I Am More Than Just a Soldier

By Leave a Comment

by Jennifer Kennedy, Guest Contributor

Making friends in the military can be hard. With our husbands picking up our lives every few years and placing us in places we may never have been – or may not even want to be at, it can be tricky.

I know your pain. I have been an Army wife for 7 years.

Moving is hard. Living on post has allowed for a sense of community but there is still something that complicates my friendships with my neighbors. What’s my deep dark secret?

I am in the Army too.

I have been in the Army longer than I’ve been an Army wife. And I love it. Everyone has “good Army days” and “bad Army days” but as your spouse can attest, the good outweighs the bad and having a career in the military is very fulfilling.

So why is it that when I reveal my job, other Army wives turn on their cold shoulder?

Other women in the military have experienced this as well. Everything is all good, we shop at Target, we wear the latest leggings, we Instagram our Red Cups.

But Monday-Friday, we serve our country while our neighbors are either stay-at-home parents or work at their civilian careers and for some reason, our jobs weird people out.

I'm an female Army Soldier Looking for Friendship

Confession: I’m an Army Soldier Looking for Friendship

I want to share 3 reasons why you should embrace your military ladyfriend.

I Can Decode Your Husband

Everyone knows the military works in acronyms. They can be tricky. Some even stand for 2 or 3 things! I know many wives who get confused and husbands who spend all day breaking it down for the soldiers so breaking it down for their wives may not be high on their list.

But fear not my friends, I know what these acronyms mean. I live them every day.

If you are ever confused as to why your husband is in the field (again) and what a gunnery is – hit me up!

Why do we need 87 different pairs of gloves? I am more than happy to tell you more than “it’s just what they gave me.”

I promise it is not hard to decode the acronyms and once you do, you’ll be able to understand what nonsense your husband and his battle buddies are talking about. Think of how impressed he will be the next time he throws out a bunch of acronyms about his next training event and you reply back with confidence about what the training exercise entails?

We Are in the Know

Units often know about on-post activities before the general public does. Parades, festivals, sporting events. Those are often “taskings” that service members have to provide support for – aka things your husband gets “volun-told” to do.

Want to know the route for the Memorial Day parade and the best place to set up your seats? I’ve seen the route. Your husband has too but he probably doesn’t care about it as much as we do.

Us moms are always on the hunt for fun weekend activities for the kids to do. We also know when local sport teams have tickets to give away, a head’s up on Thanksgiving and Christmas food and toy vouchers. Basically, if you want to know when the sign-up for free turkey is, I know when it is because I took the notes.

I Am More Than Just a Soldier

Of course, knowing your husband’s job and being able to explain it in easy to understand, non-military words is fun and all but at the end of the day, I am more than just a soldier.

I am a mom just like you. I worry about schools and daycares and preschools. I am just like you, stalking Pinterest for the best teacher’s gift or birthday party spread.

Yes, I wear combat boots.

Yes, I have to do PT tests and sometimes I work weird hours but I’m also a lady wanting some downtime. I need “girl time” just as much as you.

And I want to learn about what you do too. While I love my job, I do not always want to talk about the military. Are you a stay at home mom? How do you do it without losing your mind? Do you have a civilian career? What is it like?

Ladies in the military are not some weird “insider” to be looked at as a threat. We are your ally.

I get upset about going to the field just like you get upset that your husband is going to the field. The difference is, we can complain like girls do together.

We are also both married to a service member.

Your fears are my fears. Every time my husband has to leave town for work or deploy, I am just a big a nervous wreck as you are.

So, next time you see a woman in uniform, reach out to her. If she is anything like me, she is so ready for a conversation with another woman. We do not even have to talk about the military. Tell me about the latest Dollar Spot goodies.

I'm an Army Soldier Looking for FriendshipJennifer Kennedy is an Army veteran, Army wife, and grew up as an Army brat. Her husband, 4 kids, and 4 cats are currently experiencing all Fort Carson and the surrounding area has to offer. When she’s not exploring her duty station, she is blogging over at www.injeniouslife.com where she shares recipes, craft and sewing tutorials, and recaps of her duty station adventures.

My Transition From Sailor to Navy Wife Was Tougher Than I Imagined

By Leave a Comment

by Tara Glenn, Guest Contributor

When I got married to my active duty Navy husband, I was already in the Navy Reserves myself and expected marriage to be a breeze. I had conquered so much during my time in the military so far, and I expected marriage and military spouse life to be no different.

I thought because I knew all about the inner workings of the military that I had it altogether and that I could be God’s gift to military spouses everywhere, but I couldn’t have been more wrong.

My attitude toward my military marriage was like this:

PCS? Bring it.

Deployment? I’ve been through worse.

Military spouse life? I hoped it would be as great as my time on active duty.

20130209-_MG_9666

When we moved into our first house in Pensacola, hardly anyone knew for a long time that I was also in the military because I was a Reservist and only drilled one weekend a month.

The first time my neighbor saw me in my uniform, she asked why I was in my husband’s uniform.

Others were surprised to find out that I was in the Navy because I didn’t “look” like I was in the military.

I am not only petite, but I also avoided wearing any kind of clothing outside of work that identified me as a service member or spouse because I didn’t want to attract any negative attention when I was alone, or worse, with my children.

When people did find out, they assumed that my role within the Navy was administrative. What was true was that I was trained as an Aviation Ordinanceman, which means that I built and loaded bombs onto aircraft.

We served as a dual-military couple for 4 years and then I was separated for medical reasons. During my time in, I eventually learned to use their assumptions about my own job to serve as a reminder that I should never assume anything about anyone, especially other military spouses.

My Transition From Sailor to Navy Wife Was Tougher Than I Ever Imagined It Would Be

Despite my confidence going into military spouse life, I quickly learned I was in over my head.

I had a hard time relating to other spouses, mainly because I didn’t understand the majority of the challenges they faced. Back then I thought, “well how hard could it be to stay home with the kids all day?”

I had been separated from my children for military reasons, and when my husband deployed while I was pregnant during a complicated pregnancy, I learned real fast how hard a deployment could be for a spouse – that it wasn’t just “sitting at home” with the kids.

When we were still a dual-military couple, I didn’t get, and wouldn’t understand until after I got out and then moved away from a job I loved, was that the majority of military spouse wanted to be seen as more than “just a spouse.”

It wasn’t until then I learned that military spouses were all just looking to be accepted for who they are:

men and women that loved someone else so much that they put their lives and careers on hold to follow someone else around the world.

They are educated and skilled professionals that are oftentimes underemployed and underappreciated at work. If they can find work, have learned to do more with less as the military scales back military benefits and programs, and in many cases, are even raising children away from extended family, or rather the village that we’re always talking about and how we need it to help raise our children.

And when we move every 2 years or so, it’s even hard to make friends and maintain a career, even more so when the ink is barely dry on your boxes from your last move when you’re learning you’re going to move…again.

What I didn’t expect was the sheer loneliness that I would feel as a military spouse at times. Since I have been married, I have lived too far from my hometown to just pack up and drive home, and I haven’t seen some of my extended family in about 5 years.

I also didn’t realize how tired I could become – after I got out of the military, all the late-night duty hours fell to me because I didn’t have to go to work the next morning.

During the school year, I become a caffeine-seeking zombie because after I get our older boys to school, there’s no way I can get our younger girls back to sleep until the early afternoon. Dealing with all of this wouldn’t be so bad if I had a group of people that just “got me” around to talk to, like I had when I lived in the barracks.

I know that it’s easy to become discouraged when the only people out in your neighborhood during the day are the maintenance and landscapers, and I’m pretty sure they don’t want to talk mom-shop with me or learn about the latest hair and makeup trends.

But after living the military spouse life for 5 years, my confidence is growing while my attitude is changing.

Deployment? It’ll be better than the last one!

PCS? Let’s get back to the beach.

Military spouse community? I’m still learning, but it gets better every day.

Because I have been able to grow emotionally and become more mature, I have been able to develop deeper and more meaningful relationships with other women, and become a better wife and mother.

The biggest lesson that I’ve learned through all of this is that my children and husband need a support system too, that I am not the only one in need of a network.

And professionally, I have also gained more confidence as I build my resume because with each new duty station there are new people to meet, new skills to acquire and new opportunities to find, and I’ll never find them sitting in my living room in a cocoon of self-pity because my expectations didn’t quite live up to real life.

Tara GlennTara Glenn is a soccer-mom of four kids and a lover of fitness and Pokemon GO. She enjoys spending time with her family when she’s not working as a writer or an Online Business Manager and Virtual Assistant. You can learn more about her and her ongoing projects at www.taraglenn.com.

What Your Dual-Military Friends Want You to Know

By Leave a Comment

by Megan Rutell, Guest Contributor

Ah, deployments. The brave solider marches into the sunset while his wife flutters her white handkerchief and blows him kisses. A thousand tiny American flags wave in the wind while a brass band plays “When the Saints Go Marching In.”

Wait! What year is it?

Let’s face it. Modern military spouses aren’t misty-eyed gals in oxfords and the ranks aren’t filled exclusively with strapping young lads.

The men and women of today’s military represent our nation’s kaleidoscope of personalities, ethnicities, religions, sexual orientations, political philosophies and backgrounds.

But as I was recently reading through some of my favorite milspouse blogs, I couldn’t help noticing they represented (almost exclusively) civilian women married to men in the service. To anyone who didn’t know better, the picture hasn’t changed much.

I wasn’t bothered, exactly. After all, I’m a woman married to a man in the service. It’s still a valid experience and these lovely and skilled bloggers are representing their real lives. I applaud them daily.

My experience in a dual-military marriage was distinctly different, however, and I couldn’t help bristling at having my service marginalized beneath antiquated gender roles and clichés.

A friend and I mulled over why more milspouse bloggers don’t mention female service members or joint-spouse (a.k.a. dual-mil, mil-to-mil) families.

Her reply:

Dual-military couples are too rare to talk about.

I was floored. Rare?

Nearly 90,000 of our service members are in dual-military marriages, according to the 2013 DoD Demographics report. Across the services, 11.5 percent of ALL marriages are dual-mil and a whopping 46 percent of married women in the services are married to someone in a uniform.

Believe it or not, those figures seemed low to me. I left active duty in 2012 and of all the married women I served with, (a hundred, at least), I can only think of one (ONE!) who married a civilian.

Why is this so significant? For starters, dual-military marriage isn’t rare at all. It’s common to how women experience active duty. They’re not only military members, they’re also military spouses. So are their husbands (or wives; DoD marriage data hasn’t caught up with same-sex marriage legislation).

Not that anyone is excluding them on purpose. We’re not likely to hear dual-mil voices permeating the military spouse networks for one simple reason: They’re too busy.

Being a military spouse is difficult already, but when you add a second deployment schedule, 60-hour duty weeks, early morning commander’s calls, fitness tests, night shifts, exercises — well, let’s just say they’re not starting their blogs anytime soon.

Many of my closest friends and neighbors — like the badasses they are — have successfully built 2 active-duty careers while maintaining stable home lives for their children. Don’t they deserve a voice in the military spouse community?

Of course! The more the merrier. To get the ball rolling, here are 6 things every military spouse should know about their dual-mil friends and neighbors:

6 Things Your Dual Military Friends Want You To Know About Them

Dual-military couples are not unicorns.

The worst thing the milspouse community can do to dual-milspouses is to pretend they don’t exist. You may not see them at spouse luncheons, but they are military spouses and deserve acknowledgement from their support networks.

Speakers at promotions and changes-of-command often say spouses have “the toughest job in the military,” but dual-mil families face special challenges each day and rarely ask for (or receive) special attention.

Your job as a military spouse is tough. So is theirs.

Let them know you see them. A little awareness can go a long way.

They appreciate the invitation.

When my husband and I were stationed in separate squadrons at Nellis AFB, I joined his squadron’s spouse group. They always invited me to events, whether they happened during the workday, at night, whenever. I’m sure they knew my duty schedule prevented me from attending, but the offer meant a lot to me.

Don’t be surprised if your invitations are met with confusion at first. Many active-duty spouses are so accustomed to being ignored (or unwelcome) that they don’t expect inclusion.

Nevertheless, reach out to them. Your openness will help them feel like they can ask for support when it’s needed.

Babysitting? Yes, please!

If there’s anything dual-military families can agree on, it’s that babysitting is the ultimate gift. Overnight care is like winning the lottery.

Many people don’t know that active-duty couples with children must immediately file a Family Care Plan at each new duty station. They essentially assign temporary custody of their kids to non-uniformed personnel, short-term and long-term, in case both parents are deployed concurrently.

How many friends do you have when you show up at a new duty station? Anyone you could trust with your children? None? Same for them.

Naming someone on the Family Care Plan is infinitely easier if a fellow military spouse offers, even if you can only give short-term care.

Don’t wait for them to ask; make the offer.

They love their spouses and kids just as much as you do.

I deployed away from my son when he was 9 months old. It was part of my obligation as a military member and while I was heartbroken to leave such a small baby, I tried to power through. It was the single hardest time of my life and led to my separation from Air Force. I was fortunate to have that choice; not everyone does.

But people mistakenly believe dual-mil families are wired differently. They don’t mind. They’re used to it. It’s different for those people.

Wrong.

When deployments happen, you lace up and go. No quibbling. Don’t mistake discipline with detachment.

Leaving your spouse and your children never gets easier. Their reasons for staying on active duty are not a commentary on their commitment to their families.

There’s not much you can do to ease this burden for your dual-mil friends other than reassure them. Tell them you see how much they love their children and they’re doing a great job. A tiny gesture can unload a lot of guilt from their rucksacks.

Stop joking about their stashes of money.

I can just picture my active-duty friends, in their best Scrooge McDuck impersonations, laughing maniacally amidst their stacks of gold coins. Throw in a couple of crowns for effect!

Trust me, they get tired of hearing sideways comments about their 2 steady incomes. A lot of their pay goes to after-hours childcare, lawn-mowing, housekeeping — all the things they can’t accomplish with both adults working 60 hours a week.

The joke’s worn out. It’s 2016, people, many civilian spouses work too. Stop counting other people’s money.

They value their civilian milspouse friends.

Everyone needs off-duty friends. Your friendship is important to your active duty friends, even if you don’t see them as often as you might like.

Other than your professions, you have a lot in common with active-duty military spouses. Introduce yourself and invite them to be a part of your local milspouse community. Scratch that.

They already ARE a huge part of our beautiful, energetic, ever-changing military spouse community. If ever there was a generation willing to redefine what it means to be a military spouse, it’s ours.

We need to include them in the discussion.

We need to stop pretending we still live in a world that sends men off to war while women “hold down the home front.”

We need to take ownership of our community, look around for the absent voices and ask ourselves, “Are we all here?”

Megan RutellMegan spent 7 years in the Air Force, where she met her husband. She studied creative writing at the University of Denver and has a passion for young adult fiction. Her PCS essentials include her family, a notebook, her Kindle and a very large cup of coffee. You can read more of Megan’s writing on her creative blog, pageflutter.com.

Proposed BAH Cut Unfairly Targets Dual-Military Couples

By Leave a Comment

by Amanda, Guest Contributor

The military is trying to cut costs any way it can and by military we mean Congress. One of the newest proposals is to take away the second Basic Allowance for Housing (BAH) for dual-military married couples and reduce roommates to 75% of current BAH.

There is a movement to cut BAH across the board for all military members and most likely BAH will continue to decrease in the coming years, but to target specific groups and reduce or eliminate their BAH has such a small savings for the military and in my opinion, only hurts those trying to serve their country.

Reasons Why the Proposed Dual-Military BAH Cuts Are Unfair

BAH was created so that our military members would not be living in substandard housing areas. It was cheaper for the government to pay BAH than it was for them to construct living quarters. The original intent was not for BAH to cover all of your housing costs but some of your costs and it was never intended for the individuals to make money off the process.

However BAH has morphed through the years. The way BAH is written you get a set amount based on your ZIP code. It doesn’t matter if your rent is $800 or $2,000, whatever the set rate in your area is the amount you receive.

When I joined the Air Force I was told I would receive 3 things:

  • base pay
  • subsistence pay
  • housing

Taking one of these 3 things away because I was married to someone in the military would feel like discrimination. Married military members are such a small group of military it seems unfair to target them and it is as if the government is looking for a way to force them out.

The military already does not allow married members to draw double dislocation allowance and other various entitlements. These all seem like fair things to take away, but

to take away part of your pay that you could use to buy a nicer house or pay down debt, in my opinion, is unfair.

When my husband and I were both active duty and we did not have kids yet we made a good chunk of change and as we increased in rank so did our income. We were able to make an investment into a fairly nice house that we still own today. We were also able to build up our savings for the day when we planned for me to leave the Air Force and raise our family.

Doing the same job, but not receiving the same benefits.

If the proposed BAH cut was in effect when I was active duty, unmarried second lieutenants would be making about $10,000 more than me per year. If those people were married to someone not in the military the difference was closer to $12,000.* And having a spouse who worked does not penalize the amount of BAH you receive.

Some people believe it is unfair for dual-military couple to receive 2 BAHs. BAH was intended to provide housing and if you are married to someone in the military you should not receive two allowances, some would argue.

But dual-military couples are doing the same job as their co-workers, but will be receiving considerably less pay if this proposal is approved. The reasons people get married are for love, starting a family or joining 2 lives together as one. It’s not to receive a income bonus.

But a dual-income family in all sectors is better off than a single-family income.

With a dual income my husband and I were able to afford a nice house, cars and vacations. Once I stopped working to stay at home with our child, we had to make adjustments to live within our means. With my career in the military having such a high deployment tempo once my son was born leaving the military was an easy choice for me. Mil-mil families require a lot of sacrifice and I was unwilling to make those sacrifices. I could have left the military and continued to work in the private sector, but for our family it was best for me to stay at home and raise our son. It does require sacrifice, but it is the best choice for us.

No matter what side of the issue you stand on concerning the proposal BAH cuts, know this– this is the only the first round of BAH cuts.

Right now the government is targeting married service members and roommates. Next it will be across the board cuts. The cuts will keep coming.

Right now the best thing for military families is to stand together and support each other. It isn’t going to get easier and having more division will not help us.

What do you think of the proposed BAH cuts for dual-military couples and service member roommates? Do you think the proposal is discriminatory? Do you agree with it as a budgetary decision? Tell us in the comments. 

*For this example I used the 2nd Lieutenant BAH rates in Alamogordo, N.M., which has one of the lowest BAH rates I could find and the difference would only increase with pay rank and locations with higher BAHs. A captain would receive more than $13,000 per year.

Why I Left the Air Force to Be a SAHMHi I’m Amanda! I am a former Air Force member who has transitioned to being a stay at home mom and Air Force wife. My husband and I met in college in our military training program. Since then, we have lived in New Mexico and Ohio and now California. Our son joined our family in the summer of 2013. I blog at Airman2Mom with stories incorporating life experience from motherhood and daily life while occasionally throwing in my past letters home from my Afghanistan deployment. My goal is to inspire others on their life journey and hopeful find some encouragement along the way. I love making new friends and would be honored if you followed my blog, liked my Facebook page and followed me on Twitter.

12 Military Community Members We Can’t Afford to Overlook #OneMilFam

By 14 Comments

American flag out front, yellow ribbon around the tree, hands on hearts, eyes looking toward clear skies, smiles all around, a husband in uniform, a wife in a sundress, 2 kids–one boy and one girl, a dog and a picket white fence–the quintessential portrait of a military family, right?

Not the last time I checked.

As a community, today’s military family is long overdue for an identity rebrand.

If we are truly going to embrace the philosophy behind #OneMilFam, we must make sure that everyone has a seat at the table. That all stories are told. That everyone feels like they are part of our giant, amazing, loving military family community. We must challenge ourselves to break out and break away, not only from the outdated community and family policies of yesteryear, but from the images that perpetuate those policies.

If we want breakaway, if we want to break out of the 1950s mold, we have to ensure that our culture and traditions evolve along with our ever-changing and growing community landscape.

We cannot effectively meet the needs of our military community if the picture we use to inspire the policies, programs and support systems is out of date.  It’s time to take a new picture and we better make sure we have room for our military community members who should not ever be overlooked or excluded.

12 Military Community Members We Can't Afford to Overlook #OneMilFam

12 Military Community Members We Can’t Afford to Overlook

Male Military Spouses

Our brother military spouses are most definitely out there, we just need to find them…and invite them to places and events they actually want to attend, which means we have to reach out to them, talk to them and find out the places and events they want to attend.

It’s time to put down the pearls, twinsets and tea cups and find new ways to socialize. If they’re down for Bunco, do it. If they’d like to have an informal firepit and happy hour event, do that. If they want to do a pub crawl followed by a spa day, invite me. Whatever we do, we cannot ignore the fact that nine-percent of our military spouse population is male.

Lesbian, Gay, and Bisexual Military Spouses

With the fall of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell in 2011 followed by the repeal of section 3 of the Defense of Marriage Act in 2013 our LGB military spouses could finally come out of the shadows. With the help of The American Military Partner Association‘s unyielding advocacy and genius social media campaign showcasing LGBT military partners as examples of today’s modern military family, straight allies began their own journeys out of their own closets. Despite the fact that progress is being made for our LGBT community members, there is a ton of work left to do.

It is imperative that military spouse allies continue to vocally stand up and extend hands to our LGBT military spouses to let them know that we are #OneMilFam.

Transgender Military Spouses

Despite the fact that our transgender service members continue to serve in silence, transgender military spouses are in our community; many hidden still as the transgender community fights for acceptance, inclusion and equal protection under the law. We must not forget those we cannot see because seeing isn’t requisite for existence.

Mil-to-Mil Families

The recent news about the controversial proposal to cut Basic Allowance for Housing for mil-to-mil families (and unmarried service members) brought out a very eye-opening statistic:

20 percent of women on active duty are in dual-military couples compared with only 3.7 percent of active-duty men.

Our mil-to-mil families often fly under the radar, particularly in the military spouse community. We cannot forget that just as much as our dual-couples are service members, they’re military spouses too.

Child-free Military Families

Child-free by choice or by circumstance military families can definitely be the odd-couple-out when it comes to family-related events for the military community. It sometimes seems as if the word “family” became our military community’s code word for “kid-friendly.”

Dual Income Military Families

We’ll say it again (you can read the full What Do Millennial Military Families Want article here):

As simple as it sounds, creating a dual-career inclusive environment requires base leadership and organizations to approach day-to-day operations with a dual-career military family  in mind. Creating an inclusive environment includes not assuming married personnel have a stay-at-home spouse or even if they do have one, making sure that we foster an environment that goes beyond words when it comes to championing a healthy work-life blend.

Geo-bachelor Military Families

Split between 2 worlds, often part of our  DIMFs (Dual Income Military Families) or our EFMP families (see below) our geo-baching families are balancing 2 home fronts over the long-haul or the short-term. Sometimes brought on by short-tours or school/training requirements or due to military spouse employment requirements, our geo-bachelor families need to feel supported, included and considered.

EFMP Military Families

Military families with members who fall under the Exceptional Military Family Program are our warrior-advocates when it comes to championing the cause of health care and education for military families, and in particular, military children. Like most superheroes, you never know they exist until you absolutely need them. We must be mindful that EFMP military families are at the tip of the spear when it comes to helping non-EFMP families get quality health care and educational support services for our entire community.

Guard and Reserve Military Families

It was the title of Rheanna Christine’s piece on NextGen that really drove it home for us: Am I a Military* Spouse? As #OneMilFam it is imperative that we recognize, celebrate and include our sisters and brothers serving in the National Guard and Reserves AND their families.

By the way, Rheanna, you and every other Guard and Reserve military family can dropkick that asterisk. You are a military family, no asterisk required.

Non-Christian Military Community Members

This is not news. As diverse as our military community is the way we give thanks isn’t so inclusive and the faith systems (or lack thereof due to choice) that are represented in our community are changing. Consider this a call to mix-it up a bit or try that thing called separation of church and state.

Foreign-Born Military Spouses

Our globe-spanning community is no stranger to a transoceanic love story, but language and culture barriers keep our foreign-born and ESL military spouses isolated. Thanks to groups like Janet Sanchez’s Esposas Militares Hispanas USA Armed Forces that strive to breakdown language barriers that often keep our foreign-born spouses isolated from support and resources for jumping into to fill the gap.

Committed But Not Married Military Couples

Significant other does not equal military spouse. Understood. We cannot forget that a significant other, however, is extremely significant to the service member in the relationship. Resources are limited for significant others, but that doesn’t mean we can’t reach out to them and make them feel supported. We might not understand, they might not be an “official” part of our community, but one day they might be. We have the power to bring in eager team players or bitter isolators.

Let’s retire that old military family photo and schedule up a new session. Consider this your invitation. It’s time for us to show America what today’s military families really look like and loudly proclaim for all to hear that we are strong, we are proud, we are #OneMilFam.

What Do Millennial Military Families Want?

By Leave a Comment

The Christian Science Monitor recently published a must-read article that really hit home for many millennial military spouses. For military Millennials, ‘duty or child?’ is not just an issue for women. The piece opens with a single-mom service member asking why she has to face a choice between serving her country or keeping custody of her child.

As much as my heart hurt for this woman, I immediately thought, “Here we go, another article turning flexibility into a women’s issue,” but then it took a pleasantly unexpected turn,

…men were just as interested in the topic [workplace flexibility]. Members of [a panel created by the Air Force Chief of Staff] were ‘shocked’ at the number of male officers who sought them out asking to take part in focus groups, because they had something to say. This included men ‘who were frustrated that they felt culturally unable to do things like coach their kids’ little league teams, or take time off work to go to parent-teacher conferences…They wanted to be present–they didn’t want to just delegate that responsibility to a spouse.

As it turns out, many of these male focus group members were “men who wanted to marry someone who has a career.” Go figure. As more and more military spouses seek to maintain or pursue professional careers, the military is “gradually coming to terms” with the idea that the “stay-at-home, portable spouse” of yesteryear is fading away (overdue, I know) which begs the question:

Will military spouse employment become mission essential for recruiting, retaining, and transitioning millennial military service members?

As more and more millennials enter the military with their hallmark focus on quality of life, we can only expect that retired Lieutenant General David Bardo’s words in the Christian Science Monitor’s article will ring clear and true:

Their values are very much about quality of life. Moving every two years and not having a family–they’re not going to do that.

What we can guarantee is that service members WILL get married (more than 50% are married according to the 2013 DoD Demographics Report) and when these millennials marry career-minded partners, they’ll be making decisions concerning the military with two careers in mind. With recruitment, retention and retirement/transition on the line, the military has no choice but to examine the real costs they’ll face if they continue with the 1950s family model as the basis for their quality of life initiatives and programs.

According to a 2014 report from the White House’s Council of Economic Advisors, “more millennials have a college degree than any other generation of young adults” and want to “make a positive social impact on their own children and communities, as well as on society as a whole.”

We might have plenty of millennials willing to serve, but when that service is put against quality of life and maintaining positive tight-knit relationships with their families, millennials interested in military service might not consider enlisting or commissioning in the military a viable, or at the very least, sustainable choice for the long term.

We might see millennial military recruits willing to serve for 4 or 5 years, but when it comes to retaining the best and brightest millennial service members (who will likely marry the best and brightest spouses) willing to dedicate themselves to a military career, unless military culture changes, the DoD might find themselves scrambling to keep service members long enough to benefit from their leadership and talent.

millennials

How Do We Retain Our Millennial Military Service Members?

In the light of the findings from the Military Compensation and Retirement Modernization Commission (longest name ever), so much emphasis is being placed on promotions, sabbaticals, enlistment and retirement while military brass continues to miss the mark on the bread and butter of keeping millennials service members satisfied and willing to serve.

What if I told you that what millennial service members and their spouses really want is military culture to catch up with 21st century life? Dual-income families are the new normal for American families and our military families are no different. But is our military culture ready to embrace the millennial military family with two working spouses?

For those military spouses who shoulder the burden of constantly being the “flexible” career, we pay a pretty steep price when it comes to our upward mobility, earning potential and career satisfaction which ultimately impacts our serving spouse and influences her or his decision to continue their career in the military.

I can’t tell you how many conversations I’ve had with fellow military spouse professionals about the fact that our careers often fall secondary to our service member and not always because of a deployment or TDY, but because of questions like,

Don’t you have a wife for that?

Forgive the sexist language;  91% of military spouses are women and for those of us who work outside the home, or heck, even inside the home, the assumption is that we, the milspouse, exist to liberate our serving spouse from the logistics of every day life, including parenting, despite the fact that our spouses very much want to be hands-on, involved and supportive spouses.

It’s not just about modernizing compensation and retirement; we have to get down to day-to-day operations  that impact military service members and their families.

As simple as it sounds, creating a dual-career inclusive environment requires base leadership and organizations to approach day-to-day operations with a dual-career military family  in mind. Creating an inclusive environment includes not assuming married personnel have a stay-at-home spouse or even if they do have one, making sure that we foster an environment that goes beyond words when it comes to championing a healthy work-life blend.

Keep the Momentum Going Millennials

At the same time, millennial military service members and their families can’t expect or demand change unless we are willing to show up and engage the military community at whole. The more we isolate ourselves from our installation communities by choosing to not participate in military community life activities and traditions, the less likely we are to see a military community culture change. Consider living on base, attending functions that work with your schedules and speaking up when the opportunities present itself! Educate! Engage!

We all need to work together. We need to meet in the middle. Things are changin’. If we want things to continue to change we need to keep the momentum going.

What does the DoD need to know about millennial service members and their spouses?

Why I Left the Air Force to Be a SAHM

By Leave a Comment

by Amanda, Guest Contributor

When I was tagged with my deployment to Afghanistan one of the first things someone suggested to me was to try and find a way to get out of it.

Get pregnant or say I was hurt or something, anything to not have to go, but in my mind I had signed up to serve my country. I had signed the dotted line saying whatever you ask I will do. I could not and would not go against my integrity and try to get out of the deployment tagged for me. Even when I was given an opportunity to back out and have someone take my place, I chose to go.

My deployment was not what I had expected to be tasked with when joining the Air Force. This was an Army augmented deployment and when I Googled Provincial Reconstruction Team, one of the first articles I found was about an engineer out on a mission getting shot in the arm. My excitement was dissuaded. Shall we say…good feeling gone.

Before I left, people had told me deploying was just like being on a business trip. I think they were down playing the emotional strain that deployments take. My yearlong deployment changed everything about my future and the choices I made. Deployment changes you, often for the better, but it is still a change you have to deal with. You likely won’t be the same person when you return.

Why I Left the Air Force to Be a SAHM

So when I got pregnant with my son and knew my deployment window would pop back green about 6 months after his arrival, the only question was when was I leaving my Air Force career. Not if, when.

I knew staying in the military was saying yes to whatever the Air Force asked of me and that would likely be more than I would want to give. So for me the choice to leave the Air Force was an easy one. Well it was an easy decision, it was not easy to leave behind who I had become and the identity I would leave behind. That is why it was harder to choose to stay home with my son than it was to actually leave the military.

I did not fully understand or appreciate the role of a military spouse and mom.

The hard days…The only thing I saw was play dates and boredom to accompany my days. And leaving behind the person who was so much more, a contributor to society, a leader, engineer, with accolades and all.

I fought my choice to stay home after deciding to leaving the Air Force by going to one career fair after another, with each one bringing me understanding of the sacrifice working moms require.

Flexibility of schedules would be gone and commuting and traveling would be required. So after realizing the transition would work better if I decided to spend some time at home after my little ones’ arrival, I made the choice to stay home. My plan was to start looking for a job again in January 3 months after leaving active duty.

But then you know how life goes when you have a husband who is in the military. Plans change.

The first big blow was the 8 weeks of training 8 weeks after my son arrived. Parenting an infant alone seriously almost killed me and at the least definitely humbled me. The books were not helpful and were probably causing more anxiety and stress. The child was not sleeping and each day felt like I was climbing a mountain only to fall back down each night and start all over again. Somehow we made it through.

The thought of having to work full time and manage an infant with my husband far way seemed like more than a Herculean task.

Let’s push that job hunt back a few months more. And then as I started to find my footing the Air Force threw us another unexpected curve ball, a move to a new city and town. We weighed the pros and cons of working or staying at home and no matter how we racked and stacked everything, the choice to continue to stay home always won in the end.

Now I am neck deep in laundry, chores and fun. I would not change anything, well except maybe his sleep habits. I am learning more each day and growing and changing.

Being a stay-at-home mother isn’t really where I expected to end up and definitely not what I thought it would be, but it the best choice for our family now so it is the best choice for me.

Did you trade military service for motherhood? What factors did you take into considerations when making this decision? 

Why I Left the Air Force to Be a SAHMHi I’m Amanda! I am a former Air Force member who has transitioned to being a stay at home mom and Air Force wife. My husband and I met in college in our military training program. Since then, we have lived in New Mexico and Ohio and now California. Our son joined our family in the summer of 2013. I blog at Airman2Mom with stories incorporating life experience from motherhood and daily life while occasionally throwing in my past letters home from my Afghanistan deployment. My goal is to inspire others on their life journey and hopeful find some encouragement along the way. I love making new friends and would be honored if you followed my blog, liked my Facebook page and followed me on Twitter.

Connect with us!

Listen Now!

Apple PodcastsGoogle PodcastsAndroidRSSMore Subscribe Options

MSB New Media | NextGen MilSpouse

Advertise