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How to Live with Anxiety as a Military Spouse

May 2, 2017 By Guest Contributor 1 Comment

 

by Jana Wanner, Guest Contributor

How to Live with Anxiety as a Military Spouse

As someone who suffers from anxiety, I know it can be difficult to be married into the military lifestyle.

The millions of unknown possibilities of PCSing.

Or not PCSing.

Spouses on frequent TDYs, frequent deployments, frequent field time, frequent training.

Housing woes.

Health care troubles.

And doing most things on your own while your service member is away.

It’s a whirlwind of unknowns and possibilities, which can make your anxiety skyrocket. I know having anxiety is a taboo subject, and we aren’t supposed to talk about it. But, I’m here to talk about it.

There was a time that I was ashamed of having anxiety.

Canceling plans with friends.

Racing heart when I felt scared or nervous, sometimes even out of the blue for what seemed like no reason at all.

The feeling of constantly needing to be accepted by your peers, other military spouses or your spouse’s family.

Avoiding small talk. Shutting down and getting quiet when you’re around big crowds or around people you don’t know.

The constant questioning yourself,

“Wow, did I really just say that? I look like an idiot right now.”

And my favorite,

“Did I just do something wrong?”

If this is you, keep reading.

If this isn’t you, keep reading anyway. It may help you when you find yourself around military spouses who have anxiety.

How to Live with Anxiety as a Military Spouse

When I used to cancel on my friends (or when I still do it sometimes) it’s always a good thing to remind them that my anxiety is not something I can control. Anxiety does a lot of things to those of us that suffer. It’s easy for those who don’t have anxiety to say “Just suck it up and do what you need to do.”

Let’s put it this way. If you have a fear of snakes and someone puts you in a room full of snakes…are you still going to be able to do what you need to do? Will you be able to sit in this room and put on makeup without fear? Or cook dinner without fear of the snakes in the room? Or even send an email? No. You will be focused on your fear of snakes the entire time and you will be figuring out any possible way to get out of that room as fast as you can.

This is what people with anxiety go through. All day. All the time. There is no escaping your fears. No matter how unrealistic these fears seem to other people, they are very real to those experiencing anxiety on a daily basis.

We feel trapped, constantly in fear, with no way out.

And when you do have a way out (canceling plans because they seem too tedious at the time) you run as fast as you can.

The constant questioning yourself is another harsh reality that you face with anxiety. Here’s a fun story. It wasn’t fun at the time, but I can laugh at myself now.

A few years ago, I went to a ball with my husband. I was quietly sitting at the table, reading the plan of events from the program. As many with anxiety know, this is a coping mechanism some of us use in order to keep from making eye contact or awkward small talk.

Next thing I know, someone is tapping my shoulder. It was the sergeant major of my husband’s unit. He had been standing there holding his hand out (from what I understand, for at least a minute) smiling and waiting for me to look up. I had no idea. I felt like a complete idiot. I immediately shook his hand, smiled and apologized profusely.

The entire night, I was thinking “I am such an idiot! I just embarrassed myself and my husband!” In reality, it was a light-hearted moment. At the time, I did not think of it that way. And the truth is, he probably completely forgot about it after walking away.

But I dwelled on that moment for the entire night. Oh, who am I kidding? I dwelled on it for an entire month.

That’s the reality of anxiety. We dwell on things, no matter how trivial these things are sometimes.

You should never let anyone tear you apart because of your anxiety. One time, someone said to me, “Well if your marriage is fine, if your finances are fine, and everything in your life seems pretty perfect to anyone looking in, how can you possibly suffer from anxiety?”

It doesn’t work that way, people.

Those of us with anxiety have suffered our fair share of traumatic events, probably early on in childhood. Or maybe a major traumatic event as an adult (or several).

In my case, it was many years of traumatic events from childhood. Only my husband will ever know some of these events. I will never speak to anyone, other than my husband, about them. Those events set me up for anxiety and panic attacks later in life. Throw in the unexpected realities from military life and anxiety and panic attacks are going to happen, whether I expect them at the time or not.

So for people to not know what you have gone through, it should not be of their concern why you suffer from anxiety. You owe no one any explanation. If they truly love you or care for you, they will accept you, anxiety and all. And if they truly love you and care for you, they will work closely with you to figure out how to get through your most anxious moments.

If you’re around someone who isn’t talking much or if they are shutting down after you have had a lengthy conversation with them while in a big crowd of people, they aren’t being rude. They aren’t thinking that they hate you.

They are busy trying to figure out if they are being judged.

They are busy trying to make a quick exit to go re-charge, so that they can possibly come back to talk to you later. Or maybe they just ran out of things to say.

Those of us with anxiety have big hearts. That’s because we can feel pain more than others. We may be sensitive, but we love deeply.

If you have anxiety, you are not alone. There is help. Visit your doctor for a referral for cognitive behavior therapy or other treatment options. There is help if you feel like your anxiety is getting worse.

Please do not feel ashamed because there is no shame in getting help. There are many who suffer from anxiety and it’s not as taboo as it once was!

And for those of you on the outside looking in on those of us with anxiety: We may not always show it or some people may not see it, but we are listening. We are paying attention. We have feelings too. More than you will ever know.

My name is Jana and I am a stay at home mom with 2 great kids and a wonderful husband.  We are currently stationed in Georgia. I love traveling the world with my husband, no matter where the Army sends us.  I also love to write, I love wine, and I love the 90s.

Filed Under: Articles, Self, Slider, Wellness Tagged With: anxiety, Army spouse, Confessional, guest contributor, married to the military, mental health, Pushing Your Limits

8 Reasons Why Military Spouses Need to Chill Out

July 1, 2015 By Jo Leave a Comment

For most of my life, I’ve considered myself a really chill, calm person. I can roll with a lot of punches. As a teacher, I could calm down some of my angriest students because I didn’t yell or scream at them. I don’t get upset about most things. And then in October, after not being able to breathe properly for almost 2 months, I was diagnosed with a panic disorder.

I figured the doctor must have had it wrong. Not me.

But after more tests, it was confirmed: I really do have a panic disorder. The doctor said it might have been triggered from stress—perhaps a lot of stress. (Gee, I wonder where that could be coming from?) And the more I talked to the doctor, the better I was at coming to terms with it. And the more I realized that I really need to learn how to manage my stress better so that I can be a healthier and happier person who can actually breathe.

It’s sad but comforting, too: I’m not alone. Americans have a notoriously tough time taking a break, even when we know that we should. We take a certain pride in always being busy, always being uber-productive, always going-going-going. Especially military spouses.

But the truth is, we’re not Energizer Bunnies.

Military Spouses are people, too! <cue surprise faces everywhere> We need to recognize that there is a real benefit and value to taking time away from our computers, cell phones and desks.

The Case for the Chill Pill: 8 Reasons Why All Military Spouses Need to Chill Out

8 Reasons Why Military Spouses Need to Chill Out

Science Says You Need It

You literally need time to rest your brain. I’m not talking about sleep, I’m talking about good, old-fashioned R&R for the grey matter between your ears. It’s been proven that when your brain is idle, it will work to solve problems while you’re daydreaming, will organize and store information that you’ve taken in and will actually help to improve your memory. Those are all great reasons for allowing yourself a little downtime.

We’re Working Harder, Relaxing Less

According to a study by Forbes, American workers took an average of 20.3 vacation days in 2000. Just 13 years later, the average worker was only taking off 16 days.

You’re Helping The Man

In that same Forbes study, it was discovered that Americans discarded 169 million paid time-off days in 2013 (the most recent year available). 169 million days. Every single one of those days’ benefits were surrendered which means that American workers essentially gave $52.4 billion back to their employers by not taking advantage of their paid vacation days. That breaks down to about $500 in free labor for every single working American.

Your Body Needs It

Relaxing can help you maintain a healthy weight, reduce stress, keep your heart healthy, improve and maintain your immune system, reduce your risk of a stroke, make better decisions and judgments, reduce flare-ups of skin problems like acne and psoriasis and make you feel more romantic. Pretty good reasons for some downtime, huh?

Your Relationships Need It

Stress can put strains on relationships, especially if both people in that relationship are under a great deal of stress. Taking some time for fun and relaxation can improve both your strong and struggling relationships. Laughter and creating memories together can help two people resolve conflict and strengthen bonds that are already positive.

Your Family Needs It

Feeling refreshed and rejuvenated can help you become a level-headed, more understanding and more forgiving parent. Since parents set the tone for the way relationships and interactions should be treated and maintained, being able to think clearly and be your best self is really important.

Related: Stop Worrying About It. Seriously. Stop It. 

It Breaks the Cycle

Chilling out by going on vacation can actually break your stress cycle. According to Psychology Today, “We emerge from a successful vacation feeling ready to take on the world. We gain perspective on our problems, get to relax with our families and friends and get a break from our usual routines.”

Vacation is essentially a reset button. Use it.

You’ll Work Harder

More rest and relaxation means a lower possibility of burn-out at your job. And believe it or not, taking some time off for you will make you more productive. An internal study by Ernst & Young’s employees “found that for each additional 10 hours of vacation employees took, their year-end performance ratings from supervisors…improved by 8 percent.” I don’t know about you, but that’s a good enough reason for me!

I’ll admit it—I am still doing a mediocre job at relaxing. It’s hard for me to turn my brain off and just be. I’m working on it and I’m hoping to work on it more this summer.

What are you doing to make time for yourself this summer? How do you make relaxation a priority in your life?

Filed Under: Articles, Monthly Theme, Slider Tagged With: anxiety, dealing with stress, relaxation, Self-Care, summer vacation, Take a Chill Pill, wellness, working milspouse

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