Basic Training for Spouses” with practical action items and journaling prompts.

I read this devotional through an online Bible study for military spouses and had the pleasure of meeting Jen at the 2017 Military Influencer Conference.

Psalm 91: God’s Shield of Protection (Military Edition) by Peggy Joyce Ruth and Angelia Ruth Schum

As the title suggests, Psalm 91: God’s Shield of Protection is a study over the 91st Psalm, which is a compilation of all of the protection promises in the Bible. Inspired by readers who prayed using this book for their service members, a military-specific edition was released.

I’ve always loved intercessory prayer and specifically using Scripture (such as the Psalms) as prayers for intercession.

Called to Serve by Tony and Penny Monetti

Written by a service member of 23 years and his spouse, “Called to Serve” features 30 devotions focusing specifically on the top five stressors of military families. Each devotion includes relevant Scripture references and the discussion questions at the end of each chapter for small group or personal reflection.

Journey of a Military Wife (series) by Brenda Pace

Dr. Brenda Pace’s husband spent 28 years as a military chaplain, and her experience ministering to military spouses led her to write the Journey of a Military Wife series. This series consists of four themed devotionals: Devoted – Steps Toward Healthy Relationships; Directed – Steps of Peace in Times of Transition; Deployed – Steps of Hope in Times of Uncertainty; and Dedicated – Steps of Faith in God’s Plan.

This series provided encouragement to me as a newlywed military spouse.

Tour of Duty by Sara Horn

This Bible study helps military wives deal with the emotions of deployment and learn to lean on God through the trials ahead. It can be done as a personal study but is best suited for a small group so that spouses can share their experiences and form a connection that will help get them through deployment.

Although my husband and I haven’t faced a deployment together, I have had friends who did this study in a small group before deployment and found it very helpful.

3 Books And Devotionals To Read With Your Service Member

31 Creative Ways to Love and Encourage Him/Her (Military Edition) by Jefferson and Alyssa Bethke

“The 31 Creative Ways” series by New York Times bestselling author Jefferson Bethke and his wife, Alyssa is written as a “his and hers” devotional: Jefferson writes to the husbands, Alyssa to the wives. Realizing that military couples needed relationship resources, they consulted with military families to develop the Military Edition series of this book.

Since this series was written by a millennial couple made famous for their YouTube videos, it’s a great resource for younger spouses who may be reluctant to take advice from more seasoned spouses.

Faith, Hope, Love and Deployment by Heather Gray

During her husband’s last deployment, Heather Gray sought a devotional that they could do together to emotionally bring them closer despite the distance. Discovering there was no book that met their needs, they began writing this book together. Sadly, her husband was killed in action, but Heather continued writing this devotional to encourage other military couples.

The 5 Love Languages Military Edition by Gary Chapman and Jocelyn Green

If I could only recommend one book from this entire this, this would be it! The 5 Love Languages is a New York Times bestseller that was originally published over 25 years ago that describes the 5 primary ways that couples give and receive love.

With the help of Jocelyn Green, the book was adapted into a military edition that includes tips on how to show love languages while apart and a FAQ section with military-specific questions. Regardless of religious affiliation, this is the one book that I believe every military couple should read.

3 Books

The Warrior’s Bride by Kathy Barnett and Carrie Daws

This book is filled with Biblical strategies on how to handle military life and anecdotes from the authors’ personal experiences in military life. There is an accompanying sequel series called Beyond Warrior’s Bride on specific military topics: family, reintegration, moving, finances, friends, and retirement. I personally found the advice in The Warrior’s Bride to be incredibly helpful in my own life.

I found the advice in The Warrior’s Bride to be incredibly helpful.

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Finding Joy: The Year Apart That Made Me a Better Wife by Hope N. Griffin

When her husband was sent overseas for a year, Hope questioned God’s faithfulness in her life and the strength of her marriage. She chose to use that year apart to dive deeper into Scripture, finding strength from the Biblical stories of Esther, Ruth, Bathsheba, Sarah and Hagar. This book features what Hope learned through her Bible study as well as her personal experiences and thoughts from her husband’s deployment.

17 Bible Studies and Devotionals for Military Spouses

Mission Ready Marriage by Claire Robertson Wood

Claire’s adventure with military life began after her husband (a seminary student) felt a stirring to become an Army chaplain. New to the military lifestyle, Claire shares her emotions and experiences on adjusting to active duty life, and how she is learning to be submissive to both God and country.

I enjoyed this book because it’s relevant to me as a newlywed military spouse, but also because it gave me a better understanding of the unique role that chaplains’ wives have in ministering to military spouses.

More Christian Books and Devotionals For Military Spouses:

Even now with a few years as an Army spouse under my belt, I still turn to these resources when I am struggling with military life, missing the military community (due to my husband’s current recruiting assignment) or need a refresher in handling military life with grace.

Regardless of how long you’ve been a military spouse, by reading these military-focused Christian books and Bible studies you will gain knowledge and wisdom.

Bailey CumminsBailey is a twenty-something newlywed military wife from Kentucky currently living in the (cold!) Midwest with her husband, dog, and cat. She’s currently pursuing a Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration and aspires to work in Human Resources to help military spouses and veterans find professional employment. On the weekends, you can find her accomplishing one of her numerous goals, reading a book, or writing another post for her website, Becoming Bailey. You can connect with Bailey on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Pinterest.

Episode 84: Meet For Tacos

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We welcome Justine Evirs, founder of The Paradigm Switch, which is focused on military spouse employment through community and scholarships in fields that are highly sought after. We also get breaking news from Amy about which commissaries are starting to sell beer and wine. Justine Evirs, founder of The Paradigm Switch, tells us all about how they are disrupting the military spouse employment space.

This Week’s Guest: Justine Evirs, The Paradigm Switch

When Justine joined the Navy, her plan was to make a career out of it. Her early medical discharge, however, forced her back to square one. She ended up in college to study business then spent numerous years in higher education and veteran services. Justine is now a mother of three, military spouse, prominent leader and disrupter in the entrepreneurial and veteran and military spouse communities.

The Paradigm Switch, a nonprofit founded by Justine in 2017, originally provided veterans and military spouses access to prestigious certifications and vocational skills-based programs.

Fast forward to today, The Paradigm Switch has relaunched and is putting military spouses first.

Justine is building a global digital community for military spouses by military spouses, offering a full spectrum of resources that enable spouses to unleash their unlimited potential both personally and professionally. The Paradigm Switch discovers and provides access to career resources, education opportunities, and communities that promote remote work, entrepreneurship and freelance work.

Connect with them on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and LinkedIn.

NextGen MilSpouse Posts That Have Us Talking

Jen got her job with a little bit of luck, experience and support from AMPLIFY. There are two more AMPLIFY sessions in 2018, apply today.

Sometimes it’s good to not just be in military-centric Facebook groups.

Speaking of Facebook groups, we love and hate them. We know you do too.

Amy Brings Us The News From Military.com

Amy changed her morning plans to share breaking news – where to find beer and wine at commissaries come July.

Jessica Tells Us What’s Trending On Social Media

No, we didn’t know what we were getting into, you didn’t either.

Hiring Our Heroes had a MAJOR announcement.

We reached 15,000 likes on Facebook!

NextGen MilSpouse’s Happy Hour Podcast is the official podcast of NextGenMilSpouse.com. We offer a fresh and modern take on military life for today’s military spouse. From navigating your career to surviving your next move, NextGen MilSpouse has you covered.

Our news and current events are brought to you by our friends at Military.com. Make sure you never miss a show or a story by subscribing to our podcast on iTunes or GooglePlay and by signing up for the NextGen MilSpouse Newsletter at NextGenMilSpouse.com. Still want more? Connect with us and other listeners in our Happy Hour Facebook Group. 

 

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I Am Ready To Live Military Life As A Minimalist

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by Ellie Kate, Guest Contributor

Stuff. We all have it, we all move it, we all box it, and many of us even store it.

When you are a military family, you can find yourself doing this quite often. Whether you move to a new base, stay in temporary lodging for a stint of time, or you go back home to be with family in your home state, various situations do arise and you find yourself faced with boxes upon boxes to shuffle around with you wherever you go.

And we can all attest, moving isn’t easy.

Moving is a major stressor in the military community.

But what if we owned less stuff? What if we intentionally said “enough is enough.”

What if you chose to live a life with far less possessions? Could you do it? Would it be worth it?

Could you become a minimalist?

Minimalism is simply choosing to live a life with fewer material possessions, which can in turn give us a freedom never experienced before.

A freedom from stuff that is weighing us down, holding us back and wasting our time.

Free from the stress of moving our stuff. Free from the stress of boxing it, free of the stress of storing it, and free of the expense of shipping it.

I believe that it is possible. I believe that I don’t need nearly as much as I have and I am ready to live more like a minimalist.

I Am Ready To Live Military Life As A Minimalist

The eye-opening moment for me happened over the course of the last six months.

Many of our possessions were driven in my car 2,100 miles across the country to my parent’s home while my husband was deployed overseas. I lived with what fit in a Toyota Corolla and in our suitcases for six months, and here is what happened. I realized I had too much stuff with me and it was quite stressful.

During my husband’s deployment, I learned that our next duty station would be in Germany. In that instance it all changed.

The car that I thought I was driving back to the Midwest (where I was living) would now be sold in the Pacific Northwest, as we are only shipping one vehicle overseas and we didn’t want to drive it back 2,100 miles during the winter to only have to sell it once I was back.

I was left with a car full amount of possessions plus much more since I accumulated a ton while I was there. Now what? How was I going to get all this stuff back to the Midwest?

Related: 10 Things The Military Doesn’t Tell You When You Get Orders Overseas

Nearly two weeks before my scheduled flight back I made three piles. Keep, donate and ship. I learned quickly just how frustrating that decision-making process was. I couldn’t make decisions. I could only make justifications.

I gave up many times and put the process off for another week. Once my allowed six suitcases were packed for me and my kids, I quickly realized that I wasn’t going to be able to bring very much of my stuff with me.

What was I to do?

I donated three giant garbage bags to Goodwill and stuffed my bags until busting at their seams.

Then I shipped things. I shipped many things. So much stuff I couldn’t see straight and felt like I was losing my mind and felt completely and utterly overwhelmed.

On one hand I wanted every single thing to magically make its way home, and on the other hand, I wanted to never see any of it ever again.

My light bulb moment though, didn’t quite strike me until I was back to the Midwest, believe it or not. It was when my shipped packages sat for over a day in our living room. It hit me and I was disappointed in myself. If I lived a day without the contents in those boxes and didn’t rip into them the minute they arrived at my door, why did I even ship it in the first place?

On one hand I wanted every single thing to magically make its way home, and on the other hand, I wanted to never see any of it ever again.

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When I opened these boxes I asked myself, “Why did I ship this again?” Some of the contents I happily marched up to their places, but the rest? My heart sank. The now paid for shipped item got tossed in my newly formed donate pile and I couldn’t believe it. I needed a change.

If I lived a day without that stuff, I knew that I could live many more days without what was inside those boxes.

That was the moment that I knew I was ready for my new minimalist lifestyle. I was ready for a lifestyle that didn’t involve so much stuff.

In the next few weeks, my husband and I made some big changes…we began donating and selling a lot of our stuff. It wasn’t anything too earth-shattering at this point, but enough to see the difference and we aren’t feeling deprived.

Related: Selling Your Crap Online in Three Easy Steps

And neither are our children! In fact, I feel they are doing much better. I can see their happiness when they can find that action figure with much less effort then it involved before, and with freed up space in the living room, they instantly began doing summersaults and flips, and it was happening.

We were less stressed by having less stuff.

We are less stressed when we have less stuff.

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I Am Ready To Live Military Life As A Minimalist

We were feeling a sense a freedom, we were experiencing a different joy, and we weren’t wondering about what was given away in those boxes anymore.

It was as though things were starting to fit together and the kids were even appreciating a much more tidy and organized play area. And I’m terrible at organizing. This was huge for us and it is just beginning. I can’t wait to fully understand the benefits of minimalism and live a life with less possessions as we continue our journey in the military overseas!

Minimalism is hard and we are learning. It will be a process and a lifestyle change that we are beginning to implement into our home.

Will it take time? Lots…but we are ready to make these decisions and free up our time spent putting things away and more time out enjoying each other and making more memories.

With a minimalism lifestyle it feels like we will have more time for other things such as happiness and less stress. I am believing it and I am seeing it, and I can’t wait to experience more of it, on this journey to live a more minimalist life in the military.

Ellie is a military spouse and mother of two children.Ellie is a military spouse and mother of two children. While attending the University of Nevada Las Vegas, she met her husband who serves in the Air Force. For over a decade they have moved base to base with their two children. Ellie has found great joy in sharing her experience as a military spouse and what she is learning along the way. She aspires to live more simply and minimally in a thrifty way. You can connect with Ellie on Facebook, Twitter and on her blog, Thriftcents.

5 Ways You Can Help Your Military Community…Just By Using Your Computer #BSFSurvey

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by Joanna Guldin-Noll, Guest Contributor

The more military-affiliated folks who tell their stories in the Blue Star Families annual Military Lifestyle Survey, the better. And it’s open to all military-affiliate folks – active duty, National Guard and Reserve members of all branches and their spouses, veterans and retirees and their spouses, and military kids.

The Blue Star Families annual Military Lifestyle Survey is considered a preeminent resource and snapshot of the current state of the military family. Thinkers, decision-makers, academics, politicians, and other leaders  across various sectors look to the #BSFSurvey to help them better understand the trends within the military community.

The survey is valid and research-based; Blue Star Families collaborates closely with Syracuse University’s Institute for Veterans and Military Families from the first planning stages of the survey to the final touches. Because of this, the survey has been used in CEO’s boardrooms, on Capitol Hill, and even in the White House to drive policy and make decisions to better serve military families.

The 2018 #BSFSurvey is open and taking responses until June 1.

Here’s how you can help Blue Star Families help the military community using just your phone or your laptop:

Take the Blue Star Families annual Military Lifestyle Survey. Your experiences are worthy of being recorded and being part of the body of work that has become 10 years of the #BSFSurvey.

Send the link to your spouse. We know how these things go…and we know how military families are. If you’re able to have dinner with your spouse, it’s likely you’ll both forget about the survey just because you don’t have the link right there in front of you. If you’re not in the same ZIP code (or time zone) an email or message with the link goes a long way.

via GIPHY

Remind your friends to take the survey. Post it on Facebook, send a text… just let them know that you took the #BSFSurvey and they should too.

Once you take the survey, change your Facebook profile picture. (We have a nifty overlay that you can access once you hit “submit” on the survey.) It’ll let everyone know that you’ve helped out the military community by lending your voice to a preeminent resource.

Share this article. The more military-affiliated folks who tell their stories in the #BSFSurvey, the better. And it’s open to all military-affiliate folks – active duty, National Guard and Reserve members of all branches and their spouses, veterans and retirees and their spouses, and military kids.

And don’t forget! We’re giving away five $100 gift cards in a drawing that’s open to those who have completed the survey. (Don’t worry; if you don’t have time to complete it, the application will save your place. You can finish it later.) Take the survey today.

Joanna Guldin-Noll is the Senior Produced Media Manager for Blue Star Families and spouse of a Navy veteran.Joanna Guldin-Noll is the Senior Produced Media Manager for Blue Star Families and spouse of a Navy veteran. She loves PBS, reading, cross-stitching, and is trying really hard to like running.

“Meeting People And Connecting With Them Through Various Forms Of Social Media Is Truly The Most Rewarding Thing About Blogging”

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NextGen MilSpouse is going beyond traditional career tips and tricks for military spouses! We are sharing the real stories of working military spouses (just like you!) and their professional success stories on Wednesdays.

Amanda Huffman started her blog Airman to Mom to keep her sanity as a new mom who had recently left the Air Force. Now she's giving a voice to veterans who are young mothers and military spouses.

Name: Amanda Huffman

Years as a military spouse:

11

Tell us your profession:

Blogger | Freelance Writer

Is this full-time, part-time, hourly, contract or freelance work?

Part-time

How long have you been working in this career field?

4 years

Do you work in an office, telecommute from home (or Starbucks), or a little bit of both?

Home

Tell us one thing you love about your job.

Connecting with others. Either through sharing life experiences through writing or collaborating with others on business ventures.

Meeting people and connecting with them through various forms of social media is truly the most rewarding thing about blogging.

How did you get this position? Was it a resume, referral, job fair? Spill your magic.

I started my blog to keep my sanity as a new mom who had just left the military. I started the blog for me, but now I have recently shifted it to focus on the main points for military spouses and veterans. I think opening up to share my experience is a unique voice not often found.

What is your No. 1 tip for a military spouse on the hunt for a job?

Find something you love to do. A small business might be a good option because you can move it with you and you will find a supportive military community already established. Or maybe you love an organization, so see if there are ways to volunteer with that organization. It may lead to an open door.

How do you feel about failure?

Becoming a mom taught me so much because essentially it was the first time I failed, regularly. Now, I realize failure is just a way to learn and grow. I have been struggling with growing my audience and often don’t meet the goals I set for myself, but I am moving forward.

Failure isn’t bad if you learn something from it and keep moving forward.

What’s the biggest challenge you’ve faced while trying to maintain a career while living the military lifestyle?

Having young kids has made it hard to find the time and the energy to pursue a passion. Especially because in the beginning it has been hard to grow and find my voice.

I have learned the importance of not doing it alone. When you find a community to support you even if they are not physically with you it can help you push through the hard times and grow.

Related: People Often Ask Me ‘Do You Miss the Military?

The other hard part is preparing for changes. Unexpected deployments, TDYs or job changes can have an impact on how much time you have to work on different projects and that makes it hard to run your own business.

What is the best piece of career advice you’ve ever received?

Find your focus or your niche. When I first started sharing my experience I was all over the map. Any inspiration was used to fuel my blog. That was ineffective and instead of reaching someone I was reaching no one. Now I know that I need to constantly work on what my readers want/need to hear.

Who is in your support squad?

I am in a mastermind group with a handful of other military spouse bloggers. They encourage and inspire me to keep pushing. Through the group I have learned tools to help me in this entrepreneurship journey.

I also have the support of my husband who allows me the time to work on my blog in the evening and will watch the kids when I need him to. His support on my crazy dream means a lot.

Do you and your spouse or partner split household tasks? How do you do it?

Since I stay at home with my kids I do most of the household chores, but I do have a rule that since I cook he does the dishes. He does a pretty good job of helping me out with the dishes. It is the one thing that I really don’t like doing. It works well for us.

On Black Friday we invested in a Roomba and it is my new favorite thing. My sister recently came to visit and commented about how clean our house was. Did you get a maid? Nope just a Roomba!

Share your best life-hack for saving time or sanity during the work week.

Work batching. I try to work on each part of blogging in pieces instead of going all over the place. Writing, images, social media, ect. Each one done and then I move on to the next.

I also turn off social media and close my email inbox while working so I don’t have distractions.

Related: Why I Left the Air Force to Be a SAHM

What’s your favorite app for making the most of your day?

Instagram. I love seeing photos and being inspired

What’s your must-have song on your productivity playlist?

Anything Taylor Swift. Probably “Shake It Off,” is my favorite.

If you had an extra hour in your day, what would you do?

Listen to a podcast episode or two or watch YouTube

If you were a superhero, what would be your super power?

To be able to fly. I love traveling and being able to fly where ever I want to go would be amazing.

Are you a working military spouse? Do you want to share your career tips and tricks? Fill out the MilSpouses Who Work It Q&A today. Click here to complete our questionnaire.

How I Designed My Positive Social Network

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The other day I opened up Facebook and all I saw were political diatribes. People were posting and commenting back and forth. The name calling and personal attacks were vicious. As I scrolled further down my newsfeed, it didn’t get better.

At lunch with a friend, we got stuck in an endless loop of general complaints, gossip and finger-pointing. When I left, I felt more dejected and upset than when I arrived.

Generally, the last year or so have seemed like a never-ending cycle of bad news, nasty attitudes and general terribleness. It’s been a lot and it’s been depressing. I seriously cannot take any more of the negativity.

It was time for a radical change.

How I Designed My Positive Social Network

How I Designed My Positive Social Network

All of the nasty posts and negative conversations started to take a toll on me mentally and emotionally. I decided I really needed a change. So I chose to overhaul all my social connections.

Permission To Be Positive

Start with yourself. After all, the best changes start at home! Try keeping a journal or alerting yourself when you start to complain. I really like some of the methods I found at The Orange Rhino. Their challenge is all about stopping parents from yelling at their children. But the same principles can be applied to anything.

Put money into a complaints jar, like a swear jar, whenever you find yourself stuck in a cycle of grousing about life. Keep track of your positive comments and try to meet a daily minimum. Give yourself daily prompts, like The Love Dare, to complete. Your prompts could be specific (say something nice about deployment or 24-hour duty) or more general (compliment someone today). Another idea is to journal about what makes you happy.

When you feel happy, you’re more likely to radiate that to others!

End Negative Talks

Whether you are talking to yourself or with a friend, set clear guidelines about positive and negative conversations.

Internally, give yourself permission to be upset about things. It’s normal to be unhappy, sad and angry. These are valid emotions. But you’re only hurting yourself when you start the negative self-talk.

With your friends, stop conversations or redirect them when they turn to the complaint tracks. Pause and say “I hear your concerns and I understand them. How can we fix the situation? Can we talk about that?”

Another option is to say “I know you’re upset about (situation), but I feel like we talk about this all the time and never solve it. I’d love to share one thing that’s good right now.”

Without an endless barrage of insults I can focus on the good in life.

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Actually, one of my favorite podcasts does this. At the end of every episode, the hosts share one positive thing that happened to them that week. It brings up the tone of the conversation and ends on a high note. (Full disclosure: My Favorite Murder is a true crime podcast, so it’s often a bit of a downer.)

If you find that a friend just can’t bring it back to the lighter side or work toward positive solutions, it might be time to start distancing yourself. I recommend this not to be mean or end a good friendship, but for mental health purposes. It’s hard to be positive if you are in an echo chamber of negativity. Think about that.

It’s hard to be positive if you are in an echo chamber of negativity.

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Curate Positive On Social Media

Facebook is where I’ve seen a lot of the most divisive and hateful comments lately. People seem to think that being behind a screen gives them permission to be ugly toward others. Words hurt, folks!

I’ve gotten tired of seeing yet another political rant, comment or post in my feeds. I don’t want to unfriend folks right away. After all these are some of my family and friends! But I can’t deal with the negativity overwhelm anymore.

How I Designed My Positive Social Network

So I did a thing.

Go to Facebook. Look at a post, any post. In the top right corner of each and every post are three little dots. Click there.

A menu of options should appear. It’s magic. Find the second, third and fourth options.

  • One should be “Hide Post.” This means you’ll never see that particular post again. You can even hide posts from particular third party pages, like hiding every post your Facebook friends make about Caillou.
  • You can also “Snooze” your friend for 30 days. This lets you take a short break from seeing their posts without removing them completely from your feed.
  • The next option is to “Unfollow” your friend, which takes all of their posts out of your Facebook newsfeed while still keeping them as a friend.

Genius.

Next, go through your pages and groups. Next to the “Liked” and “Joined” indicators should be something called “Follow.” Click there. You can decide how and when you see posts from that group or page.

For pages/groups that are mostly positive, you can opt to see them first in your feed. Go ahead and do that.

I personally have Following Atticus set to appear first in my newsfeed. I love to see the adventures of Tom and his furry companions. Who doesn’t love sweet puppy stories first thing?

When I set clear boundaries online and in real life, I’ve found that it’s been way easier to be positive and happy. I don’t have the endless barrage of insults, so I can focus on the good in life.

How to do build positivity into your life? Share your best tips in the comments!

New Legislation Takes Aim At Military Spouse Employment

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by T.T. Robinson, Guest Contributor

You finally get the job of your dreams, and it’s time to move.

Or you can’t find child care.

Or your credentials aren’t accepted in your new state.

Or you started your own business and you can’t find a way to operate on post.

Or…insert one of a million other scenarios that military spouses continue to endure in the great plight of finding (and keeping) a job.

For me, the scenario was moving to Guam. I had a great job in Washington, D.C., and I (very wrongly) assumed I’d have no problem finding a job. When we got to island, I sent resume after resume after resume (after resume!), and I didn’t hear a thing. I finally found a position that actually aligned to my experience and was ecstatic to apply. I heard back from the hiring manager the next day and we excitedly discussed my knowledge, skills and abilities. We both knew I was the most qualified candidate that would apply; I’d done nearly the exact same job they were hiring for on the national level in D.C.

Then the hiring manager asked The Question.

“What brought you to Guam?”

I didn’t hesitate in telling him – I was proud of my husband’s service. I also didn’t think it would result in my interviewer responding, “Oh. We’ll let you know,” only to never hear from him again.

We all have (or know someone who has) had a similar experience. Fortunately for us, someone is listening:

This week Senator Tim Kaine (D-Va.) introduced the Military Spouse Employment Act of 2018, hoping to stem the tide of military spouse unemployment.

Last week, I had the opportunity to tell my story (along with three of my co-advisors on the Military Family Advisory Network) at Senator Kaine’s announcement of his intention to introduce the bill.

At the event, Kaine talked about the national unemployment rate and how it compares to that of military spouses. Spoiler alert: Ours is much, much higher, and Kaine is committed to fighting that. Fortunately for us, he understands the struggles and complexities of military families firsthand; his oldest son is a married, active duty Marine.

While there are several facets to this legislation, and many involve commissioning studies in order to have more data points, there are 4 main foci of the bill:

New Legislation Takes Aim At Military Spouse Employment

Military Spouse Employment Act of 2018

Employment Opportunities

This aims to bolster military spouses’ competitiveness in the job market by modifying federal hiring authority so that federal agencies can expedite the hiring of a candidate who is a military spouse. Additionally, it requires DoD to come up with a plan to increase the participation of military spouse friendly businesses in defense contracts. Last but not least, it encourages DoD to submit a plan on how to best facilitate military spouse entrepreneurship on installations…as in, how do you get a contract for one of those little kiosks outside the PX/NEX/BX? And how do we ensure you can actually earn a livelihood from said kiosk instead of paying an unreasonable amount for rent?

Spoiler alert: Milspouse unemployment is much, much higher than the national rate

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Continuing Education and Training

This pillar instructs DoD to evaluate how to expand and increase awareness of existing programs to military spouses, specifically the Military Spouse Career Advancement Account (MyCAA). MyCAA provides an incredible opportunity to receive a non-competitive scholarship of up to $4,000 to pursue associate degrees, certificates, professional licenses and even the costs of recertifying credentials.

Child Care

Child care is very near and dear to my heart as I was supposed to start a job 2 weeks after moving to our new duty station, only to find out it was almost a yearlong waiting list. Living far from family and not knowing a soul, too often, we have to choose between affordable, reliable child care or working.

This part of the bill instructs the DoD to examine ways to increase the number of cleared child care providers while ensuring DoD adheres to child care safety rules. So, another study, but I’m remaining cautiously optimistic that some headway will be made as they look at finding more options for child care.

Counseling and Transition Assistance

This part of the bill allows transitioning service members and their spouses an additional six months of access to Military One Source (currently limited to only six months after transition). This might not sound like a big deal, but every spouse I’ve talked to says that the six-month mark is right about the time the honeymoon of retirement sets in and the “needing resources” phase begins. An extension will be so useful for families. Additionally, this provision allows military spouses to attend Transition Assistance Programs (TAP) with their service members, allowing for smoother transitions to civilian life for the whole family.

Kaine hopes the Military Spouse Employment Act of 2018 will be attached to the 2018 National Defense Authorization Act, with bipartisan support.

“It’s a military readiness issue,” Kaine said. “And of course all want to help our military spouses advance.”

TT RobinsonT.T. Robinson is a Navy wife, mommy and political correspondent for NextGen MilSpouse. She also currently writes the Deployment Diary for Motherlode, the New York Times parenting blog, and is a regular contributor for SpouseBuzz. Follow her on Twitter, find her on Facebook or visit her website, www.ttrobinsonwrites.com. 

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety

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I have a secret.

It’s not Lifetime Movie of the Week caliber. It’s not even a “break apart your marriage and family” type of skeleton in the closet.

But it is my secret.

It’s more like the thing you reveal at cocktail parties when someone poses the question: “What is a fact no one knows about you?”

I’m an introvert.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

I’m not a traditional introvert; I don’t need alone time. In fact, I tend to get antsy if I stay home all day by myself.

I don’t need down time to recharge my batteries either.

What I really don’t like is social functions and socializing; I have a form of social anxiety. You know, “the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.”

Are you surprised?  I appear to be a woman who loves to party and socialize. But I don’t. At least not until I’m comfortable in a situation. I think there are more of us out there than people know.

According to one study from Dr. Bella DePaulo mentioned in the book “How to Work a Room a Guide to Successfully Managing the Mingling,” 75% of people have social anxiety when they are at a party with strangers. That means that 3 out of 4 of us don’t like the most common situations in the military-forced fun.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

Growing up I was the biggest extrovert you would know. I was a talker and I danced everywhere it was possible; in the dance studio as well as in the halls at school. I didn’t sit still. Strike that. I COULDN’T sit still. I had a desire to be moving and to be the center of everyone’s world.

When I had children all that changed. I didn’t want to be the center of attention or the life of the party. I wanted to stay home and be with my family. I also found that I preferred to listen rather than speak. Those two qualities combined to change my temperament and my desire to socialize.

This turned out to be bad timing. As I began to feel more and more at ease with my cocoon, my kids got older and I was running out of alibis to not go to social functions with my service member. I excused myself from First Fridays. I even canceled my invite to spouse functions.

When my husband was selected to command a squadron, I bowed out from Airman Leadership School graduations and I passed on chief induction ceremonies. I used the kids as an excuse. They always needed me for something – whether it was a school activity, band competition or sport. One parent had to be there, right? That was why I was a stay at home parent who worked part-time. I believed that my children should have one constant in their lives. The military couldn’t offer us that stability so I provided it.

A few years later, my spouse was given a group. A group! What a great day and affirmation of his abilities! But what a sad day for me. We aren’t required to do anything but the pressure is still there. I didn’t succumb to peer pressure instead I decided to take part in this facet of his life.

My first event as a second-time C.O.W. (Commanding Officer’s Wife) was a Patch On event. This is when the students who have gone through training are assigned to their new operations squadrons. My first touch of anxiety came when they said I had a seat in the front of the auditorium and would be introduced. What?? This was not what I expected.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

I got through that day with the help of the other squadron commanders who made me feel at home. That experience gave me the confidence to continue. It also helped that now I knew a few people.

A squadron picnic came next. Talk about anxiety inducing. I was hoping that my spouse would be there with me so that I could tag along with him.

He’s my security blanket, after all. But of course, he ran late and so I went solo.

I found one person I knew and talked with them but that can only last so long. I found my way to the buffet line and stayed quiet. Slowly people came up to me and started conversations. It’s still not easy when you have little to say. After I ate, I left defeated and tired.

3 out of 4 of military spouses don’t like military-forced fun.

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Each new activity started the same way: find someone to latch onto and hope more people you know arrive so you can talk to them and not feel foolish.

I hated meeting new people. As soon as the introduction was over, I would forget their names and faces. It was embarrassing when I would say, “Nice to meet you” to someone I’d already been introduced to. My social anxiety didn’t lessen.

Eventually these functions that I forced myself to attend got easier. The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them. I became my outgoing self.

I learned to say, “How are you?” instead of “Nice to meet you.” And then I played off the fact that I meet so many people, it takes a few times before I remember. Everyone understood and I think they appreciated my candor. I can say that after two years “in the job,” I felt more at ease but not completely comfortable.

The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them

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New anxiety begins at every new base but I need to look back on my time at the group level and remind myself that I can do it! Practice is supposed to make perfect but I’m striving for contentment; contentment with my mental well-being and myself.

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