As milspouses, we often throw around the word “drama” a lot. Okay, a-lot-a-lot. I think that one of the biggest issues in the military spouse community is not necessarily drama, it’s bullying.
I believe that what we call “drama” is really just bullying being masked as drama.
Don’t believe me? Just take a spin around Google, or Twitter, or even Facebook. There are a number of sites dedicated to military spouses tearing down other military spouses. And no, I won’t link to those pages because I’d hate to give them the satisfaction of increasing their site traffic. If you haven’t seen them, just take my word for it. They exist.
The worst part? Those bullying sites are considered entertainment. Entertainment. How pathetic. The targets of those sites are real people with real lives and the comments and rumor mongering can leave a horrible, and sometimes, permanent mark on lives.
MilSpouse Bullying
There are just so many things that some military spouses bully other military spouses over. As we discussed on facebook, many of us have experienced milspouse bullying first hand. Here are just a few examples:
- They bully unmarried partners because they aren’t a milspouse yet and have no idea what it’s really all about
- Bullying milspouses by playing the “who had it worst” or “you don’t know what a real deployment is” or “my separation was longer than yours” game
- Judging milspouse life choices concerning career, education, homeschooling, or staying at home
- Pulling rank or patronizing a spouse motivated by rank or the ever-present enlisted/officer divide
- Excluding military spouses from events or clubs, like in the case of Ashley Broadway and the Association of Bragg Officer’s Spouses.
Stop MilSpouse Bullying In Its Tracks
We don’t tolerate our children being bullies (or, at least, we shouldn’t) so why is it any different as adults? We might think that adults are capable of handling themselves and it’s none of our business, but you don’t outgrow having your feelings hurt with along your Superman jammies.
One of the most powerful things you can do is to take a stand and have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to bullying. Don’t allow it happen around you or to you.
Don’t stand by and silently witness a milspouse tearing down another milspouse. And remember, just because that guy you met at the deployment ceremony is “just dating” his soldier doesn’t mean he can’t relate to you, and just because that girl you met at a social event is just going through a 2 month TDY while you are going through a 9 month deployment doesn’t mean she can’t miss her husband.
We are all equals in this crazy thing called loving someone who serves their country. We need each other. We need all strength, support, and understanding we can get regardless of our life’s journey. Remember, after all, we are OneMilFam.
Have you witnessed milspouse bullying? How do you think we can best address this problem? Share your thoughts with us!
Krista
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Yes. Yes. Yes.
I couldn’t agree more. I get a lot of crap from spouses because I work. I’ve been asked why I work. If I work because we’re horrible with money and have financial issues. If I work because I don’t trust my husband. If I work because I don’t really like my child.
I’m judged because my daughter isn’t biologically my husband’s. He’s been in her life since she was a year old (She’s 6 now) and is her Dad as her biological father isn’t involved. We’ve been married for three years and have not had a child. I’m asked often why I won’t “give him a kid of his own”, if I’m infertile, if I’m being selfish, if I’m too worried about gaining weight, if I don’t trust him. He and I are happy with how our family is now and have no plans to change it anytime soon.
I was lectured a few months ago because I wasn’t distraught that my husband popped orders for a remote tour a couple weeks after returning from deployment. I handle deployment differently than many people and enjoy the experience and knowing he’s doing what he wants to do. To a lot of spouses, this means I am either cheating because I don’t get upset when he’s not home or that I’m just using him for benefits or don’t actually love him.
I keep to myself, I work full time and I busy myself with volunteering, reading and feeding my fashion addiction. This makes me a snob apparently.
I’m also secure in my relationship and don’t fear my husband cheating while overseas. This means I am stupid because I don’t check his email or Facebook and I don’t call him daily. (If you call them, they can’t cheat apparently) I’ve been told I am giving him “too much freedom” and that I will have to accept the fact that all men cheat while overseas.
How can we fix this?
Hobbies and self esteem. Bullies need to feel superior. So they bring down others they see as a threat or as someone smaller than them. If they make others feel like crap, they feel better.
So we need to teach spouses that we’re all in this together. Everyone is different. No relationship is the same. What happens to you, doesn’t happen to everyone. Find the good in the world. Celebrate that.
Focus on yourself and making yourself a better person instead of focusing on others flaws.
Get a hobby, get something that makes you feel accomplished.
Amen, lady! I think sometimes “we are all in this together” translates to “we are all the same” which we are not. You are right every marriage, relationship and person is different.
It sounds like the people you know are insecure in their own lives and are threatened by your confidence, it sounds to me like you have it together and just have the misfortune of knowing a lot of insecure people.
People are going to judge whatever they can.
I’m in the “judged because we’re not married” camp. I recently moved from Texas, where I was working on my Masters degree to Washington… Somewhere I’ve never been and don’t know anyone, to be with my boyfriend. I get judged for doing that without a ring on it. The ring will come. I am going to finish school here. We’ve been together over a year, it’s not like I did this after only knowing him for 3 weeks or something.
And Christina, we deal with the judgment all the time. My bf has a son who will be 4 in Feb, I’m not his mom. My son just turned 2 on Monday and my bf isn’t his dad. My son calls my bf “daddy” because he’s the only father figure he’s ever known. His son calls me Brandi. We always get “so when are you two going to have a kid together?” Um… None ya biz. Lol
You’ll get to the marriage thing when you get there. I personally think it took some major cajones to move to WA without a ring on it, so good for you. And I hope you finish your degree! And I think it’s cute that T$ calls your bf “daddy.”
Don’t worry about what everyone else says, just do what makes you happy and what makes life easier.
This sounds like the whining of every mil spouse “support” page that I’ve come across. You cannot expect hundreds or thousands of people to agree. Disagreeing isn’t drama or bullying – it’s just stating one’s opinion. How about a blog related to censorship on mil spouse pages??? The “if you don’t agree, you’re banned” policy? Sometimes the answer isn’t “oh, I’m so sorry”, sometimes the realistic answer is “put on your big girl panties and suck it up”. Most pages want you to ignore common sense for the sake of being “drama free”. That isn’t help, it’s blowing smoke up each other’s asses.
We definitely agree that not everyone is going to agree at all times or ever. Nor are we naive enough to think that milsposues are all going to hold hands and sing Kumbayah. However, there’s a big difference between respectfully disagreeing with someone and forcing your opinion on someone else. I can understand how frustrating it is to be censored and I can tell you that as long as you have something constructive to add to the conversation on NextGen, in a respectful manner, you won’t see censorship here.
Adrianna,
I’d take it a step further… it’s not just forcing your opinion on someone else that is the problem, it is actively tearing others down, being purposefully hurtful and disrespectful. As military spouses we should hold ourselves accountable to the very same values that the military holds dear: loyalty, duty, RESPECT, selfless service, honor, INTEGRITY, and personal courage (Army).
Absolutely! I couldn’t have said it any better!
There is a LOT of bullying going on between military spouses and I think this problem needs much more exposure. Not sweeping under the rug as simple disagreement. I’ve personally witnessed CPT. Spouses targeting the reputations of Senior NCO spouses via rumor and innuendo in order to keep them out of what they consider “their” FRG. I’ve seen Officer spouses refuse to sit at a table in a social situation with enlisted spouses because they consider themselves “different” than the enlisted spouse. I’ve seen spouses black-balled from social events because the mean girls only want their friends to attend even though the un-invited spouses know the events are taking place and they are purposely being left out. This IS bullying and there is plenty of it going on. When spouses put themselves and each other into “classes” or “categories” or “boxes” and then treat people differently based off that class, category or box it’s wrong! Gossiping about another spouse with the intent to spread titilating information whether its true or not, in the attempt to make someone look bad or feel bad IS bullying. Making someones life so miserable that they don’t feel comfortable participating in unit events, IS bullying. In the end all spouses are simply that. A spouse. A dependent of a soldier and are all equal. Bullying in any way shape or form should be considered 100% unacceptable.
You are absolutely right, and it’s hard to know how to handle these types of situations as adults. How do you handle an adult bully with out being a bully yourself. It’s a hard situation all around. I don’t know that there is any answer but I hope that more and people see it for what it is and bring attention to it so that it happens less.
I’m in the “just a girlfriend” camp, too. (I recently got my first hate comment on my blog about being “just a girlfriend.”) I’ve learned to just ignore it; I tell myself it’s OK because I have amazing friends (both military spouses and civilians) and have never been one to have a TON of people around me. But one thing bugs me – at some point, they were dating their soldier/sailor/Marine (unless they were an arranged marriage) and they seem to have forgotten what it’s like.
Sorry to hear about the nasty comment, that’s always the worst! Good friends make everything better. One thing I’m sure you will never do is bully another spouse for being “just a girlfriend” which is great, and I hope more spouses do the same. And I definitely don’t forget being a girlfriend, it was no cakewalk.
I haven’t had this experience at all, in fact, I’ve felt nothing but supported by the military SO’s I’ve met. However, I’ve noticed that milso bullying is rife on Twitter where it’s easy to be anonymous and not have to take any responsibility or deal with repercussions. I cannot stand reading all of the negative comments, so I just unfollow them. It sounds so simple, but if we all do it every time we notice bullying online, they won’t have megaphone to use to blast other people.
I hate twitter and all of the “anon” drama lately.
But you are very lucky to have never experienced or seen the bullying in real life. It’s 100x worse in real life than on twitter.
*its, not “it’s”* It’s = it is.
I love this site but seriously, get a copy editor. It’s really hard to take any of these posts seriously when they can’t manage to write using correct grammar, vocabulary and spelling. When you operate online the way you write, including use of grammar and use of vocabulary and punctuation, creates the public perception of your business. When you write poorly it reflects badly on your business.
Thanks for the catch. We fixed it.
Love this! Honestly, I think a class needs to be held just for military spouses on how to conduct yourself. Even if people don’t want to admit it, the way you behave reflects on the military member, the spouse, the children, and the whole military community.