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Confession: PCSing Is Bad For My Health

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There are many reasons people complain about PCSing. Some comment that the moves comes too frequently. Others bemoan the time and energy involved. Still more note that their household goods get ruined. Me? I find that I’m failing to take care of myself.

That’s why I’m declaring that PCSing is bad for my health!

I went to the doctor the other day for an issue with my foot. It had been a problem for a long while, so I finally did the grown-up thing and called to get an appointment. While there, I realized that my birthday was coming up and so I should probably schedule a mammogram. The first question they ask you is, “When was your last one?” I replied that it was last May. I thought I was doing pretty well considering it was October. But when the receptionist asked where I last had the procedure done, I realized that it was at our last base. And that means that it was more than a year and a half ago.

When I'm PCSing, there are WAY more pressing things to do than to find a doctor or schedule a dentist appointment.

The realization dawned on me that this is not the first time that my health care has gone by the wayside.

Every time I move, there are more pressing things to do than to find a doctor.

Where is the grocery store? Down the street. Is it closer than the commissary? Is it worth the drive? Starbucks? Gotta find the closest one!

But ultimately, I know that first and foremost is unpacking my household goods. I find myself putting items away at a blistering speed. I hate the sight of all those boxes and paper lying around the house. By the weekend, I’m pestering my spouse to hang pictures and curtains. If I had my way, every box would be unpacked by that first weekend.

Then I must enroll the kids in school. With that comes all the secondary tasks to go along with it. If it’s the summer, I have to still buy school supplies and new clothes. Like many of us, I wouldn’t buy notebooks and pencils beforehand because that’s just one more thing to pack or keep track of. Then there’s the job of keeping them occupied while I wait for school to start.

I also need to schedule THEM for a school physical and that is a herculean task considering all of the students who have been at our new location have scheduled their exam much earlier so the pickings are slim at the base hospital. Do I dare try a walk-in clinic or do I rearrange all those well-laid summer plans to take the first available appointment? Each time it seems like I make the wrong choice but c’est la vie! Check that box off!

Next on my list is finding a dentist for the family. Here is where I find I can put myself in the mix. But of course, there are no appointments for a month out. Add that to the fact that it took a month or two to get to this point in my PCS move and I’m now three to four months past my regularly scheduled time.

But hey, that’s better than a year and a half, right?

Now the kids are in school, the house is unpacked, and I can go on with my life. When I worked full-time, the days were occupied with that and when I was done, I’d fill the rest of my time with the kids and their activities. Working part-time usually meant that I clocked in, worked, clocked out and then ran errands or volunteered until it was time for the kids to come home from school. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I filled my days with tasks that revolved around the kids.

In each scenario, I was my last priority.

Even though I nagged my spouse to see a physician at every issue, I didn’t do the same. Nor did I worry about yearly physicals for him since he is required to do so. I marked that as a small victory; I wasn’t responsible for that task.

I nag my spouse to see a doctor, but I don’t schedule an appointment for myself.

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When I'm PCSing, there are WAY more pressing things to do than to find a doctor or schedule a dentist appointment.

Just like the NyQuil commercial that says “Moms don’t take sick days,” I don’t take sick days. And since I don’t take time off for colds, I don’t go to the doctor often. That translates into never calling the doctor’s office.

Milspouses don’t get sick days — especially during a PCS.

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And that means that I forget to make appointments for my well-being.

The only positive result of my neglect is that the American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommend that you get a pap smear every three years. But I can’t get too excited. They still require that I see my OB every year. My little victory is still a failure.

The moral of my tale is don’t be like me.

Moving around the country or the world is a great experience and I need to be healthy to enjoy it.

Next time I PCS, the order of importance is: Find a Starbucks, call the doctor, and then get to the commissary! (I can only improve so much.)

8 Events Every Military Spouse Should Experience At Least Once

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There are so many wonderful aspects of military life. And after taking an informal poll of seasoned spouses from across the military services, I found that there are 8 events that every military spouse or significant other should experience (at least once).

8 Events Every Military Spouse Should Experience At Least Once

8 Events Every Military Spouse Should Experience At Least Once

Enlistment/Re-enlistment/Commissioning

While this is an understated affair without most of the pomp and circumstance, it is still an important event in every enlisted service member’s career. There is at least an officer, a flag and the person taking the oath. What makes this event special is the fact that there is a person who is willing to defend our country. If it is a re-enlistment, that person has again committed themselves to our nation.

Promotion

A promotion is an advance in rank and shows the ability of that person to perform at the next rank. The highlight is when the person has his or her rank pinned-on. Most kids have fun with this step, especially if they get to punch on the new rank. As with the previous event, the size can range from small to a huge party.

8 Events Every Military Spouse Should Experience At Least Once

Graduation

There are various types of graduations out there in the military. For the enlisted side of the house, their first introduction into the ranks is graduation from Basic Training. Seeing those troops march across the parade field is a feeling like none other. And for those SOs, it may be the first time they are introduced to the military. Welcome!

Then there is graduation from various training schools. These are similar to a high school or college graduation in terms of speakers and walking across the stage to receive a diploma. I’m not trying to diminish the impact but it would help if you knew what to expect.

If you want something with more pizzazz, try to attend a service academy graduation. This is a multi-day celebration with parades, fly-overs, ceremonies, as well as the actual graduation. I’ve been lucky enough to see one before I was married, and I’ll have the privilege of attending another when my daughter graduates in 2019.

If you want a graduation with pizzazz, attend a service academy graduation.

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8 Events Every Military Spouse Should Experience At Least Once

Change of Command

I’m sorry to say that I hadn’t attended one of these until my spouse took command but I wish I had. It is extremely impressive to see all the troops lined up in the back of the room during the ceremony. Also, you get to hear all the great things that the people are doing in that environment as well as the history of the unit. And if you’re super lucky, there is a huge American flag hanging in the background. If that doesn’t make you sing your branch’s song louder, I don’t know what will.

Homecoming

Nothing says “military” like watching the troops come home. We’ve all seen the videos and the photos from these military homecomings but the emotion is palpable when there in person. My kids loved making signs for their dad. And the anticipation that the day was finally here was almost too much for them. It is exhilarating to see them come off their transport.

Nothing says “military” like watching the troops come home.

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But don’t forget that you don’t need to have a loved one deployed to attend one. You can go and support those spouses or SOs who do. As an example, you can take photos of the event for them so they can concentrate on giving that person a big hug and kiss when they see them.

Socials

Many spouses will tell you that nothing fosters a sense of belonging in this spread out community like a social. These can range from coffees to unit events to straight up parties. This is a great way to meet and know others in the same boat. But don’t feel pressured to attend; there is no requirement to do so.

When I finally decided to attend an event, I stuck to my spouse like glue. It wasn’t until a few years later that I finally felt comfortable enough to spread my wings on my own. Just remember: if you would/wouldn’t do something in the civilian world, the same applies to military life.

Retirement

To me, this is the saddest/happiest occasion ever. It doesn’t matter if I knew the person or not. People come from near and far to celebrate the person who is retiring. Major events are recapped and then there can be a flag folding ceremony. This is where I lose it. As a spouse, you understand how lucky that person was to be receiving a flag while alive; you are grateful for that.

In spite of all the somberness, there can be levity too. This may come during the stories told about that person. I usually find that when the spouses come up to receive their retirement pin, they try to diffuse the situation. Once, I heard a spouse call to her husband at the end, “RTB!” Which means “return to base.” She was ready for her spouse to be home.

Military Ball/Dining Out

To counter the last number, you have to recognize that a military ball is something to behold. This is a chance for you to dress up in formal wear and enjoy a night out. There is a cocktail hour beforehand and dancing at the end. In between, there is eating, socializing and listening to the speaker. And having your spouse in uniform? I don’t know that there’s anything better.

Even though I’ve listed 8 events, there are, of course, many others to experience. They range from volunteering to visiting a military cemetery. You are a part of something bigger when you marry into the military so take advantage of the special opportunities you have. You’ll remember why your spouse is doing this and you may feel a part of it too.

You can read more about Karen’s adventures as an Air Force wife by clicking here. NextGen MilSpouse readers love her comparison to military life and a gym membership along with her encouragement to live outside your comfort zone. 

 

Confession: My Fifty Shades Fantasy

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I have a fantasy that I’m afraid to act out on but I know there are others like me who dream about it too.

The “Fifty Shades of Grey” books have nothing on our longing. My fantasy doesn’t even take advanced planning. The benefits highly outweigh the costs involved. Just like Ana in those “Fifty Shades” books, the yearning is so strong that there are days when I can think of nothing else.

It is an all-consuming fire that makes going about my day a challenge.

What’s holding me back? Maybe fear of ridicule? Fear of gossip? Fear of being labeled a bad mother?

Or maybe it’s just being brave enough to go through with my fantasy.

My dream started soon after my wedding. We were married in our early 20s, children quickly followed, and we were far away from family. Those factors combined to feed my pipe dream. I call it a pipe dream because I don’t know that it will ever come true.

My husband doesn’t understand it. He can’t comprehend why I would want to act on it and I don’t know why he can’t see why going through with it is so important to my mental health.

Doesn’t he want to make me happy? “Happy wife, happy life” after all. We have had countless arguments and discussions over my wish. And still after many years; I’m unfulfilled in my need.

My craving usually takes root about a month into a deployment or TDY.

It’s a combination of loneliness and stress that triggers it. And even though I know it’s coming, I can’t stop it. The kids are demanding, my work from home job is monotonous and I’m just plain tired.

I am pulled in too many directions at once and I can’t see straight. That’s when I turn inward and that longing takes a hold.

This is a humorous look at one military spouse's fantasy. Do you have a similar fantasy? Have you ever acted on this desire?

(Warning! The next few paragraphs are graphic.)

My fantasy goes like this.

I hop in the car and drive away, leaving my husband and kids back at the house. I don’t even bother looking in the rear view mirror because if I do, I might not go through with it. Then I drive to the hotel where I made my reservation and check in. Maybe I’d let the valet park my car but that might be taking it too far. The front desk people don’t even flinch when I tell them that I don’t need help with my luggage. I’ve brought so little, you see. “Have an enjoyable stay,” they offer. Don’t worry. I intend to. As I take the elevator up to my room, I’m giddy with anticipation.

When I open the door, I sigh with relief. I really did it.

My fantasy is finally coming true!!!

I am alone. It’s amazing that something so simple can be so satisfying.

There is no one calling “Mommy!” There is no one requiring me to cook a meal. Deadlines are in the past. There is only me with my thoughts and/or a good book.

No one is calling “mommy!”

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Maybe I’ll sleep in.

Maybe I’ll sit by the pool.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll watch a television show.

My spouse doesn’t get it. I would talk about how he was free of the kids while on TDY. While I understood that he missed his children and wanted to be with them, he didn’t understand my desire to be unburdened. I knew he was still working but there is a freedom there. I wanted freedom and I wanted it badly. Working from home gives you no respite from the constant demands of motherhood. I yearned for a break and a single night out utilizing a babysitter wasn’t going to cut it. There needed to be an extended hiatus for it to count as checking off that box.

My spouse would counter my argument with his own –

“You take the kids to our parents’ houses. Doesn’t that count as a break?”

It may seem like it to him but as we all know, when you do that, you still have to be “on.” Even though it’s family, there is not always an easy way to relax.

Not only that but I have to actually get to my parent’s house. That means a plane ride, which incorporates into a car ride TO the airport and then corralling the kids while waiting to board the plane. That in turn translates into keeping the kids occupied on the plane and then finally arriving at our destination.

Then, and only then, can I “send the kids to grandma.”

Escaping to grandma’s house isn’t a break for me.

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It’s not that I didn’t love my children. I did and I do. There is just a need to forget it all sometimes.

That’s what a fantasy is after all-an escape from reality. And sometimes we just need to fantasize to get though our daily lives.

Who else feels like I do?

What I Learned At Alice’s Circular Summit

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The two-day Circular Summit is the brainchild of Alice’s founder, Carolyn Rodz, and its president, Elizabeth Gore. These two women have created a circle where female entrepreneurs can pitch, scale and learn about their businesses.

Circular Summit is non-stop workshops, panels and speakers. The quality of people there to help you on your entrepreneurial journey is incredible. The panelists were from every facet of business including one comprised of local women. There were politicians on hand to listen to obstacles that your company faced. Alice also invited venture capitalists and angel investors to connect with female entrepreneurs. And with a cap of 300 attendees, there was plenty of opportunities to network and ask questions.

But don’t take my word for it. Read about what I learned at Circular Summit and find out why you should take advantage of this opportunity when it comes to a location near you!

Talking Money At Circular Summit

Arlen Hamilton strives to provide venture capital to underserved women.

Did you know that only 2% of venture capital goes to women and .02% goes to women of color?

Her best advice was to “be hungry, not thirsty” when pitching ideas to investors. Similarly, Kathryn Finney hammered home the thought that “closed mouths don’t get fed, so open your mouth.”

Only 2% of venture capital goes to women.

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To this end, Takia Ross said that she creates an alter-ego when she enters a room for a pitch. It helps give her confidence so that she “isn’t going to ask you for the money, you’re going to give it to me” because she is a boss.

Women, in general, have a tendency to LET things happen rather than MAKING them happen.

What I Learned At Alice's Circular Summit

Entrepreneurship Is Messy, Don’t Go It Alone

Melissa Bradley spoke passionately about knowing what is a pivot and what is a distraction. A pivot moves your purpose forward or helps you to find your passion while a distraction takes you away from it. And when you aren’t sure what is what, you need a sponsor to help you.

Laurie Fabiano, the president of the Tory Burch Foundation feels strongly that there is a difference between a sponsor and a mentor. A mentor is there to answer your questions; a sponsor helps you succeed.

“Entrepreneurship is messy,” said Jonathan Ortmans, “You shouldn’t have to go it alone.”

There are people and resources available to you no matter where you live. Don’t forget that Alice is an AI platform that offers this service. Their job is to connect entrepreneurs to resources in an online setting.

Value Connection Over Transaction

Jen Gotch, the brains behind ban.do, wanted women to understand that you should “value connection over transaction.” And when focusing on your social media, you should do it organically; focus on people who agree with your product, don’t force connections.

That message was reiterated by Shay Johnson by emphasizing the need for entrepreneurs to tell their creation story. It connects you to your audience and makes your customer care about you and your product.

Startup Therapy When You Are Ready To Grow Your Business

One of the most beneficial segments of this conference was the “startup therapy” sessions. This was a time to get one-on-one with a sponsor who could offer advice on your business and help you in any way they can. Bunker Labs, the non-profit organization that helps military spouses grow their businesses, were on-hand as well as a few military spouses who have already paved they way in their field. This opportunity is worth the cost of admission!

How is this summit different from other conferences, you ask? I’ve gotten great advice and I’ve seen networking elsewhere, so why Circular Summit? They have all the bells and whistles you expect for the price of admission.

What really sets them apart is the intimacy.

What sets Circular Summit apart from other conferences is the intimacy.

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What I Learned At Alice's Circular SummitOne of the intimate practices is called the Giving Tree. You remember Shel Silverstein’s poem? This concept is based on that. You take a “leaf” and write what you would like. You add your business card to that leaf and wait. Then you look on the “tree” and find someone you can help; something you can GIVE.

But the most significant point is that the Circular Summit isn’t about passing around business cards and waiting to hear from people. As noted earlier, there are investors readily available to hear your elevator pitch. Plus you can participate in “therapy” sessions to receive advice. All of these points are key to success in business. It’s like a giant spouse’s group for work; you don’t just network, you build connections and friendships.

And for Alice, it’s all in a (two) day’s work.

Alice, the intelligent business advisor and digital ecosystem, provides universal access to business solutions through innovative technology. With curated resources, events and more, Alice is your new business BFF.

If you haven’t already, come pull up a chair and register for free. Click here to register today. 

What You Need To Know About Military Base Housing

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So you decided you want to live in military base housing, huh?

Now that you’ve made the choice to live on base, you need to follow the procedures to make this rental home a reality. Use the information below to make this transition as smooth as possible.

What You Need To Know About Military Base Housing

Source: Langley Family Housing

The Smart Military Spouse’s Guide to Military Base Housing

You searched for “housing” and your new duty station and found some answers online. You realized that most locations have privatized housing. This translates into on-post neighborhoods with newer houses and this management company – not the military – is responsible for the daily upkeep of the homes. Some of the companies even have photos and walk-through tours on their websites.

Be ready to fill out a form (or two). This is something the service member will be able to do once you have PCS orders. Within 30 days of arrival, a DD Form 1746 should be completed. This is the application for an assignment for housing. On some privatized housing websites, you can complete this form online. Military spouses will need a power of attorney if the service member is deployed.

You need a copy of your orders to your new location that shows your detachment dates. Your service member’s LES (Leave and Earnings Statement) will tell the housing office what type of house you qualify for. You also need certification of your dependents (if you have them).

Each service has a different form to complete this requirement but a DEERS enrollment card or RED (Record of Emergency Data) will also suffice. The last official document needed is the form disclosing sexual offender status. Again, check with your service branch for specific forms.

What You Need To Know About Military Base Housing

Now you are put on a waitlist. This list is dependent on pay grade. The size and location of your house also depends on how many dependents you have. Unfortunately, this step can last a few days or a few years depending on your military installation. Don’t get discouraged. We all know that the military works in mysterious ways.

There are other aspects to the wait list that you must understand. Your eligibility date is based on your orders. A newly married service member’s date is determined by your legal wedding day.

New to the military and to married life? Your date is what you find on your Military Entrance Processing Date.

Again, you may not know many of these forms but that’s where your spouse or his chain of command can help.

Time has passed and you finally get the call that a house is available for you! You jump for joy and then set out to see the house. The representative from the housing office meets you there and they walk you around and answer any questions you have.

You step into the entrance and you see that there is no furniture. All of the houses are unfurnished. Then you walk into the kitchen and see a full array of appliances. These all stay. What a relief! Now you don’t have the added expense of that! Washers and dryers may or may not come with the house, as this is dependent on the management company. As you move to the back of the house, you notice that some of the surrounding homes have fences and some do not. This is not unusual either. Without a fence, the included lawn service takes care of your whole yard.

What other amenities are included? Utilities in unmetered houses. Otherwise, you will retain part of your BAH (Basic Allowance for Housing) to pay that expense. This is true for the garbage collection as well. And, the housing representative tells you your rent is based on the rank of your service member. This is all so eye-opening. You complete your inspection and the person from the housing office asks if you’d like to take the house.

You have a choice in military base housing? Yes, you do.

If you pass on the first house, you still maintain your position on the wait list. You would then have to take the second house that they showed you or you would go to the bottom of the list.

But wait! Before you make that decision, you need to know about their pet policy. The representative tells you that you can have 2 or 3 pets depending on the management company overseeing your location. You look at your spouse with a twinkle in your eye; you can get another pet and still be in code! There are some breed restrictions as well as exotic pet bans but you can check with your representative at the housing office for that.

You decide to accept the house. Enjoy the community and the ease of living on base. It is an experience like no other and you will make memories that will last long after you leave the service. Maybe you’ll encourage others to do the same. After all, you have all of this information at your fingertips.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety

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I have a secret.

It’s not Lifetime Movie of the Week caliber. It’s not even a “break apart your marriage and family” type of skeleton in the closet.

But it is my secret.

It’s more like the thing you reveal at cocktail parties when someone poses the question: “What is a fact no one knows about you?”

I’m an introvert.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

I’m not a traditional introvert; I don’t need alone time. In fact, I tend to get antsy if I stay home all day by myself.

I don’t need down time to recharge my batteries either.

What I really don’t like is social functions and socializing; I have a form of social anxiety. You know, “the fear of interaction with other people that brings on self-consciousness, feelings of being negatively judged and evaluated, and, as a result, leads to avoidance.”

Are you surprised?  I appear to be a woman who loves to party and socialize. But I don’t. At least not until I’m comfortable in a situation. I think there are more of us out there than people know.

According to one study from Dr. Bella DePaulo mentioned in the book “How to Work a Room a Guide to Successfully Managing the Mingling,” 75% of people have social anxiety when they are at a party with strangers. That means that 3 out of 4 of us don’t like the most common situations in the military-forced fun.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

Growing up I was the biggest extrovert you would know. I was a talker and I danced everywhere it was possible; in the dance studio as well as in the halls at school. I didn’t sit still. Strike that. I COULDN’T sit still. I had a desire to be moving and to be the center of everyone’s world.

When I had children all that changed. I didn’t want to be the center of attention or the life of the party. I wanted to stay home and be with my family. I also found that I preferred to listen rather than speak. Those two qualities combined to change my temperament and my desire to socialize.

This turned out to be bad timing. As I began to feel more and more at ease with my cocoon, my kids got older and I was running out of alibis to not go to social functions with my service member. I excused myself from First Fridays. I even canceled my invite to spouse functions.

When my husband was selected to command a squadron, I bowed out from Airman Leadership School graduations and I passed on chief induction ceremonies. I used the kids as an excuse. They always needed me for something – whether it was a school activity, band competition or sport. One parent had to be there, right? That was why I was a stay at home parent who worked part-time. I believed that my children should have one constant in their lives. The military couldn’t offer us that stability so I provided it.

A few years later, my spouse was given a group. A group! What a great day and affirmation of his abilities! But what a sad day for me. We aren’t required to do anything but the pressure is still there. I didn’t succumb to peer pressure instead I decided to take part in this facet of his life.

My first event as a second-time C.O.W. (Commanding Officer’s Wife) was a Patch On event. This is when the students who have gone through training are assigned to their new operations squadrons. My first touch of anxiety came when they said I had a seat in the front of the auditorium and would be introduced. What?? This was not what I expected.

Confession: I Have Social Anxiety and I'm an Air Force Wife

I got through that day with the help of the other squadron commanders who made me feel at home. That experience gave me the confidence to continue. It also helped that now I knew a few people.

A squadron picnic came next. Talk about anxiety inducing. I was hoping that my spouse would be there with me so that I could tag along with him.

He’s my security blanket, after all. But of course, he ran late and so I went solo.

I found one person I knew and talked with them but that can only last so long. I found my way to the buffet line and stayed quiet. Slowly people came up to me and started conversations. It’s still not easy when you have little to say. After I ate, I left defeated and tired.

3 out of 4 of military spouses don’t like military-forced fun.

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Each new activity started the same way: find someone to latch onto and hope more people you know arrive so you can talk to them and not feel foolish.

I hated meeting new people. As soon as the introduction was over, I would forget their names and faces. It was embarrassing when I would say, “Nice to meet you” to someone I’d already been introduced to. My social anxiety didn’t lessen.

Eventually these functions that I forced myself to attend got easier. The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them. I became my outgoing self.

I learned to say, “How are you?” instead of “Nice to meet you.” And then I played off the fact that I meet so many people, it takes a few times before I remember. Everyone understood and I think they appreciated my candor. I can say that after two years “in the job,” I felt more at ease but not completely comfortable.

The more often I saw people, the easier it was to relax around them

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New anxiety begins at every new base but I need to look back on my time at the group level and remind myself that I can do it! Practice is supposed to make perfect but I’m striving for contentment; contentment with my mental well-being and myself.

My Holiday Wish For All Military Spouses

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I have one wish for all military spouses this holiday season. I hope you experience the double rainbow unicorn, the one trifecta of military life that I’ve finally achieved: the perfect job, great friends and an ideal location.

Even if you haven’t gotten there yet, enjoy the ride that you’re on.

I found that reflecting on what you have achieved helps make military life easier.

Reflecting on what you have achieved makes military life easier.

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A Job You Love

Our first assignment was in Nebraska. For a New England girl, this sounded like a death sentence. Upon arrival, I was able to secure a job coaching cheerleading and that led to a job teaching – my ultimate goal. This first job out of college was ideal as it combined two of my favorite things.

I disliked the fact that my spouse had shift work, but I found joy in my work.

I have one wish for all military spouses this holiday season. I hope you experience the double rainbow unicorn, the one trifecta of military life that I’ve finally achieved: the perfect job (for yourself or your spouse), great friends and an ideal location.

When we moved to Alabama, I found full-time work as an ESL teacher at a local university. The majority of my students were from Korea who constantly regaled me with stories of life in their home country. I taught them from our curriculum, but I also had the opportunity to calm them during a tornado. We had lived in Tornado Alley for quite a few years, so my experiences helped them endure this new phenomenon.

Military Friends Who Are Like Family

Oklahoma initially felt miserable; the heat, the blow dryer wind, the flatlands. But then I met some wonderful people. We would have get-togethers almost every weekend. Even though they worked and I was a new mom who stayed at home, we found time to share our lives outside of the military confines. I finally understood how military friends could become family.

I have one wish for all military spouses this holiday season. I hope you experience the double rainbow unicorn, the one trifecta of military life that I’ve finally achieved: the perfect job (for yourself or your spouse), great friends and an ideal location.

In Georgia, I met a wonderful civilian woman. We met at my daughter’s gymnastics class. Our girls were the same age and our sons bonded while waiting for classes to finish. We too, found that we clicked right away. They lived 30 minutes away from us but having a “required” meeting date every week helped us get closer. The best indicator that we had a great bond was the fact that they came out to Vegas to visit us. That is friendship.

Living At My Dream Location

The metropolitan D.C. area was one of my dream locations. I foolheartedly thought every other aspect would magically appear.

It didn’t.

So, I simply explored the town and all it had to offer. I rode the metro to the Mall and visited the museums. The kids and I attended concerts all over town.

The city was perfect in that respect. I took the time to relish my town and the surrounding areas.

Dream Location + Rewarding Job

Once I landed in Belgium, I knew that I belonged there. I wanted to live overseas since I was a small child. A week or so after I settled in, I walked over to the language school and applied for a job. I began a few weeks later.

The schedule for my school and my daughter’s school lined up so I didn’t need to take time off to travel. We went sightseeing every month and explored our new country and its surrounding towns.

I soaked up every ounce of culture I could. The curriculum was left up to me so I let the students drive the content. Those factors combined to make this one of my top stops.

Welcoming Community + Warm Climate

Nevada was another ideal location for me: We would live in a desert and I hated the cold. Again, I found friends through my kids.

And even though I thoroughly resisted being involved with the small squadron we were assigned to, I found myself enjoying the company of the spouses I met.

My “call sign” was Casper as in “Casper the Friendly Ghost” since they thought I was a great person but I was never around. I worked while I was out there too but my job was my job and nothing that I derived great pleasure from. Again, it’s easy to find joy when multiple parts align.

I have one wish for all military spouses this holiday season. I hope you experience the double rainbow unicorn, the one trifecta of military life that I’ve finally achieved: the perfect job (for yourself or your spouse), great friends and an ideal location.

My Holiday Wish For All Military Spouses

When You Find Yourself At Your Favorite Location Surrounded By Great People And Fulfilling Your Purpose

On our last assignment to Oklahoma, I found that I had come to love the location where my children were born and we’d spend most of our career. It helped that the city had prospered in the last few years too.

We had to live on base. This would be the first time that had happened in our 20+ years. I was initially not happy but that emotion changed when I met our neighbors.

My “job” was as a commander’s spouse. While this wasn’t a paid position, I eventually embraced my decision to be involved in all aspects of military life. I loved participating in ceremonies and parties. I volunteered at the thrift shop and met more wonderful people.

Those 2 years were perfection.

I have one wish for all military spouses this holiday season. I hope you experience the double rainbow unicorn, the one trifecta of military life that I’ve finally achieved: the perfect job (for yourself or your spouse), great friends and an ideal location.

I’ve never been at a place where I hated my location but had a great job and friends. The journey isn’t over so maybe I’ll find this combination eventually.

My holiday wish for all milspouses? May you have a perfect job & great friends at your favorite…

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So again, I wish for all military spouses to take joy in what they have and I hope that you too can realize the dream of having it all. If you’ve accomplished this goal, tell us about it.

Say Yes To Living Outside Your Comfort Zone

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Mark Twain once said “I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.” He was trying to tell us that there is more to life than what can be gleaned from the classroom.

Life is about experiences!

I believe that this is just as true today and more so as a military spouse who is getting ready to PCS overseas.

When my spouse was assigned to Korea, the kids and I had to remain stateside. We missed him terribly but anticipated the day we could visit. That moment came in December. We planned a 3-week tour so we could fully experience the culture.

Both children, picky eaters at the time, delighted in finding Burger King in Seoul. We had the tastiest chicken nuggets ever.

After that, the kids were willing to try a traditional restaurant. They loved sitting on the floor! And after trying traditional foods, they wanted more kimchi when it was offered.

My husband wanted to take us to an antique shop out in the country. For the first time in a while, the kids didn’t balk at driving somewhere. When we arrived, we found the proprietor who offered to show us around. This retired history teacher sat at small propane heater and talked to the children while I perused the furniture.

I found a 19th century Tibetan Buddhist altar that I fell in love with. The owner told the story of its provenance to us which made it all the more special.

It has become a multipurpose piece of furniture. I have used it in the bedroom for clothes storage and I’ve used it in the dining room to keep our fine china or as a bar.

Say Yes To Living Outside Your Comfort Zone

Even though we didn’t live in Korea, those 3 weeks gave us a taste of life in a place we may never have seen on our own.

Military life is about new experiences and stepping outside your comfort zone.

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More than 10 years later, we once again had the honor of being assigned overseas. This time we landed on the European continent in Belgium.

My spouse and I hail from New England so I walk fast, I talk fast, and I’m always on full throttle. After my spouse picked us up at the airport, he drove us to the Gran Place in downtown Mons.

Immediately, I had to decelerate my whole being because the only fast lane is on the highway. The waiter came over, took our order and then left us alone. No one pestered us to leave but then again, no one was refilling my water glass either. The message is clear:

“Slow down and take time to smell the roses.”

Eventually my temperament changed and I learned to enjoy the things around me.

Say Yes To Living Outside Your Comfort Zone

We made the decision to not live on base. If we were living in Europe, then we were LIVING in Europe.

We lived in the French speaking part of Belgium where agriculture is the main way of life. I am a city girl and I envisioned myself miserable for our 3 years. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

There were cows in the field behind us, a goat next door and an orchard at the end of the road. All of that just added to the beauty of our location and I came to savor the tranquility.

An egg man came by our house once a week to deliver eggs. If you’ve never tried an unrefrigerated fresh egg, you don’t know what you are missing. The color is amazing and the taste is as equally awesome.

We decided to not live on base. If we were living in Europe, then we were LIVING in Europe.

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Say Yes To Living Outside Your Comfort Zone

The longer we remained in Europe, the more I collected lessons and learned new things.

I’d always been a history buff but visiting cities around the continent made those book lessons a reality. As you meander through Rome, you can’t help but find history alive at every turn. Reading about peasants worshiping in medieval churches is nothing in comparison to wandering around those same churches. You start to truly understand the mindset of the people from that time.

My daughter and I planned a girls trip to Budapest one weekend. After we settled into the hotel, we were hungry so we asked the concierge where to go. He directed us to a restaurant on the Pest side of the city.

When we arrived, we noticed a plethora of Mercedes and men dressed like secret service or the Mafia. We took a chance and sat down.

My daughter ordered an appetizer, rabbit stew and dessert as well as a few sodas. I also chose an appetizer, had the Hungarian goulash, dessert and a few glasses of wine. Everything was delicious.

When the bill came, the host asked if we’d like it in Euros instead. Of course, that’s the currency we were familiar with. Imagine our surprise when the whole thing came to €20! We had a fabulous meal with entertainment and we experienced a little of life in a former communist country.

All of these examples just go to show you that life is better when you take some chances and step outside your comfort zone.

By embracing your new location and trying new things, you will learn more about yourself as well as your host country. Don’t immediately revert back to your usual. When you don’t, you collect stories and experiences that will enrich your life tenfold.

Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

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Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

“I want another dog,” I told my husband. My dog had died and I was feeling the desire to have another companion.

I got Coquina after I graduated high school and she died just before her 16th birthday. When my husband left a month before me to start training in Florida, Cokey and I drove from Nebraska to Tyndall AFB. I sang to her and talked to her to keep me occupied during the long drive. I was especially grateful to have her to talk to during a flash thunderstorm in Florida.

But still I was late to get her to the airport so she could stay with my mom during the few months we’d be there. As newlyweds we couldn’t afford to book another flight so I drove like a madwoman on the slippery roads to meet the deadline. Stress would have to wait.

She was there to greet our oldest when we brought him home from the hospital. And when our daughter arrived, she knew the drill. She moved with us each time and took the trek like a champ, even though she hated car rides.

Even at the end of her life, she still barked at my husband when he kissed me.

She was MY dog but she had been a part of my children’s lives for 10 years.

Now I wanted another pet. In the interim, my kids had worked to earn themselves gerbils. They too wanted a pet but initially I wasn’t ready for another dog. My son really wanted a snake but since I would be the one home with it and I’m petrified of snakes, I put the kibosh on THAT idea.

When we moved again, there were no pets allowed in the rental house. Just like a child, when you can’t have something, that’s when you really want it. After a few months in the house, I wanted another dog. And as much as I wanted a dog for me, I wanted a dog for our family.

As much as I wanted a dog for me, I wanted a dog for our family.

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Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

Having a pet is a constant in a military child’s life. No matter where we moved to, the kids would have their mom and their pet. It doesn’t matter if it’s a dog, a cat, a hamster or a lizard. What matters is that the child has something to either call his own or has a stake in. Years ago, that’s what I thought.

And it turns out I was right.

A study in 2009 showed that children with pets were less worried about a move than those without. A pet provides children with “comfort, support, and stability.”

I like to think that it really has to do with giving them an immediate friend wherever they are. That friend doesn’t talk back and understands what they are going through. It also gives them a job to do during the chaos we call “unpacking.”

There have also been studies that show that pets help military children with stress and give them a coping mechanism too.

We know that petting a dog or horse has a calming effect on people but there are benefits to owning any animal. Not only is their pet a constant in their lives, but that animal also listens to them as they work out problems in their lives.

Our pets are part of our military family and they provide comfort to our military kids.

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Having an animal gives the child a topic of conversation when meeting new classmates. That to me is another positive to animal ownership.

We bought a dog even before we knew about these studies. We actually got two; one per child. We adopted them in the summer after we moved so the kids had time to walk them every day. They explored their new neighborhood and met the people who lived there.

It also gave them a chance to bond with each other. They were 10 and 12 at this point so they weren’t spending time together like they used to. Now they had a common gripe – chores associated with an animal.

Why I Said Yes To A Family Pet

For the record, there are reasons to not get a family pet. For some, the cost is an issue. Dogs and cats are notorious for their vet bills. On-base vet clinics alleviate some of that cost but it still has an impact on your pocketbook.

For others, there are allergies to contend with. We know there are ways around that roadblock but that depends on how badly you want that animal. Just remember that dogs aren’t the only animals out there.

We found that having a dog was perfect for our military family.

The benefits far outweighed the negatives. Even though we moaned and groaned each time we had to stop during our cross-country move because the dog was going to be sick or the kids hated sharing a back seat with said dog, we were happy once we reached our destination.

And even when I complained that the flea and tick medicine was insanely expensive, I wouldn’t have done anything differently.

Our pets are part of our military family and that’s all that matters.

My Service Member Will Tell You I’m The Reason He Stayed In The Air Force

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I told him no.

But to hear my husband retell the story he will say that I didn’t say “no” with a period. He’d reply that I said “no” with a capital N, a capital O and an exclamation point at the end.

He’s partially correct. I did succinctly answer that I didn’t want him to get out of the Air Force after our first assignment. But I only did that the first time he asked.

My Service Member Will Tell You I’m The Reason He Stayed In The Air Force

Each consecutive assignment found him asking once again:

“Should I stay or should I go?”

I had variations on my answer:

“Nope.”

“Not yet.”

“I’m still having fun.”

Because of my comments, my spouse will tell you that I’m the reason he stayed in the service for so long. But don’t let him fool you; he has been just as happy as I have.

Besides, I haven’t always told him no when it came to his career choices.

I blindly followed him when he saw an opportunity to move from Command Post to be a 13 Bravo. And let’s face it, I would have been justified if I said no. The move from command post to becoming a Command and Control officer was quick.

I was visiting my family in Connecticut when my spouse called to say he had an “opportunity.” He was able to go to training for the AWACS (Airborne Warning and Control System) right away, but he had to give them an answer NOW.

Hearing the whole story later, I realized that he was the one who initiated the call to change careers and had boldly told the personnel officer that his “wife would be OK with it or she could stay in Nebraska.”

Granted, that was bravado but…

He moved and I followed him a month later.

My Service Member Will Tell You I’m The Reason He Stayed In The Air Force

When he wanted to go to Weapons School, I told him to pursue his dreams. But I gave him a caveat: he had to wait until our daughter was 1½. He’d been deployed and TDY for most of both children’s childhood and I didn’t think I could handle one more separation that wasn’t ordered by the Air Force.

I continued to say “yes” but now with over 20 years in uniform we are at a crossroads. My service member is thinking about retirement.

Should we stay or should we go?

He continually asks me what I want to do but I don’t think I can respond. To me, it is his question to answer.

If we stay, what assignment are we willing to take? The correct answer should be that we will take any assignment. But let’s face it, there are probably some that would make us 7-day opt. Just hearing “7-day opt” instills fear.

We all know that we are supposed to be planning for retirement long before we get to the 20-year point but you always question if it is enough. Not only that, but the thought of being without a job is scary.

If we stay, can we try to get a job that we want?

More than likely, the answer is no. But a girl can dream, can’t she? I would love to take an assignment overseas again. Who wouldn’t? For me, the next best option would be to remain in the D.C. area.

My spouse isn’t sure what he would like to be. He would like to serve in a capacity where he can utilize what he has learned. But he also needs to figure out what comes after he retires. So you see, the next stages of our lives are intertwined. We’d hope that the next assignment could set us up for retirement.

If he wants to teach, he can apply to do so at the National Defense University here in D.C. Or does he want to work in industry after he retires? Then he can try for a job down at Langley AFB. Maybe he would like to continue to serve his government in a civilian capacity. If that’s the case, he should try to stay here and continue to work at the Pentagon. Too many options for me!

And if he wants to go?

He continually asks me where I’d like to live. He comments that this would help him decide what to do. I’ve given him 3 locations, but my response is that the job will dictate where we reside. He looks at it the other way: decide on a location and then look for a job.

We go around in circles over this. Neither of us is ready to quit on military life but who knows what the service has planned for us.

I would love the chance to be involved with my community once again and the Pentagon doesn’t offer that opportunity. My husband loves interacting with the troops. But again, at what capacity and is it even possible?

All I know is that I don’t think I’m ready to leave. Am I ready to stay? I don’t know that either. An answer needs to be given soon.

Come December we have to say if we are all in or not. Ask me again then. Maybe I’ll have an answer for you.

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